Dear Lisa...

(I wanted to share this letter with you -- the author has given me permission -- because I wanted to share other widow experiences on this site too. Since I'm quite more than 10 years out as a widow, I thought it would be good to share letters from widows who are closer to their initial grief. Thanks)

I was having a really bad day and find it hard to speak to people about how I truly feel so I Googled 'young widow blogs' and came across your sight. I read a few blogs and I cried and cried, because for the first time in almost 4 weeks I have found someone who makes sense to me.

My late husband and I had been together since 2004...we were friends for years prior but never took it to the next level until then. Shortly after we got together I became pregnant. It seemed like our worlds had fallen apart. He was living at home with his parents back in our hometown, I was living two hours away attending university and living with three other girls. I thought my life was over, but we tackled it head on. I moved home we got our first apartment together, I had the baby (a girl) finished school by distant education, worked full time and graduated with my degree.

Our life was starting to come together and we had gotten through what I though was going to be our biggest challenge. We had a lot of good times and a lot of trying times, but after 2.5 years we got engaged and bought our first house. Life was good, but to me it was never good enough. I always wanted more, bigger house, better paying job. Life was a party and it seems now looking back that I took advantage of our precious time together.

We got married in 2008. We had a beautiful wedding with over 300 guests. He wanted to expand our family right away, but I was more interested in stabilizing my career and becoming successful. We finally took our honeymoon in 2010 in Jamaica with other people. It was WONDERFUL.

We got back and I found out of was pregnant, but I was so mad. I hadn't wanted to start a family that quickly, I had a wedding, weight to loose etc. but then, what I thought was yet again another bad move, turned into a HUGE blessing.

In 2010 he was diagnosed with an aggressive form of Leukemia. He literally was golfing one day and in the hospital getting the most devastating news of our lives three days later. From there our last journey began.

He went through a strong cycle of chemo, which he flew through. The doctors were amazed. I never left his side. For every round of chemo and hospital admittance I was there on my cot beside his bed. I never left, I couldn't leave. He did awesome, he would be golfing a week after he'd be out of hospital and everyday in between rounds.

In September he underwent what we thought would be the cure, a stem cell transplant. Once again he did amazing, astonishing the doctors. Everyone thought we had this beat. Our friends and family were great and extremely kind and supportive. Although everyone was hopeful and optimistic, for some reason I had a feeling that it wasn't it. I hoped and prayed every single day and every moment in between that he would get better. We had another little girl on the way and an older daughter who absolutely adored her daddy. How could god take him?

On Oct 26th our world came crashing down again. He had relapsed and treatment at this point was difficult as his body was already so weak from the transplant. Doctors were not hopeful and tried a few things and nothing was working.

He was admitted to the hospital and as a last resort they started him on a low dose maintenance chemo in hopes to control the disease and bring him back into remission. Then, they would do a second transplant to wake up his new cells and get them working in full force to overpower the disease and cure him. Prognosis was poor and successful outcomes were slim due to his type of illness, but it was our only hope.

It looked like the chemo was doing something and it may have been working, but they had a meeting with us and asked him was his short term goal was. He said it was to see the baby born. They didn't foresee the chemo working long term and thought that two weeks was all he had left. So that week, at 38 weeks, I was induced and we had our baby girl here. She was/is perfect. He was so proud, he couldn't be there for most of my labor but came in when I was ready to push and together we brought into this world another beautiful baby.

We continued with the weekly maintenance chemo and, in the mean time, I searched for an alternative. I found a trial going on and contacted the doctors to see if he could join. It looked like this was the miracle drug that was going to get us to the point to be able to do the second transplant. They told me to hang tight that the trial was on it's way within a few weeks. In the meantime, miraculously, the chemo was managing the leukemia enough to keep him alive even though every week, he got weaker and weaker. He fought on and enjoyed time with his new little baby and other princess. We waited for this drug and knew that this was it, this drug was going to be the miracle so many were praying for.

Finally we were off to get our prayers answered. He started the drug in November and was sent home to wait. We were to get his blood tested to see if the drug was working but that morning he took ill. We brought him to the hospital and found out he had an infection in his blood and within four hrs he was gone. His body had had enough and he left me.

We did get some blood results and it looked like the trial drug was working. I whispered in his ear to hold on and told him that the drug was working so he had to fight a little bit longer. I really thought he was going to pull through. Before he went unconscious he looked at me and said "I love you"... and then that was it... he started failing and failing fast.

So that was it, all my hard work had failed because I couldn't save my husband. He was so scared in that hospital and I couldn't save him. I keep picturing them doing CPR all I could do was squeeze his foot and hope that he wouldn't give up. I can't believe he gave up. He promised me he would never leave, and that he would beat this. At 29, he's gone and NEVER coming back.

I didn't know how I was going to tell our 5 year old, I just cried in my dads arms, crying and crying and wondering how I was going to tell her. I failed our family... I should of pushed to go to the states to start the drug back November when I initially came across the drug. I knew that waiting was deadly because this disease has no mercy and every day could of been his last.

I hate hearing now that I was amazing throughout his illness and that they don't know how I did it being pregnant and all, but I did and I would do it all again if he could just come back. I know that my pain is selfish because he would of suffered longer and most definitely had long term health issues that would of prevented him from living the life he wanted, but sometimes I don't care I just wish he was still here lying in our bed.

I'm mad because now I have 2 girls to raise alone. I am ever so grateful that I have 2 kids and that for some reason I got pregnant when I did. I have the 2 most beautiful girls and I wouldn't change that for anything.

It makes me mad to hear people say how much they admire me for what I did and what I went through, because I feel like what I did was minimal compared to the battle he fought. He didn't want to die... he was so scared to die.

