My heart goes out to Japan

Over the last few days, an immeasurable amount of people have been affected by Japan's earthquake, tsunami and the deaths that have resulted. Today my heart goes out to the young widows and widowers who will be coping with this terrible tragedy.

UK Followers, can anyone help?

I received this note and couldn't help. Can any of you?

I am male and not young (59) so you may consider this as a fraudulent message. However I lost my partner who was 53 five months ago to a brain hemorrhage and have decided it may well be a good idea to chat with people who have suffered the same or similar type of loss. Could you recommend any web sites or chat rooms in the UK which may be suitable.

The Crazy Red Haired Lady

There are some days I just don't feel like I can be of help to other young widows and widowers anymore. I'm not in that same raw emotion from the first few years. Of course, if I think about Jeff long enough (okay, really only a few minutes) or I'm so overtired that the emotions just pour out of me, I'm back to square one even after all this time. Then there are other days I wonder how I've gotten here...ten years later...without losing it completely. There are days that I hate the situation I'm in and days I'm glad I'm so far along.

So to balance how I feel, I try to give you the resources of others who have also started to help other widows and widowers because they know that you might be young, but you're not alone. I'm still here...I'm still going...I'm still trying to help, but I'm not the only one. Check out this site too because you may relate to stuff that she's saying as well:

http://crazyredhairedlady.blogspot.com/

How do I get through it?

Been receiving a lot of letters lately and am trying to get through them, but someone asked me, 'how do i get through it?' She lost her husband 3 weeks ago and has two young children, 2 years old and 5 months old. Here is my response to her:

I'm so sorry for your loss. and yes, it is three 'short' weeks ago. How do you do all of this...one day at a time. It's cliche but it's true. You get up for your kids and show them that life goes on. You show them that you hurt and that you get better, you show them that you fall apart and cry and then you know how to pull yourself together and do what needs to be done.

You show them how to make daddy proud.
You show them that no matter what's happened in your life you never use it as an excuse to do something bad or give up.
You show them how to survive adversity.
You show them emotions and you show them how to grieve and then you show them how to laugh and through them you get through it.
If you see a couple, you might be jealous/angry/grieving and it's normal. How do you go to the store by yourself? You take a big deep breath and go in or, if you have home delivery, you take advantage of that and go in another day.
How do you celebrate your daughter's first Christmas? It's very tough, but you give her something special. i'm sorry to say that 'she' won't remember this, but you will. Give her something special -- a framed photo of her dad or something
You ask for help and say thanks and then, when you need to, you lock the door and spend time with your children alone and you giggle and laugh because they're babies and that's what they do.
How do you get through this? With your husband's love and guidance from above, it's there.
And you know you can do it, but it's one step at a time and you do it for them and you be the best mommy you can be. And you'll do great. And it will hurt and suck and you'll hurt later on special occasions and then on other special occasions you'll be okay.
You get through this...one day at a time...with or without friends, with or without family...because you have to.

A widower's story

Dear Lisa,

"I just lost my wife in August at the age of 48. I think that it has just started hitting me the last couple of days that she is gone and not coming back. Today is a very hard day for me, and I feel like someone is standing on my chest, and I also feel very anxious. It comes and goes in waves, and it is awful.

She suffered a major heart attack in our home. She had been complaining of a sore back for the last six weeks or so, and finally went to the doctor a week prior to her heart attack because of the pain.

There was massive damage and she would have been left in a vegetative state. We all knew that she would have hated that, she always made that very clear, and decided we should take her off of life support.

I found one internet site and have a grief counselor Sand she gave me some information and provided me with a book on grief "I Can't Stop Crying" by John D. Martin and Frank D. Ferris MD. It helped a little when I first read it, maybe I need to read it again.

I really miss her, and I do not how to deal with this. I am not sleeping or eating properly, and I have a hard time trying to force myself to eat at this point. I know that I have to take better care of myself, but I am finding it so difficult right now. I am just so damn sad. How do people get through this?"

