Young Widows and Widowers

My heart goes out to Japan

2011-03-15T08:01:00.000-07:00

Over the last few days, an immeasurable amount of people have been affected by Japan's earthquake, tsunami and the deaths that have resulted. Today my heart goes out to the young widows and widowers who will be coping with this terrible tragedy.

Dear Lisa...

2011-03-14T04:27:00.000-07:00

(I wanted to share this letter with you -- the author has given me permission -- because I wanted to share other widow experiences on this site too. Since I'm quite more than 10 years out as a widow, I thought it would be good to share letters from widows who are closer to their initial grief. Thanks)

I was having a really bad day and find it hard to speak to people about how I truly feel so I Googled 'young widow blogs' and came across your sight. I read a few blogs and I cried and cried, because for the first time in almost 4 weeks I have found someone who makes sense to me.

My late husband and I had been together since 2004...we were friends for years prior but never took it to the next level until then. Shortly after we got together I became pregnant. It seemed like our worlds had fallen apart. He was living at home with his parents back in our hometown, I was living two hours away attending university and living with three other girls. I thought my life was over, but we tackled it head on. I moved home we got our first apartment together, I had the baby (a girl) finished school by distant education, worked full time and graduated with my degree.

Our life was starting to come together and we had gotten through what I though was going to be our biggest challenge. We had a lot of good times and a lot of trying times, but after 2.5 years we got engaged and bought our first house. Life was good, but to me it was never good enough. I always wanted more, bigger house, better paying job. Life was a party and it seems now looking back that I took advantage of our precious time together.

We got married in 2008. We had a beautiful wedding with over 300 guests. He wanted to expand our family right away, but I was more interested in stabilizing my career and becoming successful. We finally took our honeymoon in 2010 in Jamaica with other people. It was WONDERFUL.

We got back and I found out of was pregnant, but I was so mad. I hadn't wanted to start a family that quickly, I had a wedding, weight to loose etc. but then, what I thought was yet again another bad move, turned into a HUGE blessing.

In 2010 he was diagnosed with an aggressive form of Leukemia. He literally was golfing one day and in the hospital getting the most devastating news of our lives three days later. From there our last journey began.

He went through a strong cycle of chemo, which he flew through. The doctors were amazed. I never left his side. For every round of chemo and hospital admittance I was there on my cot beside his bed. I never left, I couldn't leave. He did awesome, he would be golfing a week after he'd be out of hospital and everyday in between rounds.

In September he underwent what we thought would be the cure, a stem cell transplant. Once again he did amazing, astonishing the doctors. Everyone thought we had this beat. Our friends and family were great and extremely kind and supportive. Although everyone was hopeful and optimistic, for some reason I had a feeling that it wasn't it. I hoped and prayed every single day and every moment in between that he would get better. We had another little girl on the way and an older daughter who absolutely adored her daddy. How could god take him?

On Oct 26th our world came crashing down again. He had relapsed and treatment at this point was difficult as his body was already so weak from the transplant. Doctors were not hopeful and tried a few things and nothing was working.

He was admitted to the hospital and as a last resort they started him on a low dose maintenance chemo in hopes to control the disease and bring him back into remission. Then, they would do a second transplant to wake up his new cells and get them working in full force to overpower the disease and cure him. Prognosis was poor and successful outcomes were slim due to his type of illness, but it was our only hope.

It looked like the chemo was doing something and it may have been working, but they had a meeting with us and asked him was his short term goal was. He said it was to see the baby born. They didn't foresee the chemo working long term and thought that two weeks was all he had left. So that week, at 38 weeks, I was induced and we had our baby girl here. She was/is perfect. He was so proud, he couldn't be there for most of my labor but came in when I was ready to push and together we brought into this world another beautiful baby.

We continued with the weekly maintenance chemo and, in the mean time, I searched for an alternative. I found a trial going on and contacted the doctors to see if he could join. It looked like this was the miracle drug that was going to get us to the point to be able to do the second transplant. They told me to hang tight that the trial was on it's way within a few weeks. In the meantime, miraculously, the chemo was managing the leukemia enough to keep him alive even though every week, he got weaker and weaker. He fought on and enjoyed time with his new little baby and other princess. We waited for this drug and knew that this was it, this drug was going to be the miracle so many were praying for.