I miss him so much, I still find it hard to believe, I'm mad because everyone else gets to go home and be with someone and I get to stay here and be alone. I know I'm not alone because of the girls, but I am in my heart. I no longer have the person to lean on, and cuddle with, to yell at, to cry with, to just be with. I am alone, and it really, really sucks. The worst part is, is that there is nothing I can do about it.

So when I read your December 21st blog and just cried, because that is exactly it and for the first time I felt comfort that someone else knows how I feel. I'm sad that that brings comfort to me, because that means someone is hurting like I am, but it really does feel good.

So I just wanted to thank you, because for today, you've helped me to get through this moment and on to the next.

How do I get through it?

Been receiving a lot of letters lately and am trying to get through them, but someone asked me, 'how do i get through it?' She lost her husband 3 weeks ago and has two young children, 2 years old and 5 months old. Here is my response to her:

I'm so sorry for your loss. and yes, it is three 'short' weeks ago. How do you do all of this...one day at a time. It's cliche but it's true. You get up for your kids and show them that life goes on. You show them that you hurt and that you get better, you show them that you fall apart and cry and then you know how to pull yourself together and do what needs to be done.

You show them how to make daddy proud.
You show them that no matter what's happened in your life you never use it as an excuse to do something bad or give up.
You show them how to survive adversity.
You show them emotions and you show them how to grieve and then you show them how to laugh and through them you get through it.
If you see a couple, you might be jealous/angry/grieving and it's normal. How do you go to the store by yourself? You take a big deep breath and go in or, if you have home delivery, you take advantage of that and go in another day.
How do you celebrate your daughter's first Christmas? It's very tough, but you give her something special. i'm sorry to say that 'she' won't remember this, but you will. Give her something special -- a framed photo of her dad or something
You ask for help and say thanks and then, when you need to, you lock the door and spend time with your children alone and you giggle and laugh because they're babies and that's what they do.
How do you get through this? With your husband's love and guidance from above, it's there.
And you know you can do it, but it's one step at a time and you do it for them and you be the best mommy you can be. And you'll do great. And it will hurt and suck and you'll hurt later on special occasions and then on other special occasions you'll be okay.
You get through this...one day at a time...with or without friends, with or without family...because you have to.

New Book Redefines Concept Of Death and Offers 21 universal lessons for the living

I was sent information on this book. If you believe in this, it might be worth checking out.

Death is not the end of life but rather a transition from one phase of existence to the next; it is -- literally -- just the beginning. When Pam Adams' husband and soul mate, Raymond, was brutally murdered, she learned firsthand how very real 'life and after death' is. She reunited with her lost love through communications from beyond the grave. Her book Letters from Raymond is a heartwarming story about love between two soul mates that transcends the physical world. In it, Adams shares her story of triumph over tragedy and also offers readers 21 empowering lessons by which to live—shared directly from those in ‘transition.’

Adams—who established Raybert Lodge in 1999, a spiritual retreat in South Africa for bereavement and healing—was able to communicate with Raymond through a psychic medium to help readers make sense of life on earth. Letters From Raymond provides comfort to those who fear death and those who mourn the loss of loved ones. The book’s 21 life lessons—gleaned from Raymond’s after-life experiences—focus on love, compassion, and acceptance as being our true salvation.

Letters From Raymond is now available for purchase at www.authorhouse.co.uk, Amazon.com, and other online booksellers.

EXCERPT (Page 15-16)

I wanted to remember that beautiful smile when he had left me just a few hours ago. Oh my God! How could they have done this to him? This beautiful man who was kindness itself, had so much to give!! He had finally found the happiness that he deserved. We were so happy and totally in love. Our life together had only just begun, how could he leave me now? We had been looking at properties to build our own home. What about all our plans? What about the promise of this beautiful life that we were to share together?

The organ played softly as family, colleagues and friends waited outside of the church. I took my place in the front pew as the pallbearers carried in his coffin
and placed it reverently in front of me. I looked at it and wanted to rip it open! How could Ray be in there? He was so full of life and so real to me still. There was no way I could survive without this man! He was my life and my soul. How would I survive without those constant hugs? Those re-assurances of his total love and devotion! The service began as we stood up to sing a hymn. I had written a letter to be read in Ray’s memory. Brian Lister who conducted the service gently opened the letter and began to read:

“There was never any need to have said goodbye as each day was filled with so much love and tenderness. I could go to sleep at night feeling so fulfilled, happy
in the knowledge that everything that needed to be done, had been done, everything that needed to be said, had been said. Our life together was so complete and the love that we shared was so deep, there were no words that could possibly describe it. I was so privileged to have had the time with Ray and so honoured to have been his wife.”

A widow from Uganda

I recently got this letter from *Ann, a 37-years-old widow from Uganda. I wanted to share it to show you that people all over the world are going through what we go through. Some are even going through worse than others. (*I changed her name and took out some personal details she gave me. Oh and this is not one of those spam letters asking me for money, btw.)

"I was so excited to see that there is a site like this one. I asked myself if I was the only person going through what I am going through.

I am a woman who lost my husband and father of my children to HIV/Aids when I was 22 years in 1995. He left me with 2 daughters plus his one daughter whom l found him with and to make matters worse, for this girl, l did not know her mother. The mother had already died and l didn’t even know her aunties, so l had to accept her in my life. But my dear it has not been easy at all. Getting the funds to take my children to school, paying for our accommodations, buying food and the whole up-keep has not been easy at all.

And to make matters worse, because my husband died of HIV, I was discriminated by my own people and the public because during those days, whoever lost a partner to HIV, it was automatic that he/she is also going to flow. So they knew that I was going to die any time, getting a partner was impossible. Last year I tried putting up an advert in our local newspapers here, searching for a gentleman of the same status so that we could start up our own new life, but one of the correspondents was a conman who seduced me to get a salary loan and he took all the money from me without me knowing that he was stealing it, so I was so disappointed to see that one could take advantage of my situation/problem to benefit himself and his family. Can you imagine! How bad people can be!