Well, we get through it the way you're getting through it right now, we find a counselor, read materials, get online, reach out, not eat, cry too much, eat a little, cry some more, see another counselor, and repeat the process until one day we start feeling just a little better and realize we didn't cry quite as much that day. Keep doing what you're doing. It's early in the process and you're getting there. Don't give up.

A month of books

I was cleaning out my family room today and I have lots of books on grief and single parenting that I received and bought after I started this blog. I wanted to take a few weeks to pass on a few that I think are really worthwhile for you to read. I have not looked into whether or not they are still available for sale. If they aren't on Amazon or other book sites, check your local libraries or ebay if you're interested in buying them.

Today, I picked two that could help kids:

Both books are fantastic and really helped me to work through the grief with my children, who were 6, 4 and 2 at the time. "When Someone Very Special Dies" is perfect for all ages, but especially good for those children who are younger and may not be able to articulate their feelings. There are spaces for them to draw. "Helping Children Cope with the Loss of a Loved One," breaks down what to say to a child during their grief depending on how old they are.

A Cruise?

I'm "considering" putting together a cruise for widows/widowers either late this year or early next year and I'd love to know if there's interest out there. Please email me at lisawriter@msn.com and let me know if you would be interested. Thanks!

American Idol

I've been insanely busy with a book deadline, but I don't miss an episode of American Idol. So, what does this have to do with being a widow/widower? Well, it seems that this season is barely underway and the Internet is abuzz. It's partly about some of the contestants and their talent, such as Adam Lambert, who has such amazing range and stage presence (and eyes, LOL) that he's going to be hard to beat.

But another contestant is getting Internet buzz for two reasons. His name is Danny Gokey. Now if you know American Idol, you know the first few weeks are bad and good auditions and sob stories. They pull you in, get you to sympathize with the homeless teen or the man who is looking after his mother who has cancer. These stories really don't bother me; some people think they should just stick to the competition (honestly, if you're really bothered by hearing these stories, you're taking this show waaaay to seriously). Since I write about celebrity-do-gooders, it's nice to see the human side of people who, for at least some of them, are going to be the next big thing. I hope they use those personal stories to do something good after they've made it big (think Elliott Yamin and his diabetes story -- he now works with on behalf of diabetes charities).

Now Danny Gokey's story, which has been highlighted by AI repeatedly: Danny, who looks like Robert Downey Jr (I am NOT complaining because I happen to think that RDJ is one of the sexiest men in movies ever) is a young widower. He is 28 years old and lost his wife only four weeks before his audition. His friend convinced him to get out of the house and go to the audition -- Gokey made it through and made the top 24 last week. The buzz? People on the Internet are 'sick' of hearing about his wife. They claim he is using it to gain votes. A shot to his friend in the audience shows a picture of his wife and he is interviewed and asked about it all the time. The Internet audience -- bloggers, fans, etc. -- want him to stop and 'move on.'

In an interview, Danny said, 'this is a sob story i don't want,' and says he says that it's only been seven months and it's part of who he is. He didn't want to get out of bed until this. We can all identify with him. He had the courage and the strength to go to an audition and achieve something big, only to not have his wife on his side to celebrate with when he was told he was through. And since then, the man has been going with American Idol -- success and fame is staring him in the face and he just buried his wife a few months ago. He's dealing with a huge rollercoaster of emotions and the Internet is giving him such a hard time.

Now, everybody fell in love with Elliott Yamin's mom (and by the way, I've interviewed Elliott and he's such a sweetheart), but there was no major Internet buzz about how they keep going to her and using his story about being deaf in one ear to get votes. Yet Danny is hearing this to the point where he already had to be interviewed about it and has this weighing over his head in addition to trying to audition week after week. He has agreed he wants people to vote for him for his talent -- and he's VERY talented -- and not his story. But I totally agree with him that this is who he is right now. He's had to adjust to a new life, cope with new feelings of grief and pain, audition for something he's never done before, be interviewed by reporters about the whole thing and find out that people on the Internet are writing nasty things about him. Lots to cope with and I think he's doing it with class.

