My heart goes out to Japan

Over the last few days, an immeasurable amount of people have been affected by Japan's earthquake, tsunami and the deaths that have resulted. Today my heart goes out to the young widows and widowers who will be coping with this terrible tragedy.

The Crazy Red Haired Lady

There are some days I just don't feel like I can be of help to other young widows and widowers anymore. I'm not in that same raw emotion from the first few years. Of course, if I think about Jeff long enough (okay, really only a few minutes) or I'm so overtired that the emotions just pour out of me, I'm back to square one even after all this time. Then there are other days I wonder how I've gotten here...ten years later...without losing it completely. There are days that I hate the situation I'm in and days I'm glad I'm so far along.

So to balance how I feel, I try to give you the resources of others who have also started to help other widows and widowers because they know that you might be young, but you're not alone. I'm still here...I'm still going...I'm still trying to help, but I'm not the only one. Check out this site too because you may relate to stuff that she's saying as well:

http://crazyredhairedlady.blogspot.com/

Getting through the holidays...

I know I'm a little late and I'm sorry, but my mom broke a rib and it's been a little crazy. I hope everyone got through the holiday okay. If you still need some help through the upcoming New Year's Eve holiday, here's a link with some good suggestions for you:

http://www.genconnect.com/relationships/how-to-cope-with-the-holidays-when-grieving/.

Remember, you may be young, but you're not alone.

New Book Redefines Concept Of Death and Offers 21 universal lessons for the living

I was sent information on this book. If you believe in this, it might be worth checking out.

Death is not the end of life but rather a transition from one phase of existence to the next; it is -- literally -- just the beginning. When Pam Adams' husband and soul mate, Raymond, was brutally murdered, she learned firsthand how very real 'life and after death' is. She reunited with her lost love through communications from beyond the grave. Her book Letters from Raymond is a heartwarming story about love between two soul mates that transcends the physical world. In it, Adams shares her story of triumph over tragedy and also offers readers 21 empowering lessons by which to live—shared directly from those in ‘transition.’

Adams—who established Raybert Lodge in 1999, a spiritual retreat in South Africa for bereavement and healing—was able to communicate with Raymond through a psychic medium to help readers make sense of life on earth. Letters From Raymond provides comfort to those who fear death and those who mourn the loss of loved ones. The book’s 21 life lessons—gleaned from Raymond’s after-life experiences—focus on love, compassion, and acceptance as being our true salvation.

Letters From Raymond is now available for purchase at www.authorhouse.co.uk, Amazon.com, and other online booksellers.

EXCERPT (Page 15-16)

I wanted to remember that beautiful smile when he had left me just a few hours ago. Oh my God! How could they have done this to him? This beautiful man who was kindness itself, had so much to give!! He had finally found the happiness that he deserved. We were so happy and totally in love. Our life together had only just begun, how could he leave me now? We had been looking at properties to build our own home. What about all our plans? What about the promise of this beautiful life that we were to share together?

The organ played softly as family, colleagues and friends waited outside of the church. I took my place in the front pew as the pallbearers carried in his coffin
and placed it reverently in front of me. I looked at it and wanted to rip it open! How could Ray be in there? He was so full of life and so real to me still. There was no way I could survive without this man! He was my life and my soul. How would I survive without those constant hugs? Those re-assurances of his total love and devotion! The service began as we stood up to sing a hymn. I had written a letter to be read in Ray’s memory. Brian Lister who conducted the service gently opened the letter and began to read:

“There was never any need to have said goodbye as each day was filled with so much love and tenderness. I could go to sleep at night feeling so fulfilled, happy
in the knowledge that everything that needed to be done, had been done, everything that needed to be said, had been said. Our life together was so complete and the love that we shared was so deep, there were no words that could possibly describe it. I was so privileged to have had the time with Ray and so honoured to have been his wife.”

A widow from Uganda

I recently got this letter from *Ann, a 37-years-old widow from Uganda. I wanted to share it to show you that people all over the world are going through what we go through. Some are even going through worse than others. (*I changed her name and took out some personal details she gave me. Oh and this is not one of those spam letters asking me for money, btw.)

"I was so excited to see that there is a site like this one. I asked myself if I was the only person going through what I am going through.

I am a woman who lost my husband and father of my children to HIV/Aids when I was 22 years in 1995. He left me with 2 daughters plus his one daughter whom l found him with and to make matters worse, for this girl, l did not know her mother. The mother had already died and l didn’t even know her aunties, so l had to accept her in my life. But my dear it has not been easy at all. Getting the funds to take my children to school, paying for our accommodations, buying food and the whole up-keep has not been easy at all.