We, the Africans, are very unfortunate that everyone is on his or her own and, mind you, when you lose a partner, even the friends who used to associate with you run away. I wish we had such associations this way. It could help us a lot to regain our identities.

It’s now 15 years down the road,but I completely lost my identity, people don’t even invite me for social functions like parties. It's like they are blaming me for my husband’s death. Am really so lonely..having no one to share with my experience and challenges...am in a completely different world because they don't know what am going through.

I thank God that am currently on ARVs with the other girl that my husband left me with (because she was also born with the virus) and at least we have some hope of waiting to see what will be in tomorrow.

But please keep that spirit up because there are so many people out there who need your services. During that time when the conman had just conned me, I felt like leaving this world for a while then I come back when the storm is over, but where could that be and where could I leave my children and with who. But I thank God that He has brought me this far and I wish I had seen this site then, it would have worked a lot to heal my heart."

Like I said when I started this site, "You might be young, but you're 'not' alone."

A widower's story

Dear Lisa,

"I just lost my wife in August at the age of 48. I think that it has just started hitting me the last couple of days that she is gone and not coming back. Today is a very hard day for me, and I feel like someone is standing on my chest, and I also feel very anxious. It comes and goes in waves, and it is awful.

She suffered a major heart attack in our home. She had been complaining of a sore back for the last six weeks or so, and finally went to the doctor a week prior to her heart attack because of the pain.

There was massive damage and she would have been left in a vegetative state. We all knew that she would have hated that, she always made that very clear, and decided we should take her off of life support.

I found one internet site and have a grief counselor Sand she gave me some information and provided me with a book on grief "I Can't Stop Crying" by John D. Martin and Frank D. Ferris MD. It helped a little when I first read it, maybe I need to read it again.

I really miss her, and I do not how to deal with this. I am not sleeping or eating properly, and I have a hard time trying to force myself to eat at this point. I know that I have to take better care of myself, but I am finding it so difficult right now. I am just so damn sad. How do people get through this?"

Well, we get through it the way you're getting through it right now, we find a counselor, read materials, get online, reach out, not eat, cry too much, eat a little, cry some more, see another counselor, and repeat the process until one day we start feeling just a little better and realize we didn't cry quite as much that day. Keep doing what you're doing. It's early in the process and you're getting there. Don't give up.

Not quite sure what to say....

I haven't blogged since November and many of you who follow me have wondered what happened. First off, I'm okay and thanks for caring.

Second, I'm not quite sure why I stopped blogging. I think part of me wondered if I really was helping anyone. Jeff has been gone for 10 years and I know I can still help others in my situation with advice and comfort, but I wondered if I really said all I could say. I will admit that the 10 year anniversary knocked the wind out of me. I don't date a lot and have no desire to remarry, but I'm happy with the dates I go on and what I've done with my life. Yet, I felt stuck and alone for the first time in a long time. I worked through it and realized that it was okay for me to feel that way and I took baby steps to get back on track.

I still get letters from widows/widowers and I still find people who want to friend me on Facebook (I'm going to start a page for widows/widowers soon so you can all connect with each other instead of just with me). I've tried answering so many, but it's hard to keep up and with three teenagers in the house now, I've had to prioritize my time. If you're reading this and I haven't answered you yet, it's not because I don't care. I simply get so many letters and trying to answer them all can, sadly, become a full-time job at times.

Third, my own personal life got pretty chaotic. My oldest daughter, who many of you remember as only being six years old when Jeff died, is going off to college in August -- COLLEGE! We spent most of the fall and winter filling out college and scholarship applications, dealing with SATs, and me working my butt off on a few new books I have coming out so I could pay for it all. My son plays in five (count 'em) bands in and after school and my oldest is working now, so I think I have a new part-time job as a taxi driver.

I'm doing my best to figure this all out. I almost stopped for good, but I felt that wasn't fair to me or to you. I'm also trying to figure out what I could do differently to make this blog important to everyone. Please be patient with me. In the meantime, CNN ran an article today about finding others who are grieving (not necessarily just widows/widowers) online. You might find a new site that can help you:

http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/03/26/grieving.online/index.html?hpt=Sbin

If you're interested in friending me on Facebook, please do so and most importantly let me know you're one of the widows/widowers from this blog, but I won't respond until I have that group set up and all of you can talk to each other. I'm also thinking of getting back to the dating site I once set up for widows/widowers. If you're interested in either, let me know. As for the cruise I talked about some time ago, I am still considering it. It's taken time for me to look into it and get it organized and time has been a precious commodity to me right now. Again, I'll be in touch about that. And thank you all for being so awesome on this journey.

A Cruise?

I'm "considering" putting together a cruise for widows/widowers either late this year or early next year and I'd love to know if there's interest out there. Please email me at lisawriter@msn.com and let me know if you would be interested. Thanks!

American Idol

I've been insanely busy with a book deadline, but I don't miss an episode of American Idol. So, what does this have to do with being a widow/widower? Well, it seems that this season is barely underway and the Internet is abuzz. It's partly about some of the contestants and their talent, such as Adam Lambert, who has such amazing range and stage presence (and eyes, LOL) that he's going to be hard to beat.

But another contestant is getting Internet buzz for two reasons. His name is Danny Gokey. Now if you know American Idol, you know the first few weeks are bad and good auditions and sob stories. They pull you in, get you to sympathize with the homeless teen or the man who is looking after his mother who has cancer. These stories really don't bother me; some people think they should just stick to the competition (honestly, if you're really bothered by hearing these stories, you're taking this show waaaay to seriously). Since I write about celebrity-do-gooders, it's nice to see the human side of people who, for at least some of them, are going to be the next big thing. I hope they use those personal stories to do something good after they've made it big (think Elliott Yamin and his diabetes story -- he now works with on behalf of diabetes charities).

