Monday, August 4, 2008

A detour in grief...

It all started with one question from a friend, "Are you being too picky?"

Yes, I'm doing well. Yes, it's been quite some time since Jeff passed, but every once in a while, I lose it. And I lost it the other day. Why? Well, obviously I'm doing this dating thing and while other widows have succeeded at it and found new relationships, I'll admit that I haven't. I've dated and I like that, but I've hit a dry spell. So what? Well, when you hit a dry spell (for me, anyway) after awhile it takes it's toll. You start thinking, "What's wrong with me?" "Do I have a sign on me that says, 'undateable?'" (Check my back please.) So then I start thinking about the love that Jeff had for me and how sexy he thought I was and how cute and pretty, etc. I realize that I'm entitled to have that again. Yes, I said "entitled." We are all entitled to love. All entitled to companionship. And I realized that maybe I AM being too picky, but aren't I entitled to be? Why should I settle? Settle for the guy who cared only about my bra size and nothing else? (Yes, ladies, he existed.) Settle for the guy who wanted more kids when I didn't? Settle for the guy I'm not at all physically attracted to, simply because he showed interest? Settle for the guy who doesn't like sports or movies (two huge parts of my life) and made fun of my favorite team and player?

No, I won't do it. I want someone who cares about me and is attracted to me and we share the same interests. I don't think anyone should settle.

So, Lisa, how did you lose it? Well, I'll tell you. I got mad. Really mad about the whole situation. I never once, and my friends can tell you, EVER felt sorry for me. But this time I did. The one man who loved me unconditionally and with such passion was ripped from my life and now I'm trying to just find someone who wants to date. How can that be hard?

I was shocked at how I felt. Shocked at how mad I got. Others have it worse than I do, I know, but maybe I just needed to let that all out. Maybe I hadn't done it and needed to. I don't know. Why this past weekend? Why now, so far into my journey? I don't know. Sometimes I don't have all the answers. Sometimes I just sit back and examine my life too much. Sometimes I just want to pretend it all never happened, but of course that's not possible. What I do think is that this is just a reminder to change what's not working for me right now. So I did. I changed what I'm working on, ways I'm trying to meet people and just trying to have some fun. Everything else should fall into place. And, I've taught myself that on this journey, we're all entitled to a little bump in the road.

Just thought I'd share...

3 comments:

Cathy said...

wow,
I'm going to read this at 1 year out, 1.5 years out and then again each year. I am 9 months out and am starting to "think" about this topic. DATING.

everyone wants me to be happy again because what has happened to me has made me, of course, so sad. I want to be happy. I feel entitled to be happy and be connected to a person to love and cherish again. oh boy... I will read this again and again.
Any advise about what you might have done differently or wish you could re-do at my stage??

thanks :)
cath

God's Guitar Girl said...

Hi, Lisa! It's great to find and read your blog. I, too, am a young widow, and I've been dating a man for about 15 months. We met while he was deployed to Iraq and emailed for about 5 months until we got to meet during his mid-tour leave. I lost my husband almost 3 years ago, and it's been a heckuva ride since then.

I like your perspective on dating. Once I decided that I was created for companionship and knew that my late husband approved of me moving on (military families have to have these morbid conversations), I did so guilt-free, which has been such a blessing and a relief. But I have always had the feeling of, "Who would want this?"

I could write about this topic for waaay too long. I, too, have a blog that I would love to offer to you and your readers. I can be found at http://godsguitargirl.blogspot.com. My blog is entitled, "One More Thing." Life as a widow/widower with small children, or any sort of life really, just cannot seem to be straightforward anymore. There always seems to be "one more thing" to do, consider, etc., hence the name of my blog.

I'll be back to read again!! Hang in there!

txmomx6 said...

A bump in the road? I think we're all entitled to a freakin' huge pot hole that's big enough to swallow a bus!!!
Hang in there ..... unfortunately there are many of us on this path together.
Janine
http://txmomx6.blogspot.com