Remember how we were seven months or even four weeks after our spouse died? If it wasnt for my kids, I also wouldn't have gotten out of bed. Danny has a great friend who encouraged him to try something. Some have said, "what was he doing at an audition only four weeks later?" My, how people are still judging widows and widowers. We're damned if we do and damned if we don't. If he couldn't sing well, we wouldn't have heard a thing about him or his story or it would've ended after a bad audition. But he's being judged by people who have no idea what it's like to bury a spouse at any age, nevermind at his young age when he thought they had a whole life together.

My point is this -- I hope, for Danny's sake, that people vote for him on talent alone and that American Idol gives him a little privacy on the subject and not constantly bring it up. If he wants to mention it, he has that right, but he's already said it's a sob story he doesn't want. Would anyone? So he's doing the best he can. Let him work through it. Do I think that he's the best person in the competition. He's one of my top faves right now, along with Adam Lambert and Alison (sorry I can't remember her last name...the redheaded one). I would like to see him go far in the competition purely on his talent. And I wish people would stop being so harsh on him. I thought we've come farther than this. I guess I was wrong.

lisa

Mummy, it's hard for us too'

In 1998 her husband, Charlie, father of her two little girls, died suddenly of a heart disease. Kate Boydell describes what it's like to find you're a widow - aged only 33...

you can find the rest of the article here.

I'm a little concerned

Lately, I'm getting a lot of emails from from new widows and widowers who are on the verge of being suicidal. I'm concerned so I wanted to talk to everyone out there.

I understand the pain. I remember one night, having dreams (actually nightmares) of what was happening to Jeff's body after I buried him. I couldn't sleep. When I did, I woke up in sweats. I couldn't deal with the pain. I just wanted to dig a hole and climb in next to him. I would often go around telling people, "I wish it was me." "It should've been me." "Why couldn't it have been me?"

While I thought this, I don't recall getting to the point of being suicidal, but I can soooo relate to how these widows/widowers feel. The pain of living without him would be nothing like the pain of anything anyone can put me through, or I can do to myself. I KNOW.

But checking out isn't the answer. I often thought that if I had done that, Jeff would've been pissed at me. Yes, PISSED. I have more to accomplish in this life, even without him. My kids needed me. My family needs me. And even if I didn't have kids, I have found that other widows/widowers need me through this blog and the work I've done. There's a purpose for you. There's a reason. There's a need for you here and you don't see that now, but you will. It may not pop out and bop you on the nose, you may need to go find it, but it's there.

Please don't do anything rash. Cry...write it out...go for a walk...talk to a friend...go see a doctor or a mental health specialist...use antidepressants...go exercise...write on this blog...do whatever it takes to get through this. I'll admit that I was on Prozac when Jeff was diagnosed with cancer. He asked me to go on it. I had suffered from post-partum depression when the kids were young and when he was diagnosed, he asked me to go back on the medication because he saw how upset I was. He thought it would help. I stayed on it for 3 years (or so). It helped me. It might help you. There are other resources that can help you too.

Don't give up! Anybody who expresses suicidal thoughts or intentions should be taken very seriously. Do not hesitate to call your local suicide hotline immediately. Call 800-SUICIDE (800-784-2433) or 800-273-TALK (800-273-8255) -- or the deaf hotline at 800-799-4889.

What to do with the ashes?

This letter was posted in response to one of my blogs, so I'm moving it here and I'm hoping that some of you who have cremated your loved one can help. Jeff was not cremated (although after the fact, months later, I remembered a very brief comment he said about 'maybe' wanting to be cremated...I can't remember!!! See, we always go through feelings of guilt about many things.

Here is the letter:

I'm 38 yrs old. My name is Cathy. My kids are 9, almost 6 and 2 (all boys). we lost their dad on October 26th. He was in a plane crash in British Columbia. He was on his way home with his dad after completing the final stage of his architectural exams and he became a registered architect that day. I am 5.5 months out and I just spent 2 weeks with them at spring break. The weirdest moments bring up issues for them. My 9 year old is obsessed with the fact that we cremated his dad. I am having a difficult time with that because I keep repeating that this is what his dad wanted. I haven't told them that their dad's remains are in my BEDROOM! I can't imagine. I am looking for ideas about memorials and what to do with the ashes. I don't want to spread them, I don't want to really part with them.. so I don't know what to do. any help would be great.