Now Danny Gokey's story, which has been highlighted by AI repeatedly: Danny, who looks like Robert Downey Jr (I am NOT complaining because I happen to think that RDJ is one of the sexiest men in movies ever) is a young widower. He is 28 years old and lost his wife only four weeks before his audition. His friend convinced him to get out of the house and go to the audition -- Gokey made it through and made the top 24 last week. The buzz? People on the Internet are 'sick' of hearing about his wife. They claim he is using it to gain votes. A shot to his friend in the audience shows a picture of his wife and he is interviewed and asked about it all the time. The Internet audience -- bloggers, fans, etc. -- want him to stop and 'move on.'

In an interview, Danny said, 'this is a sob story i don't want,' and says he says that it's only been seven months and it's part of who he is. He didn't want to get out of bed until this. We can all identify with him. He had the courage and the strength to go to an audition and achieve something big, only to not have his wife on his side to celebrate with when he was told he was through. And since then, the man has been going with American Idol -- success and fame is staring him in the face and he just buried his wife a few months ago. He's dealing with a huge rollercoaster of emotions and the Internet is giving him such a hard time.

Now, everybody fell in love with Elliott Yamin's mom (and by the way, I've interviewed Elliott and he's such a sweetheart), but there was no major Internet buzz about how they keep going to her and using his story about being deaf in one ear to get votes. Yet Danny is hearing this to the point where he already had to be interviewed about it and has this weighing over his head in addition to trying to audition week after week. He has agreed he wants people to vote for him for his talent -- and he's VERY talented -- and not his story. But I totally agree with him that this is who he is right now. He's had to adjust to a new life, cope with new feelings of grief and pain, audition for something he's never done before, be interviewed by reporters about the whole thing and find out that people on the Internet are writing nasty things about him. Lots to cope with and I think he's doing it with class.

Remember how we were seven months or even four weeks after our spouse died? If it wasnt for my kids, I also wouldn't have gotten out of bed. Danny has a great friend who encouraged him to try something. Some have said, "what was he doing at an audition only four weeks later?" My, how people are still judging widows and widowers. We're damned if we do and damned if we don't. If he couldn't sing well, we wouldn't have heard a thing about him or his story or it would've ended after a bad audition. But he's being judged by people who have no idea what it's like to bury a spouse at any age, nevermind at his young age when he thought they had a whole life together.

My point is this -- I hope, for Danny's sake, that people vote for him on talent alone and that American Idol gives him a little privacy on the subject and not constantly bring it up. If he wants to mention it, he has that right, but he's already said it's a sob story he doesn't want. Would anyone? So he's doing the best he can. Let him work through it. Do I think that he's the best person in the competition. He's one of my top faves right now, along with Adam Lambert and Alison (sorry I can't remember her last name...the redheaded one). I would like to see him go far in the competition purely on his talent. And I wish people would stop being so harsh on him. I thought we've come farther than this. I guess I was wrong.

lisa

The Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation Conference

I received this in an email today. Wanted to pass it on. I won't be there, but enjoy it if you choose to go.

The Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation team is having the first EVER National Conference on Widowhood in July 2009 in San Diego, CA. They have an interesting line up of speakers who will be speaking about topics we all care about. Visit http://www.sslf.org/c_speakers.html for information on the speakers’ panel. I have been honored to be asked to be one of those speakers and I want to invite you to the conference. I would love to meet you in person.

They have partnered with the San Diego Symphony to bring us a “Musical Evening Under the Stars,” featuring the fabulous San Diego Symphony, who will be joined by a variety of musical guests. Proceeds will benefit a unique initiative in support of improving the condition of global widowhood…and your tickets to this amazing evening are included with your registration.

Professionals in need of continuing education credit can join for their Pre-Conference event scheduled for Friday, July 17th. They are welcoming Tom Golden LCSW, Dr. Michele Reiss Ph D, Pamela Gabbay MA FT, and Carla Fine, author of No Time to Say Goodbye; Surviving the Suicide of Someone You Love. Each workshop presentation will be three hours in length, and their bookstore, run by the Centering Corporation, will be available during the lunch break. Contact info@sslf.org for workshop topics and registration information.

This conference is the first of its kind that I have heard about. Whether you are a new widow/ widower, a widow/widower who has walked a bit further down the path, a widow/widower who has remarried and is living a new and full life, a support person of a widow or widower, a bereavement professional, or a member of the clergy…there is something at this conference that will touch and inspire you. Below are their links for you to explore.

www.sslf.org

I hope to see you there. If you know of someone who would benefit from the conference, please feel free to forward this email. I would enjoy hearing from you so please drop me a line and let me know where you are on your journey. It’s always wonderful to receive a picture so feel free to attach one.

Wishing you good things always,

Laurie-Ann

Laurie-Ann Weis

Website: www.laurieannweis.com

Books: The Water Dance: Finding Joy Again and Again Amid Life’s Hardest Lessons

The After Journey: Getting Through the First Year

"The Grief Diet"

You know how it is. After your husband or wife passes, you don't eat. You lose weight. I lost 15 pounds in the first 6 weeks after my husband died. I wish I had kept it off, but later, I relied on fast food and junk to get me through a crazy single parent life. Bad, I know. I've played the yoyo diet game ever since. I'm now working on taking it off for good.

Whether you are fighting the grief diet, put on weight after or just need to take better care of yourself, this column should help you. I've asked JJ Virgin, PhD, CNS a celebrity nutrition and fitness expert, author, public speaker and media personality for some advice.

She is internationally recognized as the expert in overcoming weight loss resistance and trains other health care professionals in her program. She is a proud board member of the National Association of Nutrition Professionals, www.nanp.org.Stress is one of the biggest assaults on our health and going through the death of a spouse ranks right up there in all time most stressful events. Stress has a biochemical impact on your body both initially and chronically that can make you tired, depressed, hungry, gain weight, lose muscle and lose your overall joy if not dealt with. The good news here is that with good self care you can heal from the stress and reclaim your health and vitality.

