A Cruise?

I'm "considering" putting together a cruise for widows/widowers either late this year or early next year and I'd love to know if there's interest out there. Please email me at lisawriter@msn.com and let me know if you would be interested. Thanks!

Dear Lisa,

I thought I'd answer a letter I recently received...

I lost my wife of 21 years to lung cancer in November, 2007. I’ve been getting pretty lonely lately and even though the kids are always here for me. It’s not the same. As I’m sure you realized. I met a woman online who lives about 50 miles south of me and we attempted to meet a few times, but I got in the car and got half way and thought "what am I doing?" I feel like I'm being disloyal to my wife. How can I ever expect to carry on any relationship if I cry every time I think of her?

Signed,
Lonely

Well Lonely, I'm so sorry for your loss, but honestly, your wife died not too long ago and your body and mind are telling you you're not ready for a relationship yet. Everybody moves at their own pace -- one widow I know dated right away after her husband died, while another one took several years. Me? I'm a snail's pace. I date occasionally, but nothing major. As for the crying, that's normal right now and over time will start to get a little better. When the time comes that you are ready for that first date with someone new, you should know that you're not being disloyal to your wife. She would want you to be happy. Maybe (if this is what you believe) she's sending you someone to take care of that. You had such a great relationship (that was described in a part of the letter that I removed from the blog) that I know she would not want you to be alone for the rest of your life. She would want to take care of you and make sure you had companionship in your life.

My suggestion, if you decide to meet someone, is not to think of it as the start of a relationship, but as 'meeting a friend.' I think by putting the word "relationship" in it, it puts a lot of pressure on you. Instead, go out, have coffee, join a group where you meet other like-minded people. Make friends. The pressure is off and if a relationship is going to happen, it will happen. When YOU are ready.

As for me, I'll never forget Jeff even if I am in a serious relationship with someone. Honestly, he's a part of my life, my history and my being that I'll never forget. I used to think it stunk that I had to date again and be in this situation. Now I try to keep the 'friends' thing in mind and just get out in the world. Everything else falls into place.

Lisa

A boy without a dad...

A few times every year, my 13-year-old son goes through the "I hate not having a dad or a brother in this house" mood. Jeff died when he was about to turn five and his grandpa died in 2001. There is a lot of estrogen in this house with me, my teen daughter, my tween daughter and my mother all living under one roof. As much as I try to tell my son I sympathize and understand because I grew up without a sister (I have three older brothers) or a dad (he died when I was six), he'll say "but you had a mom and you're a girl."

Yup, you're right, but my mom was busy raising four kids, working, taking care of the home, etc. Even still I knew what my son meant...he wanted a man in the house, but since that wasn't possible right now I had to try and figure out a way to help my son.

Over the years, I've tried to find good male role models for him through coaches, friends and teachers. I started thinking about all of the guys that ask how he's doing or made some kind of impact in his life and I realized that he had many male figures in his life who cared about him. Then in a conversation I had with a male friend of mine (who is also one of his bowling coaches) about this subject, this man said, "Hey, I had a dad and he wasn't there for me and I had to raise my younger brother."

I realized that my son needed to understand that not having a male figurehead in the house didn't mean he didn't have people who cared about him and would be there for him if he needed it. We started talking about his uncles, his two bowling coaches who have talked with me about problems and helped him when his confidence was low. I told him about his friend's dad who treats him like his own son or my best friend's husband who told him he's family. I reminded him of his basketball coach who went above and beyond to support my son, encourage him and give him that pat on the back he needed to hear from another male.

I told him about what my male friend said about not having a good dad and my mother told him about her dad, who was a struggling alcoholic when she was young and how that affected her childhood. Then, of course, I told him about other kids who don't even have a dad or have a dad that beats them or hurts them in ways he can't even begin to imagine.

Then we talked about Jeff. About how he's always with him no matter what and that he'll have male friends and family in his life that he can turn to at all times. I told him that even though it was a short time in his life, his dad was a great guy and he has to hold on to that love that he was given in the beginning of his life and know that he can carry that around all the time as a means of support.

