My heart goes out to Japan

Over the last few days, an immeasurable amount of people have been affected by Japan's earthquake, tsunami and the deaths that have resulted. Today my heart goes out to the young widows and widowers who will be coping with this terrible tragedy.

UK Followers, can anyone help?

I received this note and couldn't help. Can any of you?

I am male and not young (59) so you may consider this as a fraudulent message. However I lost my partner who was 53 five months ago to a brain hemorrhage and have decided it may well be a good idea to chat with people who have suffered the same or similar type of loss. Could you recommend any web sites or chat rooms in the UK which may be suitable.

The Crazy Red Haired Lady

There are some days I just don't feel like I can be of help to other young widows and widowers anymore. I'm not in that same raw emotion from the first few years. Of course, if I think about Jeff long enough (okay, really only a few minutes) or I'm so overtired that the emotions just pour out of me, I'm back to square one even after all this time. Then there are other days I wonder how I've gotten here...ten years later...without losing it completely. There are days that I hate the situation I'm in and days I'm glad I'm so far along.

So to balance how I feel, I try to give you the resources of others who have also started to help other widows and widowers because they know that you might be young, but you're not alone. I'm still here...I'm still going...I'm still trying to help, but I'm not the only one. Check out this site too because you may relate to stuff that she's saying as well:

http://crazyredhairedlady.blogspot.com/

Getting through the holidays...

I know I'm a little late and I'm sorry, but my mom broke a rib and it's been a little crazy. I hope everyone got through the holiday okay. If you still need some help through the upcoming New Year's Eve holiday, here's a link with some good suggestions for you:

http://www.genconnect.com/relationships/how-to-cope-with-the-holidays-when-grieving/.

Remember, you may be young, but you're not alone.

I'm a little concerned

Lately, I'm getting a lot of emails from from new widows and widowers who are on the verge of being suicidal. I'm concerned so I wanted to talk to everyone out there.

I understand the pain. I remember one night, having dreams (actually nightmares) of what was happening to Jeff's body after I buried him. I couldn't sleep. When I did, I woke up in sweats. I couldn't deal with the pain. I just wanted to dig a hole and climb in next to him. I would often go around telling people, "I wish it was me." "It should've been me." "Why couldn't it have been me?"

While I thought this, I don't recall getting to the point of being suicidal, but I can soooo relate to how these widows/widowers feel. The pain of living without him would be nothing like the pain of anything anyone can put me through, or I can do to myself. I KNOW.

But checking out isn't the answer. I often thought that if I had done that, Jeff would've been pissed at me. Yes, PISSED. I have more to accomplish in this life, even without him. My kids needed me. My family needs me. And even if I didn't have kids, I have found that other widows/widowers need me through this blog and the work I've done. There's a purpose for you. There's a reason. There's a need for you here and you don't see that now, but you will. It may not pop out and bop you on the nose, you may need to go find it, but it's there.

Please don't do anything rash. Cry...write it out...go for a walk...talk to a friend...go see a doctor or a mental health specialist...use antidepressants...go exercise...write on this blog...do whatever it takes to get through this. I'll admit that I was on Prozac when Jeff was diagnosed with cancer. He asked me to go on it. I had suffered from post-partum depression when the kids were young and when he was diagnosed, he asked me to go back on the medication because he saw how upset I was. He thought it would help. I stayed on it for 3 years (or so). It helped me. It might help you. There are other resources that can help you too.

Don't give up! Anybody who expresses suicidal thoughts or intentions should be taken very seriously. Do not hesitate to call your local suicide hotline immediately. Call 800-SUICIDE (800-784-2433) or 800-273-TALK (800-273-8255) -- or the deaf hotline at 800-799-4889.

A boy without a dad...

A few times every year, my 13-year-old son goes through the "I hate not having a dad or a brother in this house" mood. Jeff died when he was about to turn five and his grandpa died in 2001. There is a lot of estrogen in this house with me, my teen daughter, my tween daughter and my mother all living under one roof. As much as I try to tell my son I sympathize and understand because I grew up without a sister (I have three older brothers) or a dad (he died when I was six), he'll say "but you had a mom and you're a girl."

Yup, you're right, but my mom was busy raising four kids, working, taking care of the home, etc. Even still I knew what my son meant...he wanted a man in the house, but since that wasn't possible right now I had to try and figure out a way to help my son.

Over the years, I've tried to find good male role models for him through coaches, friends and teachers. I started thinking about all of the guys that ask how he's doing or made some kind of impact in his life and I realized that he had many male figures in his life who cared about him. Then in a conversation I had with a male friend of mine (who is also one of his bowling coaches) about this subject, this man said, "Hey, I had a dad and he wasn't there for me and I had to raise my younger brother."

I realized that my son needed to understand that not having a male figurehead in the house didn't mean he didn't have people who cared about him and would be there for him if he needed it. We started talking about his uncles, his two bowling coaches who have talked with me about problems and helped him when his confidence was low. I told him about his friend's dad who treats him like his own son or my best friend's husband who told him he's family. I reminded him of his basketball coach who went above and beyond to support my son, encourage him and give him that pat on the back he needed to hear from another male.

I told him about what my male friend said about not having a good dad and my mother told him about her dad, who was a struggling alcoholic when she was young and how that affected her childhood. Then, of course, I told him about other kids who don't even have a dad or have a dad that beats them or hurts them in ways he can't even begin to imagine.

Then we talked about Jeff. About how he's always with him no matter what and that he'll have male friends and family in his life that he can turn to at all times. I told him that even though it was a short time in his life, his dad was a great guy and he has to hold on to that love that he was given in the beginning of his life and know that he can carry that around all the time as a means of support.

No, it doesn't erase the fact that Jeff's gone and not physically here to put his arm around Travis when he's had a great day and I know I'll have to repeat this whole conversation to him a few times in these precarious teenage years, but I'm hoping that it helps.

So if your own child is struggling, look for outside sources that can help you to provide some emotional support for your own child, and remember to remind your child that life may not be perfect at home, but you're still family and it's important that family stick together and support each other no matter what.

Until next time, you may be young, but you're not alone.
Lisa