In addition to JJ's tips, I added a little commentary.

1. Get 8-9 hours of uninterrupted sleep per night. Sleep is the number one way we repair our adrenal glands(body's stress system). (Often, widows/widowers can't sleep well at night. Try to nap when you can too, but JJ is right that sleep helps.)

2. Supplement with some extra Vitamin C, I love those Emergency Packets-try adding 1 to some sparkling mineral water once or twice a day. Vitamin C is the number 1 vitamin used by the adrenal glands and is critical for repair. (I actually got sick easier because I didn't take care of myself.)

3. Ditto on a good B complex. Your body burns up B's under stress so grab a good B Complex and take 1 with breakfast and lunch daily. (What's important here is that you need to eat. Even a small light snack. When we're grieving we don't want to eat. The number one thing is that we need to start adding some good nutrition into our daily life.)

4. Lose the sugar. Chronic stress depletes serotonin, your feel good brain chemical, which can leave you craving sugar to crank it back up. Trade your sugar for some low glycemic fruit options and if you are still struggling with those cravings try taking 5 HTP 50-300 mg, raising the dose slowly. NOTE, if you are on anti-depressant meds, please make sure you talk to your doctor BEFORE starting any supplements! (I relied waaay too much on sugar to get through the day. To show you how bad it was, I would drink pepsi and grab handfuls of m&ms...not good! It only made me crash later and want more. Then I was stuck in this terrible cycle. If you can't give it up at once, do it little by little.)

5. Get out in the sunshine and move it! Okay so sunshine naturally raises serotonin and so does exercise so try a little burst training outside. Burst training is where you alternate all out movement for 30 seconds-like a sprint, with active recovery for 60 seconds, like easy walking. This type of training is tops for helping your body burn off fat BUT even better it helps retrain your stress system to deal with stress and recover. I have clients start with accumulating 4 total minutes of bursting and then build to 8 minutes over time. (If this is too much in your condition, then just sit outside on a nice day. Of course, many of you might want to just pull covers over your head. I understand. But sitting outside will actually help the grieving process.)

6. Laugh with your girlfriends. Okay, you may not feel like it but with a good chick flick and a few buddies, your body will take over. Laughter raises serotonin too and lowers stress hormone. A recent study showed that women deal best with their stress by talking it out with their girlfriends. That phrase, 'laughter is the best medicine' is spot on. (I totally agree w/this. We're not saying forget about grieving. Just start small and build up from there.)

7. Eat three balanced meals that include 6 ounces of clean lean protein, 2 cups of NON starchy veggies, a small amount of a healthy fat(olive oil, cold water fish, raw nuts and seeds, avocado) and a half cup of a high fiber carb choice or a low glycemic fruit(oatmeal, lentils, sweet potato, berries, etc.). Eat every 4-6 hours, eat within an hour of waking up and stop eating three hours before bed. Most importantly keep a journal of your food intake and partner up with a pal to hold each other accountable. (Like JJ said, a journal is important in helping with weight loss, but if you're not up to that point yet, start with the balanced meals and what JJ recommends and work up to the journaling.)

Thanks JJ!

If you are frustrated with your body and feel like nothing you are doing is working, grab her free special report, The 7 Biggest Mistakes to Avoid in Weight Loss at www.jjvirgin.com and receive her monthly LeanZine loaded with insider information on fighting fat and getting lean for life FREE!

The Book of NO

Susan Newman, Ph.D., social psychologist and author of The Book of NO: 250 Ways to Say It--and Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever (www.thebookofno.com) sent in this tip for the holidays and I think it's always a good thing to consider no matter what time of the year it is:

Strongly consider all invitations before accepting. Our tendency is to say, yes, sure, I’ll be there (or do that). Think: Do I want to be there? Will that gathering, party, dinner make me happy or uncomfortable? Is it too painful this year? You have a right to say NO and protect your emotional boundaries and conserve your physical energy for the things and people you want to be with and who make you feel good. Similarly, you can tell people when you don’t want to talk about a sensitive subject, your loss, a health issue, a child’s problem—whatever. If they persist, walk away.

Until next time,
Lisa

Simple Rules for Dating a Widow/Widower

There must be something in the air. I'm getting so many emails from people who are dating a widow/widower and aren't sure what to do. So since many of them popped in here first to find out more, I thought I'd post some "rules" if you will to help you through the process.

1. Start Slow.
One person said that a widower lost his wife 2 months ago but seems interested in her now. Yes, that's possible, but remember that grief is a rollercoaster ride and can last quite a while. What's wrong with starting as friends and seeing where it goes from there? What you might see as attraction may just be his way of having some companionship and he may not be ready to move further.
2. "Court,"
Whatever happened to courting? Okay, maybe I'm old fashioned but when I get emails that talk about a long-term relationship and getting serious before basic dating has even begun, well I wonder about the person's intentions. Like I said, SLOW DOWN. The widow/widower is going through a rough time and jumping 10 steps ahead isn't going to help either one of you.
3. Don't ask him/her to take pictures down.
This is such a popular topic that I have to talk about it. I received one email recently that it 'bothered' the person that widower had a picture of his late wife in his house. Remember, that we didn't get divorced and we don't hate our late husbands/wives. There's nothing wrong with having a picture or some pictures around the house. I've always felt that asking someone to remove them is rude and disrespectful, especially if the person has children. I would never take down a picture of me, Jeff and the kids. If I get remarried one day, that pic will be added into our collection, but Jeff was their father and his picture isn't going anywhere.
4. Stop competing with a ghost.
One person wrote and said that "every once in a while" he mentions 'her'. So? Maybe being in Italy with you reminded him of something funny that they did together. He has a history with her and it's a good one, but remember She's not coming back and in time those memories will begin to fade a little and be replaced with stories of you. On the other hand, if you find the widow/widower is constantly talking about their late spouse, then he/she may not be ready to date and you may just want to consider a friendship. My dad died when I was young and my stepfather never told my mom to not talk about him, visit the cemetery or take pictures down. She even talked to him about my dad. He understood the situation and realized that my dad wasn't going to come back into the picture.
5. Be respectful of the children.
If children are involved, they may still be grieving and even though their mom/dad has a new boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't mean that the children are going to be so accepting. It's not a competition. It's an adjustment for the children and it needs to be respected. There may be a day that seeing you with their mom/dad might be hard on them and they react. They might have a bad day because something reminded them so don't take it personally.
6. Realize that things may change -- suddenly.
I get some letters where the widow/widower has taken a step back after being in a relationship for a period of time. I know that's difficult for you, but perhaps it moved too fast for him/her and they need to regroup. Perhaps it was too soon and the person just isn't ready yet after all. Sometimes it's hard whether or not you're ready to date again until you're in a relationship so they might realize it afterward.
7. Look for warning signs.
If your boyfriend/girlfriend has suddenly become withdrawn, sad, reclusive, angry, etc., the grief monster (as I used to call it) might have made a return visit in a much harsher way. Try talking to him/her about it and if you can't, see if there is a close friend of him/her you can talk to about it.