And to make matters worse, because my husband died of HIV, I was discriminated by my own people and the public because during those days, whoever lost a partner to HIV, it was automatic that he/she is also going to flow. So they knew that I was going to die any time, getting a partner was impossible. Last year I tried putting up an advert in our local newspapers here, searching for a gentleman of the same status so that we could start up our own new life, but one of the correspondents was a conman who seduced me to get a salary loan and he took all the money from me without me knowing that he was stealing it, so I was so disappointed to see that one could take advantage of my situation/problem to benefit himself and his family. Can you imagine! How bad people can be!

We, the Africans, are very unfortunate that everyone is on his or her own and, mind you, when you lose a partner, even the friends who used to associate with you run away. I wish we had such associations this way. It could help us a lot to regain our identities.

It’s now 15 years down the road,but I completely lost my identity, people don’t even invite me for social functions like parties. It's like they are blaming me for my husband’s death. Am really so lonely..having no one to share with my experience and challenges...am in a completely different world because they don't know what am going through.

I thank God that am currently on ARVs with the other girl that my husband left me with (because she was also born with the virus) and at least we have some hope of waiting to see what will be in tomorrow.

But please keep that spirit up because there are so many people out there who need your services. During that time when the conman had just conned me, I felt like leaving this world for a while then I come back when the storm is over, but where could that be and where could I leave my children and with who. But I thank God that He has brought me this far and I wish I had seen this site then, it would have worked a lot to heal my heart."

Like I said when I started this site, "You might be young, but you're 'not' alone."

A widower's story

Dear Lisa,

"I just lost my wife in August at the age of 48. I think that it has just started hitting me the last couple of days that she is gone and not coming back. Today is a very hard day for me, and I feel like someone is standing on my chest, and I also feel very anxious. It comes and goes in waves, and it is awful.

She suffered a major heart attack in our home. She had been complaining of a sore back for the last six weeks or so, and finally went to the doctor a week prior to her heart attack because of the pain.

There was massive damage and she would have been left in a vegetative state. We all knew that she would have hated that, she always made that very clear, and decided we should take her off of life support.

I found one internet site and have a grief counselor Sand she gave me some information and provided me with a book on grief "I Can't Stop Crying" by John D. Martin and Frank D. Ferris MD. It helped a little when I first read it, maybe I need to read it again.

I really miss her, and I do not how to deal with this. I am not sleeping or eating properly, and I have a hard time trying to force myself to eat at this point. I know that I have to take better care of myself, but I am finding it so difficult right now. I am just so damn sad. How do people get through this?"

Well, we get through it the way you're getting through it right now, we find a counselor, read materials, get online, reach out, not eat, cry too much, eat a little, cry some more, see another counselor, and repeat the process until one day we start feeling just a little better and realize we didn't cry quite as much that day. Keep doing what you're doing. It's early in the process and you're getting there. Don't give up.

A new resource

Came across this site and thought it might be helpful to some of you. She has some books, articles and other info...

http://www.lngerst.com/

The good, the bad and the ugly about grief and the Internet

This popped into my mailbox this morning. It's the blog for the Hospice Foundation and they are talking a report where Facebook and other internet sources have been shown to be good for grief. The workshop however, seems to also address the bad, and there is bad out there. It's really important to make a careful decision on where you choose to post your grief and what you say. When you're early in your grief you might not even realize the information you're giving out. I've had nothing but positive experiences on the grief sites online, but Facebook wasn't a part of my grief when Jeff first died.

We're all doing well here, although slightly blubbery with my daughter's high school graduation upon us. Jeff should be here to see this. Yes, I know he's "here" in spirit (and I tell everyone that), but there are some days more than others that you want proof he sees it and you want him physically here. I know how proud he is of her and so am I.

Not quite sure what to say....

I haven't blogged since November and many of you who follow me have wondered what happened. First off, I'm okay and thanks for caring.

Second, I'm not quite sure why I stopped blogging. I think part of me wondered if I really was helping anyone. Jeff has been gone for 10 years and I know I can still help others in my situation with advice and comfort, but I wondered if I really said all I could say. I will admit that the 10 year anniversary knocked the wind out of me. I don't date a lot and have no desire to remarry, but I'm happy with the dates I go on and what I've done with my life. Yet, I felt stuck and alone for the first time in a long time. I worked through it and realized that it was okay for me to feel that way and I took baby steps to get back on track.

I still get letters from widows/widowers and I still find people who want to friend me on Facebook (I'm going to start a page for widows/widowers soon so you can all connect with each other instead of just with me). I've tried answering so many, but it's hard to keep up and with three teenagers in the house now, I've had to prioritize my time. If you're reading this and I haven't answered you yet, it's not because I don't care. I simply get so many letters and trying to answer them all can, sadly, become a full-time job at times.

