A friend indeed?

I’ve had many conversations with widows/widowers about how
our friends have changed after the death of our loved one.
Often, these are the same friends we turn to for support
and who we think failed us by not being there when we
needed them most. 

Up until I spoke with Deborah E. Bowen, who is a Licensed
Clinical Social Worker in Wrightsville Beach, North Carolina
and co-author (with Susan L. Strickler, M.Ed.)of "A Good
Friend for Bad Times: Helping Others through Grief,” I
really only looked at the situation from my perspective –
what I needed back then and what they didn’t do for me.
Afterward, I realized that (for some of my friends anyway)
I could've asked for help when they wanted to give it. They
wanted to feel needed.


Deborah’s book is NOT for us, but was written for both
non-professionals and professionals who need to know
what to say and do or not) when someone grieves. I
asked Deborah about what we needed to do or say to
our friends who are trying to support us. Perhaps we
are pushing them away, even subconsciously, with our
actions or lack of actions. 

“But Lisa (you might be saying), why should we worry
about this? We are the ones who lost someone…they
should be supportive regardless.” “I’m too grief-
stricken to care about how I’m talking or not talking
to someone.” Perhaps, but we might be able to learn
something from this. Maybe the next time a friend
approaches you about helping you, you’ll know what
to say and how to say it so that friend feels
appreciated. As a result, that friend might not
disappear and a friendship might be saved. Of course
I can’t say this will or won’t happen with 100
percent certainty, but it’s worth noting.

I asked Deborah the following questions: 

What can we expect from those who are by our side
when our loved one dies? What can/should they be
doing for us? Should we have any expectations?

People who are with us when a loved one dies have
a variety of help they are willing to give. Some
people need to be physical caretakers(running
errands, cooking, cleaning our house). Others
need to be emotional caretakers (listening,
letting us cry). Some people can't do anything,
and need to distance themselves from us. Accept
that, and honor those friend who can't be present
with us.

Should we ask for help? It's very hard to do so.
How can we convey that we need help of some sort
without appearing needy or like a charity case?

YES! Ask for help. I know this is difficult
for some people, but we really are helping those
who want to help us by giving them a specific task
they can accomplish. People generally need to feel
needed. 

Why do those who promise to be by our side in the
beginning suddenly leave our side at some point?
I've had people say, "I'll always be there for
you," and yet they aren't there anymore. This
really hurts. Why does it happen?

Grief is a process, and it takes a long time to
work through the stages of grief. In our fast-paced
world, people don't always remember that, for
someone who is grieving, time stands still. It is
particularly difficult to sustain emotional
connections during times of anger, or denial.
The grieving person needs to let those friends
go who can't be present, and not feel resentment,
or turn their grief on the friend who has left.  

What tips do you have for us -- who are grieving
-- so the relationship between us and the person
helping us can be better?

Be as honest as you can be about your emotions,
your needs and your pain. People do better when
they have information. For example, say, "I am
so sad today. I just need to cry and to remember." 
Then, your friend has the option of offering
support (or not). In my book, I give clear,
concise activities that people who support people
who are grieving can do for a period of up to
a year after loss. Those suggestions would be
helpful for your friends.

Thanks Deborah!

You can learn more about Deborah’s book by
visiting her website: www.deborahbowen.com.

Until next time, you might be young, but you're
not alone. 

Lisa