I'm sure I'm going to be adding to this list as I go on, but this is a start. Maybe it will help those who write me to sort out some issues. Remember, that being a widow/widower is much different than being divorced and comes with a host of different problems. If you're here trying to learn, I applaud you for taking the initiative.

Until next time,
Lisa

Mummy, it's hard for us too'

In 1998 her husband, Charlie, father of her two little girls, died suddenly of a heart disease. Kate Boydell describes what it's like to find you're a widow - aged only 33...

you can find the rest of the article here.

Don't get scammed...

Here's the embarrassing part to tell you. I write home building and remodeling magazines and time and time again have told readers not to get scammed and to make sure whoever you hire is qualified. Yet, at my most vulnerable time, after Jeff passed away, I fell for it and got scammed. A man who I knew was underqualified to do work on my home convinced me he could handle the job. That was the start of several years of nightmares that I'm still recovering from. He couldn't handle the job and the building inspector shut him down (thankfully). It made me feel like a failure...like I couldn't do anything right. I had to call in one contractor, do part of the job and wait until I could afford to do the next part of the job and get another contractor to do that part of the job. I'm still fixing things that were messed up during all of this...I don't look at my house with the love and admiration of a job well done. I look at my home and I'm grateful, don't get me wrong, but it wasn't supposed to be like this. Jeff's money that he left me was supposed to go farther...was supposed to take care of putting a roof over my mom's head so she could help me. Instead, I was dealing with my own health crisis (thyroid cancer), taking care of my children, grieving over my husband and now this...it was just too much...I was a victim and it cost me tens of thousands of dollars (yes, I sued him and won...he paid part of it and then 'disappeared.' What a surprise...)

I don't want the same to happen to you. When you are at your most vulnerable, it's important not to make any major decisions and to be VERY careful of those around you. Scammers can be a contractor or a guy (or even a woman) you meet on the Internet. A woman wrote me recently and told me that the guy she was dating from the Internet scammed her out of $900 and she found out that he scammed others. She wanted to know how she could stop him because the cops didn't have much to go on. I gave her some suggestions, but couldn't do much. However, we both agreed it was important to remind widows/widowers to be VERY careful. I also asked experts in this area for tips:

Ruth E. Thaler-Carter, award-winning freelance writer/editor, who has written about this type of thing for AARP state newsletters, suggests the following:

1) Trust no one with your money!
2) Don't tell anyone how much money you have.
3) With contractors and other service providers, get references before commissioning the work and never pay until the work is done.
4) Use credit cards whenever possible, because you may be able to stop payments and the credit-card company may help you get your money back.
5) Be skeptical of any new romantic interest who is interested in your money.

From: Robert Siciliano CEO of IDTheftSecurity.com

We do business with those we know, like and trust. Con men know this and work towards building this.

1. Realize there is a thief around every corner in all shapes and sizes looking to fleece you.
2. Never make emotional financial decisions, always make logical.
3. Check with the Better Business Bureau before laying down any cash to anyone
4. Be cautions of people trying to build a relationship with you then asking for money.
4. As the adage goes, "if its to good to be true, it is"

#5 is the most important to me. Go with your gut feeling. If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. Please, if there's nothing else you take away from this blog, take away this...don't let anyone take your money from you. Do due diligence and don't be so gullible to give people information if it doesn't seem right.

I'm recuperating from this, but my trust level with a lot of people is shot. I'm working on it though. I'm also trusting a neighbor who has proven himself to be good at house stuff and is helping me out as well. Be careful!

Lisa

My First Christmas in Heaven

The last two weeks were crazy with my relative now in a nursing home after having a massive stroke, but he's stable for now. However, I just know in my heart he doesn't like being like this -- can't talk well, is totally dependent on others.

I was looking through some older material I had saved after Jeff died and found this poem. It was sent to me years ago and I have no idea where the original is from, but I know it was circulated on the Internet. For those experiencing their first Christmas without their loved one, I hope this gives you some peace as we get closer to the season.

My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees
around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars
reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year

I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you,
the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away
We really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory
of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift more precious
than pure gold
It was always most important
in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other,
as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessing or love
he has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and
wipe away that tear.

Widowed twice

My mom was widowed twice. First, as a young widow when I was six years old. She remarried when I was 13 to a man 18 years her senior. We lost him in 2001. I spoke to another widow recently who was widowed twice. Once younger and once again more recently. The common reaction is to say, "why me???" Losing one spouse is hard enough, but two? Although both my mom and this other widow that I talked to are doing well and came out on the other side of both tragedies, I know it's not always the case.