Third, my own personal life got pretty chaotic. My oldest daughter, who many of you remember as only being six years old when Jeff died, is going off to college in August -- COLLEGE! We spent most of the fall and winter filling out college and scholarship applications, dealing with SATs, and me working my butt off on a few new books I have coming out so I could pay for it all. My son plays in five (count 'em) bands in and after school and my oldest is working now, so I think I have a new part-time job as a taxi driver.

I'm doing my best to figure this all out. I almost stopped for good, but I felt that wasn't fair to me or to you. I'm also trying to figure out what I could do differently to make this blog important to everyone. Please be patient with me. In the meantime, CNN ran an article today about finding others who are grieving (not necessarily just widows/widowers) online. You might find a new site that can help you:

http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/03/26/grieving.online/index.html?hpt=Sbin

If you're interested in friending me on Facebook, please do so and most importantly let me know you're one of the widows/widowers from this blog, but I won't respond until I have that group set up and all of you can talk to each other. I'm also thinking of getting back to the dating site I once set up for widows/widowers. If you're interested in either, let me know. As for the cruise I talked about some time ago, I am still considering it. It's taken time for me to look into it and get it organized and time has been a precious commodity to me right now. Again, I'll be in touch about that. And thank you all for being so awesome on this journey.

South Florida Widows

Got this in the mail in case anyone is interested:

For those in the South Florida area: Meet with other local Widows,
Widowers, and all those who have lost their significant others who
also have young children. Gather for grief, sharing and healing, along
with our children.

Join with others going through the unique experience of the grief of
losing a spouse, plus the added responsibility of raising young
children and helping them through their grief as well.

From the founder: I lost my husband and the father of my two young children in November
08 and have found it extremely difficult in meeting others in my same
circumstance.

You can find our group: http://www.meetup.com/Widows-ers-With-Children-at-Home/

Guest blogger: Lauren Miller

Stress Relief in the midst of Grief:

By Lauren Miller

When trauma of any kind enters into our lives our bodies actually freeze…our breathing becomes shallow, our left brain stops communicating with the right brain and we experience a “deer in the head lights” response to life…we feel disconnected and unsafe. In the midst of this experience, we often encounter waves of overwhelming emotion that paralyze us in our ability to cope with every day activities. We find ourselves caught in the moment of when the traumatic experience took place. We actually take a holograph picture of the scene of trauma and it becomes frozen within us…we continually replay it over and over and over again. As time moves on, we continue to stay “stuck” in that “holographic image” so much so that if a trauma occurs in childhood when it is triggered in life by events, situations and people, it is as if it just happened. These images or “holographs” exist out of time…they are present to us even if many years have passed.

So what can we do when we find ourselves in this state of paralysis in life due to intense grief or trauma? Before answering that question, it is important to mention that the energy system that moves throughout our body actually becomes disconnected or frozen along with the negative emotions that surround grief and trauma resulting in that feeling of overwhelm and emotional paralysis. A good visual for that is when you are watching TV and all of the sudden there is a dis-connect with the cable and gray and black specks instantly replace the clear picture. It is an internal “ZZZZT” that results in feelings of being “stuck” in the grief or sadness. The good news is that what becomes disconnected can be reconnected.

How? EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique: Founder Gary Craig) is one method that often times works instantly to help reconnect us to who we are before the pain hit. It is a way to move through the pain instead of being emotionally paralyze by it. It utilizes the same meridian system (energy points in the body) as acupuncture and focuses on 9 main energy points. Our fingertips are used instead of needles. It enables the energy within our body to continue to move in spite of trauma therefore empowering us to connect to inner peace, love, acceptance and healing.

