Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Dear Lisa (and readers...)

I received this email recently and the sender asked me to post it and see what others thought.

Dear Lisa,

God bless you for reaching out to the widowed. I just happen to find your website this morning when I am feeling overwhelmed again with grief after getting through the summer here in the northeast. I lost my husband in 2005 to a sudden heart attack. Your opening page of your website says it all. At this point , I'm either growing or I just continue making mistakes , or I am growing and learning and becoming stronger through all the decisions I have to make alone and they never seem like the right decisions unless my husband were here to help me. The truth is , nothing ever seems right.

Maybe I will feel that way the rest of my life. This morning I am going on another job interview, I don't know if I should take it. I don't know if it will fit. I have a nine-year-old, he was six when his father died. Our lives have been on a constant rollercoaster of having to make decisions on my own, I hate it. I have lost my anchor and the man who kept me stable the last 25 years. I had four children with him and our lives were normal. So I have been dating, And that ends up disastrous too. I look for someone or something to belong to, I need an identity it seems. I have lost myself when I lost my husband. So I attach myself right away and go out of my way, to please the new person, and then I crash and I can't handle the relationship any longer. Not to mention that my son doesn't seem to get along with any of the men I date. This is a serious issue because I long for companionship and affection, but the guys I am dating are not widowed and do not understand my or grieving times and my son's behavior at times.

I wonder if you could discuss this subject and I could hear from other widows. Is this normal? Or is this just my personality exposing itself. I have no health insurance since my husband died so neither my son or myself has ever seen a grief counselor. if you can refer me to one I would appreciate it. I live in Rhode Island. Thanks you again for listening to me, and for your website this morning. I have had many dreams about my husband. They were mostly in the first year of my grief. He would only smile and be still, but I knew it was real and it was his spririt coming to me . I still dream of him on special occasions like our anniversary and birthdays of our children. Thank you.

Well, from my personal opinion, I can say the ONE lingering thing with me is my inability to make a decision. I do, but it takes me forever and I feel paralyzed sometimes. Jeff and I made decisions together so it's not that he did all the work, it's just I get scared about making the wrong decisions. Then, after getting ripped off from contractors, my level of trust was very low so decision-making takes me an extra long time and I'm always doubting myself.

You sound like you need companionship and then get scared. My suggestion, hold off on the relationship stuff for just a little while and focus on other things -- new hobbies, time with your son, travel, whatever makes you happy. Once you become a little more content with being independent, you won't feel the need to cling to any man that comes along. Your son is going through his own grief, having a hard time seeing you with anyone but daddy. Understand that. There's no reason your son needs to have a relationship with your boyfriends if you are only casually dating. If he does get to like one of them, and you break up, he's losing another father-figure. Wait until one is serious and then welcome your son in, but expect that it might take time.

Anyone else have something to add?


1 comment:

Carol said...

Hi Christin, I am from RI also and lost my husband in 2005 when my youngest son was only 8. I know how you feel about being lost. Right now I just try to get through the things I need to and make things happy for my boys. This month would of been our 25th anniv and I really can't imagine dating (unless the perfect man just happens to drop into the picture! which i'm pretty sure won't happen) My youngest does see a counselor and has blue cross through Rite Care (you should look into that for insurance) and there is also a wonderful greif counseling group for children in Warwick RI. It is called Friends Way. We went there for 2 1/2 years and it was really helpful to my son. You should call and talk to them and see if this is something that might help you and your children. It's totally free and like i said they are truly wonderful people there. I would highly recommend anyone in our unfortunate circumstances to go there. I wish the best for you and your children. Carol in RI