Finally we were off to get our prayers answered. He started the drug in November and was sent home to wait. We were to get his blood tested to see if the drug was working but that morning he took ill. We brought him to the hospital and found out he had an infection in his blood and within four hrs he was gone. His body had had enough and he left me.

We did get some blood results and it looked like the trial drug was working. I whispered in his ear to hold on and told him that the drug was working so he had to fight a little bit longer. I really thought he was going to pull through. Before he went unconscious he looked at me and said "I love you"... and then that was it... he started failing and failing fast.

So that was it, all my hard work had failed because I couldn't save my husband. He was so scared in that hospital and I couldn't save him. I keep picturing them doing CPR all I could do was squeeze his foot and hope that he wouldn't give up. I can't believe he gave up. He promised me he would never leave, and that he would beat this. At 29, he's gone and NEVER coming back.

I didn't know how I was going to tell our 5 year old, I just cried in my dads arms, crying and crying and wondering how I was going to tell her. I failed our family... I should of pushed to go to the states to start the drug back November when I initially came across the drug. I knew that waiting was deadly because this disease has no mercy and every day could of been his last.

I hate hearing now that I was amazing throughout his illness and that they don't know how I did it being pregnant and all, but I did and I would do it all again if he could just come back. I know that my pain is selfish because he would of suffered longer and most definitely had long term health issues that would of prevented him from living the life he wanted, but sometimes I don't care I just wish he was still here lying in our bed.

I'm mad because now I have 2 girls to raise alone. I am ever so grateful that I have 2 kids and that for some reason I got pregnant when I did. I have the 2 most beautiful girls and I wouldn't change that for anything.

It makes me mad to hear people say how much they admire me for what I did and what I went through, because I feel like what I did was minimal compared to the battle he fought. He didn't want to die... he was so scared to die.

I miss him so much, I still find it hard to believe, I'm mad because everyone else gets to go home and be with someone and I get to stay here and be alone. I know I'm not alone because of the girls, but I am in my heart. I no longer have the person to lean on, and cuddle with, to yell at, to cry with, to just be with. I am alone, and it really, really sucks. The worst part is, is that there is nothing I can do about it.

So when I read your December 21st blog and just cried, because that is exactly it and for the first time I felt comfort that someone else knows how I feel. I'm sad that that brings comfort to me, because that means someone is hurting like I am, but it really does feel good.

So I just wanted to thank you, because for today, you've helped me to get through this moment and on to the next.

UK Followers, can anyone help?

2011-03-13T16:41:00.000-07:00

I received this note and couldn't help. Can any of you?

I am male and not young (59) so you may consider this as a fraudulent message. However I lost my partner who was 53 five months ago to a brain hemorrhage and have decided it may well be a good idea to chat with people who have suffered the same or similar type of loss. Could you recommend any web sites or chat rooms in the UK which may be suitable.

The Crazy Red Haired Lady

2010-12-29T17:58:00.000-08:00

There are some days I just don't feel like I can be of help to other young widows and widowers anymore. I'm not in that same raw emotion from the first few years. Of course, if I think about Jeff long enough (okay, really only a few minutes) or I'm so overtired that the emotions just pour out of me, I'm back to square one even after all this time. Then there are other days I wonder how I've gotten here...ten years later...without losing it completely. There are days that I hate the situation I'm in and days I'm glad I'm so far along.

So to balance how I feel, I try to give you the resources of others who have also started to help other widows and widowers because they know that you might be young, but you're not alone. I'm still here...I'm still going...I'm still trying to help, but I'm not the only one. Check out this site too because you may relate to stuff that she's saying as well:

http://crazyredhairedlady.blogspot.com/

Getting through the holidays...

2010-12-27T16:34:00.001-08:00

I know I'm a little late and I'm sorry, but my mom broke a rib and it's been a little crazy. I hope everyone got through the holiday okay. If you still need some help through the upcoming New Year's Eve holiday, here's a link with some good suggestions for you:

http://www.genconnect.com/relationships/how-to-cope-with-the-holidays-when-grieving/.

Remember, you may be young, but you're not alone.

How do I get through it?