The way it works: tap with your fingertips on the points (one point at a time) while tuning into your emotional issue. The points: Set up statement: begin at the soft part of our hand…the outer part from below the pinky down to the wrist bone. Tap with the other four fingers from the other hand as you tune in and verbalize your situation. Here is an example that can be used as your set-up statement while you tap on the side of your hand: Even though I am feeling overwhelming sadness and grief over the loss of my friend right now I am willing to love and accept myself just as I am and I choose peace and calm within my body. We say this set up statement 3x while tapping on the side of our hand then we move to the other points as we say a reminder phrase this is referred to as a “round” (move to the next point each time you say the reminder phrase): Intense grief (tap with fingertips at the beginning part of the eyebrow closest to the nose); Intense grief (move to the next spot on the outside of the eye on the eye socket bone by the temple area) ; Intense grief (under the eye on the top of the cheek bone); Intense grief (under the nose); Intense grief (under the lip); Intense grief (on the collar bone to one side of the little V at the bottom of the neck); Intense grief (I always add the “liver point” because we store a lot of our grief in this area: 3 inches down from the nipple on the right side, use several fingers to tap on this area); Intense grief (use fingertips to tap under the arm around 2-3 inches under the arm pit…the bra strap line for women), Intense grief (we finish a “round” by tapping on the top of our head). Check in with yourself as you are working through your emotion: How do I feel on a scale from 0-10 (0=no emotional charge around the issue, 10=high emotional charge) many times the emotional charge will go up before it goes down. Continue to tap on it until you have reached a 0…this may take time and patience…persistence is very important when moving through any high emotional feeling within the body. Keeping the “flow” of energy going enables us to reframe the situation along with strengthening our connection to safety, self love and acceptance in the midst of it. Love and self acceptance are essential ingredients that enable us to experience a sense of safety and connection in spite of pain and suffering. I will always end on a positive “round” of tapping. Tapping on all the points as I state my desired inner feeling and intention (The Choices Method: Dr. Pat Carrington developed this addition to EFT) I choose to feel peace and calm within, I am willing to love and accept all that I am just as I am; I give my body permission to heal and restore; I choose to remember who I am in the midst of everything; I am willing to discover , connect, love and accept me just as I am; I am willing to allow myself time to heal and restore; I release all judgment and expectations from my life experience; I am willing to feel safe with all of my feelings and emotions; I am willing to believe that I can handle anything; I choose to remember a time in my life when I moved through a storm in life; I am alive, capable and connected to God. As with any 12 step program, it is essential to express “ruthless honesty” . When we align ourselves with our truth without judgment, we unleash within us the ability to move through hardship and connect to love and the experience of inner healing.

EFT is one of many techniques that I share with my clients to help them take back their ability to heal. Two other practices that are helpful when frozen by the pain: stay present to the moment…God is present, therefore we gain our greatest strength within when we remain acutely aware of each present moment…our internal pain flows from the past (grief, regrets, judgments) and the future (fears, doubts, worries, “what ifs”). Stay present, breathe deeply and focus on what you do have in the present moment (sometimes it is the gift of our heart beating, our lungs breathing, a bird singing, a flower blooming). The energy of gratitude is full of healing and restoration on all levels. The last practice I will mention today is that of giving ourselves permission to feel without any judgment. This is the portal through which we learn how to be real in life. We all carry different inner rules and regulations of what is appropriate and what is inappropriate….just be and remove all judgment or “shoulds” and “need tos” from your experience with grief. If you want to cry for days…then cry for days, weeks along with the confidence that we, as human beings, can handle anything when we return to our inner connection with love and acceptance of all that we are, just as we are, as connected to divine love. I have to add that an outlet for anger is essential (part of giving ourselves permission to be real). As a second degree black belt I realize the importance of physical release during trauma. Get a punching bag, a pool noodle and beat the bed…always returning an inner connection with love and acceptance. The tapping is an incredible tool to help accomplish this experience.

Please visit my website: www.laurenemiller.com for more ideas and information. My book Hearing His Whisper…A Journey through Cancer and Divorce speaks to my personal transformation through pain and loss. My second book: “Mantras for the Mastectomies of Life” contains many universal stress relief practices used throughout history to empower individuals in the ways of love and inner peace, along with 121 mantras that I have used throughout my journey (my second book is coming soon).

The Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation Conference

I received this in an email today. Wanted to pass it on. I won't be there, but enjoy it if you choose to go.

The Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation team is having the first EVER National Conference on Widowhood in July 2009 in San Diego, CA. They have an interesting line up of speakers who will be speaking about topics we all care about. Visit http://www.sslf.org/c_speakers.html for information on the speakers’ panel. I have been honored to be asked to be one of those speakers and I want to invite you to the conference. I would love to meet you in person.

They have partnered with the San Diego Symphony to bring us a “Musical Evening Under the Stars,” featuring the fabulous San Diego Symphony, who will be joined by a variety of musical guests. Proceeds will benefit a unique initiative in support of improving the condition of global widowhood…and your tickets to this amazing evening are included with your registration.

Professionals in need of continuing education credit can join for their Pre-Conference event scheduled for Friday, July 17th. They are welcoming Tom Golden LCSW, Dr. Michele Reiss Ph D, Pamela Gabbay MA FT, and Carla Fine, author of No Time to Say Goodbye; Surviving the Suicide of Someone You Love. Each workshop presentation will be three hours in length, and their bookstore, run by the Centering Corporation, will be available during the lunch break. Contact info@sslf.org for workshop topics and registration information.

This conference is the first of its kind that I have heard about. Whether you are a new widow/ widower, a widow/widower who has walked a bit further down the path, a widow/widower who has remarried and is living a new and full life, a support person of a widow or widower, a bereavement professional, or a member of the clergy…there is something at this conference that will touch and inspire you. Below are their links for you to explore.

www.sslf.org

I hope to see you there. If you know of someone who would benefit from the conference, please feel free to forward this email. I would enjoy hearing from you so please drop me a line and let me know where you are on your journey. It’s always wonderful to receive a picture so feel free to attach one.

