What to do with the ashes?

This letter was posted in response to one of my blogs, so I'm moving it here and I'm hoping that some of you who have cremated your loved one can help. Jeff was not cremated (although after the fact, months later, I remembered a very brief comment he said about 'maybe' wanting to be cremated...I can't remember!!! See, we always go through feelings of guilt about many things.

Here is the letter:

I'm 38 yrs old. My name is Cathy. My kids are 9, almost 6 and 2 (all boys). we lost their dad on October 26th. He was in a plane crash in British Columbia. He was on his way home with his dad after completing the final stage of his architectural exams and he became a registered architect that day. I am 5.5 months out and I just spent 2 weeks with them at spring break. The weirdest moments bring up issues for them. My 9 year old is obsessed with the fact that we cremated his dad. I am having a difficult time with that because I keep repeating that this is what his dad wanted. I haven't told them that their dad's remains are in my BEDROOM! I can't imagine. I am looking for ideas about memorials and what to do with the ashes. I don't want to spread them, I don't want to really part with them.. so I don't know what to do. any help would be great.

Dear Cathy,
First, I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm glad you found my site. I hope it has helped you a bit. Of course, when it comes to our children, we need to give them information they can handle at their age. If your son is obsessed with the cremation, it might not be the best time to show him where the remains are. However, depending on how he is obsessing, it might help him to know more about it. I remember when my dad died when I was a kid, I obsessed quietly in my mind about the body -- what happened to it, what was going on under ground, etc. I'm thinking if I talked to my mom about it, she might've answered my questions and put some of my fears at ease. Again, it depends on what you feel is best for your son.

I'm not sure how to do a memorial with ashes, so I'm turning this over to our readers and hope they can add some input. My thoughts -- first, you may want to include your children in on this special event. They'll always have a memory of what they did for Daddy. Second, it does depend on the laws of where ashes are allowed to be scattered, but is there something special that your husband loved to do? A special place he loved to be? That might help you think about what to do. You can invite friends, family, coworkers to help you or it can be an intimate thing for you and the kids -- what do you feel up to doing?

I also found this link -- it might help you.

Most importantly, please know that you can take your time and figure this all out. Don't let anyone rush you into making decisions.

Thanks for writing and please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.

P.S. I am sending you the book What on earth to do when someone dies? book for posting a comment. I hope it helps.

Lisa

P.S.: Like this blog? Please vote for it for the Blogger Choice Awards -- http://www.bloggerschoiceawards.com. You do have to sign up for a free account to vote, but I would greatly appreciate it. The more exposure this site gets, the more it can help other widows/widowers. Thank you.