Dear Cathy,
First, I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm glad you found my site. I hope it has helped you a bit. Of course, when it comes to our children, we need to give them information they can handle at their age. If your son is obsessed with the cremation, it might not be the best time to show him where the remains are. However, depending on how he is obsessing, it might help him to know more about it. I remember when my dad died when I was a kid, I obsessed quietly in my mind about the body -- what happened to it, what was going on under ground, etc. I'm thinking if I talked to my mom about it, she might've answered my questions and put some of my fears at ease. Again, it depends on what you feel is best for your son.

I'm not sure how to do a memorial with ashes, so I'm turning this over to our readers and hope they can add some input. My thoughts -- first, you may want to include your children in on this special event. They'll always have a memory of what they did for Daddy. Second, it does depend on the laws of where ashes are allowed to be scattered, but is there something special that your husband loved to do? A special place he loved to be? That might help you think about what to do. You can invite friends, family, coworkers to help you or it can be an intimate thing for you and the kids -- what do you feel up to doing?

I also found this link -- it might help you.

Most importantly, please know that you can take your time and figure this all out. Don't let anyone rush you into making decisions.

Thanks for writing and please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.

P.S. I am sending you the book What on earth to do when someone dies? book for posting a comment. I hope it helps.

Lisa

P.S.: Like this blog? Please vote for it for the Blogger Choice Awards -- http://www.bloggerschoiceawards.com. You do have to sign up for a free account to vote, but I would greatly appreciate it. The more exposure this site gets, the more it can help other widows/widowers. Thank you.

A boy without a dad...

A few times every year, my 13-year-old son goes through the "I hate not having a dad or a brother in this house" mood. Jeff died when he was about to turn five and his grandpa died in 2001. There is a lot of estrogen in this house with me, my teen daughter, my tween daughter and my mother all living under one roof. As much as I try to tell my son I sympathize and understand because I grew up without a sister (I have three older brothers) or a dad (he died when I was six), he'll say "but you had a mom and you're a girl."

Yup, you're right, but my mom was busy raising four kids, working, taking care of the home, etc. Even still I knew what my son meant...he wanted a man in the house, but since that wasn't possible right now I had to try and figure out a way to help my son.

Over the years, I've tried to find good male role models for him through coaches, friends and teachers. I started thinking about all of the guys that ask how he's doing or made some kind of impact in his life and I realized that he had many male figures in his life who cared about him. Then in a conversation I had with a male friend of mine (who is also one of his bowling coaches) about this subject, this man said, "Hey, I had a dad and he wasn't there for me and I had to raise my younger brother."

I realized that my son needed to understand that not having a male figurehead in the house didn't mean he didn't have people who cared about him and would be there for him if he needed it. We started talking about his uncles, his two bowling coaches who have talked with me about problems and helped him when his confidence was low. I told him about his friend's dad who treats him like his own son or my best friend's husband who told him he's family. I reminded him of his basketball coach who went above and beyond to support my son, encourage him and give him that pat on the back he needed to hear from another male.

I told him about what my male friend said about not having a good dad and my mother told him about her dad, who was a struggling alcoholic when she was young and how that affected her childhood. Then, of course, I told him about other kids who don't even have a dad or have a dad that beats them or hurts them in ways he can't even begin to imagine.

Then we talked about Jeff. About how he's always with him no matter what and that he'll have male friends and family in his life that he can turn to at all times. I told him that even though it was a short time in his life, his dad was a great guy and he has to hold on to that love that he was given in the beginning of his life and know that he can carry that around all the time as a means of support.

No, it doesn't erase the fact that Jeff's gone and not physically here to put his arm around Travis when he's had a great day and I know I'll have to repeat this whole conversation to him a few times in these precarious teenage years, but I'm hoping that it helps.

So if your own child is struggling, look for outside sources that can help you to provide some emotional support for your own child, and remember to remind your child that life may not be perfect at home, but you're still family and it's important that family stick together and support each other no matter what.

Until next time, you may be young, but you're not alone.
Lisa