Wishing you good things always,

Laurie-Ann

Laurie-Ann Weis

Website: www.laurieannweis.com

Books: The Water Dance: Finding Joy Again and Again Amid Life’s Hardest Lessons

The After Journey: Getting Through the First Year

The Book of NO

Susan Newman, Ph.D., social psychologist and author of The Book of NO: 250 Ways to Say It--and Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever (www.thebookofno.com) sent in this tip for the holidays and I think it's always a good thing to consider no matter what time of the year it is:

Strongly consider all invitations before accepting. Our tendency is to say, yes, sure, I’ll be there (or do that). Think: Do I want to be there? Will that gathering, party, dinner make me happy or uncomfortable? Is it too painful this year? You have a right to say NO and protect your emotional boundaries and conserve your physical energy for the things and people you want to be with and who make you feel good. Similarly, you can tell people when you don’t want to talk about a sensitive subject, your loss, a health issue, a child’s problem—whatever. If they persist, walk away.

Until next time,
Lisa

The Anywhere, Anytime Chill Guide

Kate Hanley is the author of The Anywhere, Anytime Chill Guide . I don't know about you, but when someone says "you just need to 'chill'" what does that mean exactly? This holiday week and season is very tough for us, but how do you relax when grief has taken over...I asked Kate to provide a part of her book that might help you breathe better and get through the week when grief or anger smacks you in the face.

Here's my story where I could've used Kate: Yesterday, I went to the cemetery only to find someone walking their dog there and the dog urinated right next to one of the stones. Well, perhaps I should've used one of Kate's breathing techniques instead of telling the woman off -- I told her my husband was buried there and what she was doing was EXTREMELY disrespectful and she had no manners. I told her to put the dog on a leash and walk him somewhere else. She walked away while I drove away but when I turned and looked, the dog was still going all over the place. What nerve! I said what I said, but boy was I angry! I'm going to go practice Kate's techniques. First a Q&A with her:

How did you come up with the idea for The Anywhere, Anytime Chill Guide?
I’ve been practicing yoga for 13 years, and I’ve come to realize that the one deep breath I take when I get a last-minute project heaped on my plate is even more important than the many deep breaths I take during yoga class. Because in that moment when my carefully planned schedule flies out the window, I need all the help I can get so that I don’t make a bad situation worse by stressing out. I love going to yoga class, but I have come to realize that the true power of cultivating a self-care practice comes in the midst of your everyday life. I also know that a lot of people are looking for a way to feel less frazzled, but they have no idea where to start. So I had the idea for a book that would help people of all ages and fitness levels remember to take that breath, regardless of their exposure to—or propensity toward—all things “woo woo.”
In addition to modified yoga poses, I also include mini practices from meditation, breath work, nutrition, Ayurveda, acupressure, and more. It’s one-stop shopping for self-care remedies. Because that was another guiding principle when I was writing the book: Offer the best solutions for each situation, and compile all this incredible information that’s been cultivated over the last 3,000 years and make it accessible to today’s incredibly busy, time-crunched person.
Some of these remedies you suggest take just 30 seconds. Can something that quick really change the way you feel?
Absolutely. That being said, I’m not going to tell you that you can completely defuse a stressful situation by doing 30 seconds of deep breathing. Nothing in the book is going to solve all your problems, I am so sorry to say. But in any situation, how you react to it plays a huge role in how much of an impact it has on your wellbeing. And if you take even one deep breath or make one mindful adjustment to your posture before you respond, you are going to react from a place of awareness instead of knee-jerk impulse. The impact may be incremental, but it’s like the law of inertia: Just as an object in motion has a tendency to remain in motion, if you take a step to improve your wellbeing, no matter how small, you have a greater tendency to move toward balance, calm, and contentment. In most cases, the most difficult piece of any of the remedies I suggest is to simply remember to do them in the first place.
What is it about remembering to take a deep breath or adjust your posture that’s so powerful?
Either of these actions reminds you that you have a body, and that you are more than just a never-ending stream of thoughts. And that’s a good thing because our bodies are where are deepest wisdom lies—whether you call it a gut instinct or a feeling in your bones. Taking a deep breath or adjusting your posture works on many levels: First, it helps your body work efficiently—you get more oxygen and you remove any barriers to the flow of breath and energy throughout the body. Second, by shifting your attention away from whatever situation is causing you stress and turning it toward your breath or your body, you give your mind a chance to get off the treadmill of negative thinking and create an opportunity for your deeper knowledge to rise to the surface and be heard. And third, it takes your intention—to react to a situation with a clear head—and puts action behind it. And without action, all your best intentions are just nice ideas.
How do you envision a reader using the book?
I like to imagine you keeping it on your bedside table, and before you go to sleep or get out of bed, you look up whatever’s going on in your life at the moment and get some ideas on how to help yourself through it. I wanted the book to be incredibly relevant to your daily life, so I organized the chapters around all the major parts of your life – at the office, out on the streets, in love and friendship, and dealing with life’s biggest challenges. I also included remedies for the most common mental and physical woes—from PMS to constipation—and cross-referenced everything so that you can go through and cook up a prescription for whatever’s ailing you. I was inspired by the idea of the 30-minute meal (thanks, Rachael Ray), and wrote my remedies in the tried-and-true recipe format, so you can see at a glance what you’ll need, how long it will take, and exactly what steps you need to take in what order.
You also run a website, MsMindbody.com. What’s the site about?
At MsMindbody.com, I write a weekly column called the Vegimental that explores one simple thing you can do to help you deal with your busy life, whether it’s a yoga pose, a breathing technique, or just food for thought. I created the word Vegimental out of three words: regimen, elemental, and Vitameatevegamin, and it reflects my belief that the best approach to wellness is to keep things simple, add in a little discipline, and always maintain a hefty dash of humor. The site is also a place for people to share their self-care tricks. If you come by the site, please sign up for the newsletter! That’s how I gauge how well I’m doing. In this day and age, when time is scarce, I figured that the number of people who say “Yes, I’d like to hear from you on a regular basis” is more valuable than the number of people who stumble across your site and may or may not ever come back. I’m at 1200 subscribers and rising. Come join those of us who are dedicated to the fine art of feeling better and better!
Excerpt:
Grief is an inevitable part of life, and about the only advice we ever receive is to “give it time”—essentially meaning, “ignore it and it will eventually fade.” It’s a natural tendency to want to avoid feelings of grief because they can be so painful. But the practice I suggest encourages those painful feelings to rise up so that they may ultimately lift completely.