I asked Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., (pictured left) for advice on what to say to widows or widowers who have had double spousal losses. Tina Tessina is the author of too many books to list here, but here are just a few: It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; How To Be a Couple and Still Be Free; The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again; Gay Relationships, and more. On her website, you can sign up for her free newsletter "Happiness Tips from Tina." She has two new books coming out from Adams Press in 2008: Money, Sex and Kids, and The Commuter Marriage.

Here's what she wrote, "With an experience like this, it's natural to say "why me?" It all seems so unfair. We all know, in our grownup mode, that life is anything but fair. The thing that helps is to focus on what you had. Understand that the most precious things can be the most short-lived. I don't know the circumstances under which this woman's husbands died, but I doubt if any of it is her fault. What she needs to do is take credit for the good life they had together when each of her husbands were alive. The longer we live, the more we lose, and the more we need to learn to grieve. Needing to grieve is like having x number of tears to shed. Don't hold back on crying, let it go, and move through that phase. On the other side is loving memories of time well worth spending."

Good advice. Thanks Tina.

Guest Blogger -- Special Dream by Luellen Hoffman

Native Americans believe that after someone dies, they come back in a dream to a family member to let the family know that they are alright.

I believe this too and this is my story.

My husband Michael was forty-three years old and never sick before he died in an accident in 1994. He was tall 6’3” with dark brown hair and eyes and handsome. He had graduated from Michigan State University in electrical engineering and was the smartest man I ever met. He was the love of my life and we were together for seventeen years.

A few days after the funeral I was sound asleep in my bedroom when Mike suddenly appeared to me. It was like I was conscious and woke-up inside my dream because I could feel his presence instantly when he entered the room and I could see him perfectly clear in the darkness and it all seemed very real and natural. He stood there at the left side of the bed looking straight at me. He did not move from where he was standing and I could tell he was happy, peaceful and he wanted to tell me something, something important, but I was too angry at him for dying so I told him with my thoughts, “to just go away,” and he immediately did. Just like that it was over, but it was very real and very intense the few seconds it lasted.

Now I wouldn’t have shared this dream with anyone if it weren’t for my sister-in-law, Diane who called me a few days later from her home in Michigan. She had taken her brother’s death very hard and was grieving very hard, but now her voice over the phone sounded excited and happy. She told me that Mike had appeared to her in a dream too.

When she told me this I knew exactly right away what she was talking about and then I thought to myself if this is happening in our family, it must be happening in other families too, only no one is talking about it. But what does this mean?

So I started researching dreams and after ten years couldn’t find anything about this type of dream. Then in 2007 I placed small ads in community papers across the nation, asking people if they ever had someone close to them die and then appear to them in a dream. Over three hundred people responded and I collected over one hundred stories about this type of dream experience. It was amazing to see the healing aspect these dreams had on people’s lives. It didn’t matter their age, race, religion or even affiliation with the person who died. At first I thought this is happening only in families, but then I found out it could also happen between friends. The dream stories that were sent to me are amazing because they are love stories and how love never dies, even if we pass on, we still carry love in our hearts and also how we are more connected to each other, our family and friends much more then we realize.

One amazing pattern I saw when reviewing all the dream stories was the one word that was said over and over again by the deceased to the dreamer, and that word was “okay”. I’m ok, or don’t worry everything will be okay. After looking up the meaning of the word “okay” in the dictionary I found that it means safe and good. We do not know where our loved ones go after they die, but from these special dreams, we do know that they are now in a place that is both safe and good.

People are having these dreams only they don’t know what they are, and therefore not talking about them, or sharing them with their family. It is a good part of the healing process and helps those who are grieving and sad.

Check out Luellen's site at www.specialdream.org

Has your spouse appeared to you in a dream? Tell us about it.

Resource for Single Fathers

Men and grieving -- should they or shouldn't they? Is it a sign of weakness if they do? What about grieving in front of their sons? Is that setting a bad example? Men have been debating this for quite some time. There are some widowers I know who won't shed a tear -- "I want my son to be tough," they say. Others are freer with their emotions, "I want them to know how to handle emotions." My opinion? I firmly believe kids need to see their dads cry and be emotional and work out their feelings.

In book The Complete Single Father, written by Michael Shimberg and Elaine Fantle Shimberg (2007, Adams Media), the authors write, "There's no time limit for grieving...our culture, unlike many others, doesn't have specific rituals for handling grief...forget the myth that says 'men don't grieve.' They grieve alone because they thinking it isn't manly to show emotions...Let your kids know you're hurting too. Otherwise, kids suffer in silence, thinking it's wrong to cry or show your feelings...Your kids depend on you. This is no time to start drinking to forget or start using drugs, over-eating, etc....You may feel anger for being left alone, abandonment (she was the one who kept track of birthdays and social events), and absentmindedness. Be especially careful driving...Watch for depression in your kids (and yourself)...Don't let others remove her things until YOU are ready. They may think they are helping, but you have to be the judge when you're ready...It's not unmanly to seek counseling for yourself and your kids as well."

The book also includes information on:

* Communicating effectively and showing affection
* Making your house or apartment a home
* Remaining consistent while juggling each new day
* Coping with teens
* Balancing work and parenting
* Handling special circumstances involving widowers
* Celebrating holidays, dealing with extended family, and maintaining friendships
* Dating again, raising daughters, cooking foods that kids will eat, fielding common childhood maladies, and more

This is a terrific book for single dads and comes with accompanying website where you can submit questions to Michael (who is a single dad through divorce has has two young children, 5 and 7).

(I'm trying to see if Michael will answer some of your questions in a future post. Feel free to comment with questions and I'll pass them on. Stand by...)

Until next time,
lisa

When am I going to stop feeling this way?

I got this letter the other day and thought I'd share the question that was asked of me.

