Monday, March 3, 2008

A bad night, wedding rings and men who think I need them.

It's been almost two weeks since my last post. My workload is -- thankfully -- very full and I've been busy trying to finish a book project for a publisher of mine. Add in snow days, a tax return, and a headcold and you know how it is...

Last night I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned and saw every hour pass. It's these nights that my grief makes a return visit. I still sleep on my side of the bed and, occasionally, I move to the middle depending on how my back feels. But last night, while watching television and trying to fall asleep -- a bad habit I've created for myself -- I burst into tears. I looked over at his side of the bed. I could picture him there and I missed him. I felt bad for what happened to him. I questioned my decisions about his healthcare. I ached for him. I have those moments every now and then. Granted, I get through the day easier, but when I go through moments that are more than just a bit of misty and a single teardrop, it pours out of me. Last night it was buckets.

Question: When do I take the rings off??? and what do I do with them???

Honestly, I wasn't wearing my wedding ring when Jeff died. I had given birth to Samantha two years earlier and I couldn't get the ring back on yet. So when Jeff died, I put our rings around my neck. Sadly, while on a get-away to Atlantic City that I went on with some friends who were trying to give me a break, the chain broke and I lost both of them. What a trip.

My advice -- you'll know when to take off the ring. It might be right away (and you put it on a chain, but be careful), six months or even a year later. In my opinion, I would consider taking them off by the first anniversary or so, but I know some widows who went two years before taking them off. Once you're ready for dating, it should obviously come off, but it really is a personal decision. Do not have anyone push you into doing something you're not ready for.

I still have my engagement ring and am just not considering changing it into a different diamond ring for me to wear. I love it as an engagement ring, but the truth is I can't wear it that way and I'll feel like I have another symbol of Jeff's love that I can wear forever.

What have you done with your rings?

Guys who think I need them...
So, I signed up to try a few dating services and have met a few nice men -- one of whom I am considering meeting. (I've run into a dry spell meeting people the traditional way.) But with nice men are a bunch of rotten apples and this one guy made me laugh. He actually thought that me telling him off was a "hard-to-get" routine! I started laughing when he said, "Oh this act is getting old. You know you need me and it's getting close until we meet." While this might anger some people, I found it highly amusing and while I practiced my flirting on some of the nice men, I practiced my snarky comebacks on this one.

Until next time,


Peggy said...

I took my husband's wedding ring, my wedding ring, his necklace and Taz pendant and had them melted down into 4 crosses; 1 for me that has my diamonds in it from my rings and the other 3 crosses have some gold from his ring and gold from my ring and are for each of my daughters to have when they get older. I had DAD engraved on the back of them. I thought this would be a nice thing for them to have. Since I have 3 daughters, I couldn't just give one of them my ring or my husband's ring. Now they have some of both of our rings to keep forever.

Elaine Williams said...

Hi: I faced the ring dilemna several times, and finally about 2 and a half years I put it away. I kept going back and forth. My youngest asked me about not wearing the rings, so there were different emotions at play here. I've also written about rings and many widow's firsts. If you'd like, hope over to my blog at
As you say, everyone has to figure out what is right for them in their own time frame. I also did the online dating, and a dating service you pay....unfortunately, for me it didn't work out, but I met some nice guys and some dysfunctional ones, just like in regular dating scenarios. I guess I've decided it will happen when it happens, as I don't intend to be alone the rest of my life. I am well on my way to healing over my loss, but there are still days when it hits me, and mostly now it's a loneliness factor. May you be well.elaine

spileo1183 said...

I've been a widow for 3 1/2 years now. I am 46 with a 15 year old daughter. I wear both wedding bands, my husbands ring and bracelet and my daughter wears his necklace. I can't bear to take them off yet. I do however very much like Peggy's beautiful!!

Juls said...

I don't know if you ever come back here but I'll post a comment way. It will be 3 years in March, and I have been wearing my wedding band on my right hand for about a year now. I tried the chain yesterday but it just looked so insignificant and vulnerable. It's back on my hand today. I'm a little lost. I sort of wonder if the ring keeps men away yet I can't bear to part with it all together.