This breathing exercise comes from yoga and can be done every day until you start to feel like yourself again. It’s known as Warrior’s Breath, and it invites fresh breath deep into the lungs where yoga and Chinese medicine believe grief takes up residence in the body. This belief makes sense from a practical standpoint—think about the last time you were so sad that you not only started crying, but your breath also got caught in your lungs, resulting in sobs. By filling this area with breath, you’ll flush out any air or emotions that may have become lodged deep within the body and pave the way for new, more life-sustaining air to take its place.
Don’t discount the power of this exercise because it seems too simple—after you’ve done it for a minute or so, you’ll realize that it takes all of your concentration and a considerable physical effort to keep going. Keep at it as long as you can, and if it elicits tears, don’t be surprised. Just take them as a sign that your body is processing the grief, and notice how much better you feel when the tears are through. You’re going to get through this, particularly now that you have something you can do to help the process along besides sitting around and waiting.

Remedy: Warrior’s Breath
Ingredients:
Comfortable clothing
Bare feet
Time Needed:
Five to ten minutes
Instructions:

Stand with your feet three to four feet apart, toes pointed out slightly. Bend your knees and lower your tush as if you were straddling an invisible horse. Bring your palms to touch in front of your heart. Inhale a deep breath through your nose as you reach your arms out to your sides at shoulder height, palms facing away from you. Exhale through your mouth, making a soft “ha” sound as if you were trying to fog up a mirror, as you bring your palms together again in front of your chest. After you’ve got the hang of timing your movement to your breath and making the fog-up-a-mirror sound, begin exhaling through your nose while still making a similar “whoosh” noise. The noise won’t be as loud, but it should still be audible to you. Continue as long as you can. Aim for at least fifteen breaths, more if you can hack it. When you’re done, straighten your legs, bring your hands to your hips, and breathe normally for several moments before resuming normal activity.

Modifications: If standing with knees bent is too strenuous, you can also do this exercise while sitting cross-legged on the floor or on the edge of a hard-backed chair.
Benefits: The Warrior’s Breath flushes stale air and old, stagnant emotions out of the lungs and torso. It bathes the lungs in fresh oxygen and energy. Making the “ha” sound requires that you constrict the back of your throat, which regulates the flow of air and adds a layer of mental complexity that gives you something to focus on other than how sad you are.

My First Christmas in Heaven

The last two weeks were crazy with my relative now in a nursing home after having a massive stroke, but he's stable for now. However, I just know in my heart he doesn't like being like this -- can't talk well, is totally dependent on others.

I was looking through some older material I had saved after Jeff died and found this poem. It was sent to me years ago and I have no idea where the original is from, but I know it was circulated on the Internet. For those experiencing their first Christmas without their loved one, I hope this gives you some peace as we get closer to the season.

My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees
around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars
reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year

I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you,
the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away
We really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory
of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift more precious
than pure gold
It was always most important
in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other,
as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessing or love
he has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and
wipe away that tear.