"...when does it stop feeling like he's still going to come through the front door, and say it was all a misunderstanding? He worked Monday through Friday 8-5 and when 5:30 rolls around I still expect him home. I hate that feeling more than anything because then I have to remind myself he's dead."


My response, "Absolutely, I would think that he was coming back home. When he died, the baby was 2 and I remember wanting him to get up in the middle of the night, but he wasn't there. I also remember dialing work and then backing off. I would get a feeling that he was on his way home when it was time for him to be and each night it was a kick in the gut to remind myself that it wasn't happening. The feeling slowly goes away, but even now 9 years later, I've occasionally thought "What would I do if he walked in the front door???" (I think I do that when I see movies that make me wonder what that would be like.) It doesn't mean that you are in denial...it's just a stage. In my opinion, it's a stage we have to go through to get to acceptance."

Anyone else?

Inspirational Widows

I received this from State Farm Insurance: Congratulations to all the inspirational winners! For their courage and dignity in overcoming loss, thirteen men and women from across the United States and Canada were honored by State Farm Insurance at the 2008 Embrace Life Awards ceremony.

State Farm created the Awards program in 2004 to raise awareness for women on how preparing for the future today can help protect families' hopes and dreams for tomorrow. During the past four years, in addition to revealing dramatic stories that demonstrated the value of life insurance planning, the Embrace Life Awards also uncovered heroic stories of perseverance and personal sacrifice of people that bettered their families and communities.

This year's honorees have powerful stories, which exemplify strength and the undeniable will to move on after a loss. As 2008 marks the fifth anniversary of the Embrace Life Awards, State Farm revised the program, encouraging nominations of both men and women, and recognizing a total of thirteen honorees from across the United States and Canada.

This year's celebration began in Chicago where the honorees enjoyed a private dinner with radio personality Dr. Joy Browne and State Farm agents and executives. The celebration continued in Bloomington, Ill. where State Farm recognized the honorees at a formal ceremony and presented each honoree with $10,000 and the Embrace Life Award.

Remarkable People; Inspirations to All:

More than 200 people were nominated for the essay contest for their stories of empowerment after overcoming loss. State Farm chose the thirteen most inspiring people for this year's honorees:

* Carole Brody Fleet, 48, Lake Forest, Calif.
* Nader Dabboussi, 39, Dallas, Texas
* Ellen Lindeman, 40, Hartsville, Pa.
* Nathan Thompson, 23, Ontario, Canada
* Colleen Phillips, 44, Bradenton, Fla.
* Holly Scheie, 51, Billings, Mont.
* Dawn Douchette, 57, Colorado Springs, Colo.
* Clare Stringer, 53, Auxvasse, Miss.
* Mary Baltimore, 56, Gainesville, VA
* Dorothy Frederickson, 68, Holt, Mich.
* Rachel David, 71, Cedar Rapids, Iowa
* James Gillipsie, 79, Cedarville, Ohio
* Wanda Gross, 53, Alpharetta, Ga.

As executive vice president and chief administrative officer of State Farm Life Insurance Company, and a former State Farm agent, Susan Waring has seen first-hand how too many families simply don't take the proper steps to protect themselves today and in the future.

While all have inspiring messages, three of the honorees stand out for their particularly powerful stories of strength and perseverance. Each of the three honorees turned adversity into hope and continue the betterment of themselves, their families and their communities.

Carole Brody Fleet had heard it all from her husband, "Bad things happen to everyone else,"� and "We're too young to worry about life insurance that's for old people,"� until she was widowed at the age of 40 following the loss of her husband to ALS. When Carole first heard these words years ago, she was a wife and working mother, who, rather than insist on having uncomfortable discussions, unfortunately chose instead to nod in agreement and drop the subject. Now, as an author and speaker on widowhood, grief and bereavement recovery, Carole teaches thousands of women how to financially prepare and recover from the possible financial devastation when a spouse dies. Carole also created http://www.widowswearstilettos.com/ to provide advice for widows and create a forum for education, solace and humor. (Carole will contribute a post to this site in the near future.)

Nader Dabboussi lost his young wife Kimberly to breast cancer, just two-and-a-half years after she gave birth to their second child. "Never think a terminal illness or sudden death happens to other people and would never happen to your family,"� says Nader. "Death can come in different manners and at any age. It is imperative to protect families financially with life insurance."� Following Kimberly's death, Nader created the Kimberly Dabboussi Friends and Family Support Fund in her honor, which provides scholarships to families who cannot afford to send their children to the local child development center. Nader also encouraged family members to lose a total of 225 pounds so they would live healthier lifestyles.

Ellen Lindeman's community has been inspired by her amazing story of renewal after she was left to raise two small children when her 33-year-old husband died of esophageal cancer in 2003. Ellen has given her community perspective and teaches its members to embrace life as she has. Ellen always tells others, "Be open to hope, and to be open to help. Pride can get in the way, but everyone going through this, no matter who they are, needs help, financial or otherwise."� Ellen also founded the Ted Lindeman Outreach Foundation, a non-profit fund to help alleviate financial concerns for families who are recovering from the loss of a loved one.

Dr. Joy Browne: Embrace Life Awards Spokesperson, Radio Host and Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Joy Browne, honored as one of the country's 100 Most Influential Talk Show Hosts by Talkers Magazine, is the spokesperson for State Farm's Embrace Life Awards. Dr. Joy brings guidance to her loyal listeners coping with the emotional upheavals people face every day. She also gives advice on everything from marriage and workplace issues to planning for the future.

Dr. Joy addressed the 13 men and women being honored by thanking them for their inspiration and reinforcing the importance of financially planning for a family's future. Dr. Joy discussed how running away from the unpredictable is not the answer, but that people should embrace the future and focus on the things that will help prepare for it.

For more information about the State Farm Embrace Life Awards program and this year's honorees, visit www.sfembracelifeawards.com

Lisa