No, it doesn't erase the fact that Jeff's gone and not physically here to put his arm around Travis when he's had a great day and I know I'll have to repeat this whole conversation to him a few times in these precarious teenage years, but I'm hoping that it helps.

So if your own child is struggling, look for outside sources that can help you to provide some emotional support for your own child, and remember to remind your child that life may not be perfect at home, but you're still family and it's important that family stick together and support each other no matter what.

Until next time, you may be young, but you're not alone.
Lisa

P.S. I Love You, Spamalot and Happy Holidays

Hello everyone and welcome to my new blog! I’m delighted that you’re interested in continuing this journey with me.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with who I am, please visit my young widows and widowers website (link on the left) and read my story, then come on back and continue reading the blog. I'll be waiting!

The holidays were nice. The kids and I enjoyed the Sunday before Christmas with my brothers, sister-in-law, mom, nieces and nephew. On Christmas Day, it was just the kids and my mom and me. Every year, I always make sure I keep Jeff’s name and memory alive and I do that several ways. First, to celebrate her 15^th birthday and at her request, my daughter Nicole and I went to see Spamalot on Broadway (funny show!). The interesting this is that Jeff loved Monty Python and tried for years to get me to watch it. He must be laughing at me now knowing how much I liked the musical. On the way to the show, we stopped at St. Patrick’s Cathedral and lit a candle for Jeff (and others in our life who have passed).

We also made a few donations in his memory. On Christmas Day, I gave Nicole a charm bracelet with two charms to start – one was her initial and the other was a cowboy boot. Jeff wore cowboy boots almost all the time and we still have his cowboy boots, even though we’ve given away his other clothes years ago. To Samantha, our baby who is now 10 years old, I gave her an angel necklace. This was a little way that Samantha can know that Daddy is always with her. My son has Jeff’s artwork hanging in his bedroom, so he can look at that all the time and remember. We also went to the cemetery, hung a wreath and brought a (fake) poinsettia plant (the real flowers keep being eaten by the local animals).

The kids are getting big. This year they used their allowances to chip in and get me an Ipod! Okay, maybe they had selfish reasons for doing so. The rule when I opened it was, "Mom stop borrowing ours for the gym now, okay?!" Haha! I get it.

I also went to see P.S. I Love You, and if you’ve seen the trailer you’re probably wondering ‘why would I want to see that?’ After all, Hilary Swank plays Holly Kennedy who is devastated when her husband Gerry (played by the very cute Gerard Butler) falls unexpectedly ill and dies. Holly was a planner – she didn’t like to jump 10 steps ahead without a plan on how to get there. But when Gerry dies, he leaves her letters that he wrote before he died and they come to her through very unique ways. They force her to step out of her comfort zone, but one of the key aspects of the movie is the question: “As romantic as this is, is it keeping Holly in the past?”

I don’t think it matters if you’re a widow or widower or not, this movie is sweet and sad and will make you cry. For those newer in their grief, it may affect you more. The movie gives hope and shows a side of widows that people need to see. While some of her friends and family say it’s time to move on (a week after Gerry has died, Hello!!!???), we see how Holly stays in her apartment, doesn’t eat, then eats the wrong foods, doesn’t clean up or take care of herself. Although I showered early on, I was victim of the grief diet and lost 15 pounds in the first month (sorry, I put them back on) and I ate the wrong foods. Cleaning up my house wasn’t that important to me, although it wasn’t the pigsty shown in the movie either.

My point is this – I loved the movie. I laughed, I cried, I looked at the messages that Gerry left as hints about how I can improve my own life. I also now have a big crush on Jeffrey Dean Morgan (see him!) who played William in the film – but that should be the subject of another blog. LOL.

So, how did you handle this holiday season? What did you do to honor your loved one? And, if you saw the movie, let me know what you thought.

For this blog, I will be answering letters and doing interviews and giving prizes away that will put a little fun back in your life and give you support along the way. I’m excited about this. Let me know what you think!

Until next time, remember you may be young,
but you’re not alone.

Lisa