Dear Lisa (and readers...)

I received this email recently and the sender asked me to post it and see what others thought.

Dear Lisa,

God bless you for reaching out to the widowed. I just happen to find your website this morning when I am feeling overwhelmed again with grief after getting through the summer here in the northeast. I lost my husband in 2005 to a sudden heart attack. Your opening page of your website says it all. At this point , I'm either growing or I just continue making mistakes , or I am growing and learning and becoming stronger through all the decisions I have to make alone and they never seem like the right decisions unless my husband were here to help me. The truth is , nothing ever seems right.

Maybe I will feel that way the rest of my life. This morning I am going on another job interview, I don't know if I should take it. I don't know if it will fit. I have a nine-year-old, he was six when his father died. Our lives have been on a constant rollercoaster of having to make decisions on my own, I hate it. I have lost my anchor and the man who kept me stable the last 25 years. I had four children with him and our lives were normal. So I have been dating, And that ends up disastrous too. I look for someone or something to belong to, I need an identity it seems. I have lost myself when I lost my husband. So I attach myself right away and go out of my way, to please the new person, and then I crash and I can't handle the relationship any longer. Not to mention that my son doesn't seem to get along with any of the men I date. This is a serious issue because I long for companionship and affection, but the guys I am dating are not widowed and do not understand my or grieving times and my son's behavior at times.

I wonder if you could discuss this subject and I could hear from other widows. Is this normal? Or is this just my personality exposing itself. I have no health insurance since my husband died so neither my son or myself has ever seen a grief counselor. if you can refer me to one I would appreciate it. I live in Rhode Island. Thanks you again for listening to me, and for your website this morning. I have had many dreams about my husband. They were mostly in the first year of my grief. He would only smile and be still, but I knew it was real and it was his spririt coming to me . I still dream of him on special occasions like our anniversary and birthdays of our children. Thank you.
Christin

Well, from my personal opinion, I can say the ONE lingering thing with me is my inability to make a decision. I do, but it takes me forever and I feel paralyzed sometimes. Jeff and I made decisions together so it's not that he did all the work, it's just I get scared about making the wrong decisions. Then, after getting ripped off from contractors, my level of trust was very low so decision-making takes me an extra long time and I'm always doubting myself.

You sound like you need companionship and then get scared. My suggestion, hold off on the relationship stuff for just a little while and focus on other things -- new hobbies, time with your son, travel, whatever makes you happy. Once you become a little more content with being independent, you won't feel the need to cling to any man that comes along. Your son is going through his own grief, having a hard time seeing you with anyone but daddy. Understand that. There's no reason your son needs to have a relationship with your boyfriends if you are only casually dating. If he does get to like one of them, and you break up, he's losing another father-figure. Wait until one is serious and then welcome your son in, but expect that it might take time.

Anyone else have something to add?

Lisa

Death's Gift

Georgia Weithe, author of "Shining Moments: Finding Hope in Facing Death," talks about death bringing gifts. At first, I have to admit, when Jeff died I didn't want to think there was a gift in any of it. But if you really think about it, there is. What was mine? Well, independence, and not in the way you think. Jeff believed in me, never stopped me from doing something I wanted to try and although I've had other boyfriends prior to when I met Jeff, they were either intimidated because I had a brain or they didn't care less about my desire to be a writer. Jeff was different. He was my support, my cheerleader. I was even told from the aide in the hospital that visited Jeff that he talked a lot about the kids and me and my career.

How is that a gift? Well, I know I can handle anything because that lives on with me. I've been through so much, but taking Jeff away made me have to stand up and realize that I can do it all because my cheerleader made me believe that. Here's Georgia's blurb for this website from her book. What's your gift?

Death’s Gift

Ten years ago death took my father, but it gave me an important gift. It showed me that we take much for granted in life, because we assume there will always be another day to pay attention to the beauty around us, or to alter or elevate the quality of our relationships with those we love. The illusion that life on earth never ends allows us to pretend we can continue as we are forever.

The gift that death has to offer is the awareness that all pleasure is finite, all beauty is transient, as well as the knowledge that we will not be here forever to work through our problems with others.

Here are ten things death taught me about how to live:

1. Live your life so you have no regrets.

2. Admit to yourself that life is fleeting and all things as we know them will come to an end; then out of the awareness of the endings, create new beginnings.

3. Begin to heal your life by making choices that allow you to control your own destiny.

4. Acknowledge the presence of those you love, and honor your spouse or partner, your children and your friends.

5. Never resort to violent acts or bring ruthless thoughts into the realm of your being.

6. Bring love into every situation and replace vengeance with peaceful, loving intentions.

7. Elevate your actions to reflect the highest principles of living; show love, respect and honor for all life.

8. Waste no energy on vanity or pride.

9. Be generous and giving and pursue the highest purpose in all you do

10. Let go of life in the sweetest way you know how.



Georgia Weithe is the author of Shining Moments: Finding Hope in Facing Death (Reflections Press, September 2008). To read excerpts, find additional resources, or to join the conversation on her blog visit, www.shiningmoments.net

Win this! Angel Catcher

While many of us are familiar with the stages of grief, one cannot fully comprehend the feelings of loss until it is experienced. Angel Catcher: A Grieving Journal (ISBN: 0-8118-6172-4) is a unique and sensitive guide designed to help the reader overcome the loss of a loved one. With a refreshing design, room for photographs and clippings, headings to inspire reflection, and space to record personal thoughts and memories, this keepsake book captures the essence of a special relationship while allowing one to move forward.

Authors Kathy Eldon and Amy Eldon Turteltaub created the Angel Catcher concept while grieving after Kathy's son Dan died tragically in 1993. This revised and updated version includes a new introduction in which the authors share their person stories, and a refreshed, contemporary design with evocative illustrations by Susy Pilgrim-Waters.

They also have a kids version now too. Angel Catcher is a heartfelt and helpful approach to a difficult subject. It is a way to catch - and hold - an angel.

About the Authors
Kathy Eldon and May Eldon Turteltaub are the authors of best-selling journals such as Soul Catcher and Love Catcher, both published by Chronicle Books. They co-founded the Creative Visions Foundation, which supports people who use media, technology and the arts to create awareness of social, environmental or humanitarian issues and effect positive change in local and global communities.

Honestly, I wish I had this journal when I first lost Jeff. I always wanted to journal, but needed guidance as to what to write. This is perfect.

I'm going to give my copy of this book away. If you want to win it, just post a comment -- could be about anything, but ads and spam are not allowed.

thanks!
lisa

Resource for Single Fathers

Men and grieving -- should they or shouldn't they? Is it a sign of weakness if they do? What about grieving in front of their sons? Is that setting a bad example? Men have been debating this for quite some time. There are some widowers I know who won't shed a tear -- "I want my son to be tough," they say. Others are freer with their emotions, "I want them to know how to handle emotions." My opinion? I firmly believe kids need to see their dads cry and be emotional and work out their feelings.

In book The Complete Single Father, written by Michael Shimberg and Elaine Fantle Shimberg (2007, Adams Media), the authors write, "There's no time limit for grieving...our culture, unlike many others, doesn't have specific rituals for handling grief...forget the myth that says 'men don't grieve.' They grieve alone because they thinking it isn't manly to show emotions...Let your kids know you're hurting too. Otherwise, kids suffer in silence, thinking it's wrong to cry or show your feelings...Your kids depend on you. This is no time to start drinking to forget or start using drugs, over-eating, etc....You may feel anger for being left alone, abandonment (she was the one who kept track of birthdays and social events), and absentmindedness. Be especially careful driving...Watch for depression in your kids (and yourself)...Don't let others remove her things until YOU are ready. They may think they are helping, but you have to be the judge when you're ready...It's not unmanly to seek counseling for yourself and your kids as well."

The book also includes information on:

* Communicating effectively and showing affection
* Making your house or apartment a home
* Remaining consistent while juggling each new day
* Coping with teens
* Balancing work and parenting
* Handling special circumstances involving widowers
* Celebrating holidays, dealing with extended family, and maintaining friendships
* Dating again, raising daughters, cooking foods that kids will eat, fielding common childhood maladies, and more

This is a terrific book for single dads and comes with accompanying website where you can submit questions to Michael (who is a single dad through divorce has has two young children, 5 and 7).

(I'm trying to see if Michael will answer some of your questions in a future post. Feel free to comment with questions and I'll pass them on. Stand by...)

Until next time,
lisa

When am I going to stop feeling this way?

I got this letter the other day and thought I'd share the question that was asked of me.

"...when does it stop feeling like he's still going to come through the front door, and say it was all a misunderstanding? He worked Monday through Friday 8-5 and when 5:30 rolls around I still expect him home. I hate that feeling more than anything because then I have to remind myself he's dead."


My response, "Absolutely, I would think that he was coming back home. When he died, the baby was 2 and I remember wanting him to get up in the middle of the night, but he wasn't there. I also remember dialing work and then backing off. I would get a feeling that he was on his way home when it was time for him to be and each night it was a kick in the gut to remind myself that it wasn't happening. The feeling slowly goes away, but even now 9 years later, I've occasionally thought "What would I do if he walked in the front door???" (I think I do that when I see movies that make me wonder what that would be like.) It doesn't mean that you are in denial...it's just a stage. In my opinion, it's a stage we have to go through to get to acceptance."

Anyone else?