2010-12-21T04:21:00.001-08:00

Been receiving a lot of letters lately and am trying to get through them, but someone asked me, 'how do i get through it?' She lost her husband 3 weeks ago and has two young children, 2 years old and 5 months old. Here is my response to her:

I'm so sorry for your loss. and yes, it is three 'short' weeks ago. How do you do all of this...one day at a time. It's cliche but it's true. You get up for your kids and show them that life goes on. You show them that you hurt and that you get better, you show them that you fall apart and cry and then you know how to pull yourself together and do what needs to be done.

You show them how to make daddy proud.
You show them that no matter what's happened in your life you never use it as an excuse to do something bad or give up.
You show them how to survive adversity.
You show them emotions and you show them how to grieve and then you show them how to laugh and through them you get through it.
If you see a couple, you might be jealous/angry/grieving and it's normal. How do you go to the store by yourself? You take a big deep breath and go in or, if you have home delivery, you take advantage of that and go in another day.
How do you celebrate your daughter's first Christmas? It's very tough, but you give her something special. i'm sorry to say that 'she' won't remember this, but you will. Give her something special -- a framed photo of her dad or something
You ask for help and say thanks and then, when you need to, you lock the door and spend time with your children alone and you giggle and laugh because they're babies and that's what they do.
How do you get through this? With your husband's love and guidance from above, it's there.
And you know you can do it, but it's one step at a time and you do it for them and you be the best mommy you can be. And you'll do great. And it will hurt and suck and you'll hurt later on special occasions and then on other special occasions you'll be okay.
You get through this...one day at a time...with or without friends, with or without family...because you have to.

From the widow in Uganda

2010-10-14T07:39:00.000-07:00

She has asked me to post her email address in case any other widows want to write to her and offer some support and advice. It is dorothymulungi(at)yahoo.com. Please take out the (at) and replace it with @.

New Book Redefines Concept Of Death and Offers 21 universal lessons for the living

2010-10-12T11:29:00.000-07:00

I was sent information on this book. If you believe in this, it might be worth checking out.

Death is not the end of life but rather a transition from one phase of existence to the next; it is -- literally -- just the beginning. When Pam Adams' husband and soul mate, Raymond, was brutally murdered, she learned firsthand how very real 'life and after death' is. She reunited with her lost love through communications from beyond the grave. Her book Letters from Raymond is a heartwarming story about love between two soul mates that transcends the physical world. In it, Adams shares her story of triumph over tragedy and also offers readers 21 empowering lessons by which to live—shared directly from those in ‘transition.’

Adams—who established Raybert Lodge in 1999, a spiritual retreat in South Africa for bereavement and healing—was able to communicate with Raymond through a psychic medium to help readers make sense of life on earth. Letters From Raymond provides comfort to those who fear death and those who mourn the loss of loved ones. The book’s 21 life lessons—gleaned from Raymond’s after-life experiences—focus on love, compassion, and acceptance as being our true salvation.

Letters From Raymond is now available for purchase at www.authorhouse.co.uk, Amazon.com, and other online booksellers.

EXCERPT (Page 15-16)

I wanted to remember that beautiful smile when he had left me just a few hours ago. Oh my God! How could they have done this to him? This beautiful man who was kindness itself, had so much to give!! He had finally found the happiness that he deserved. We were so happy and totally in love. Our life together had only just begun, how could he leave me now? We had been looking at properties to build our own home. What about all our plans? What about the promise of this beautiful life that we were to share together?

The organ played softly as family, colleagues and friends waited outside of the church. I took my place in the front pew as the pallbearers carried in his coffin
and placed it reverently in front of me. I looked at it and wanted to rip it open! How could Ray be in there? He was so full of life and so real to me still. There was no way I could survive without this man! He was my life and my soul. How would I survive without those constant hugs? Those re-assurances of his total love and devotion! The service began as we stood up to sing a hymn. I had written a letter to be read in Ray’s memory. Brian Lister who conducted the service gently opened the letter and began to read:

“There was never any need to have said goodbye as each day was filled with so much love and tenderness. I could go to sleep at night feeling so fulfilled, happy
in the knowledge that everything that needed to be done, had been done, everything that needed to be said, had been said. Our life together was so complete and the love that we shared was so deep, there were no words that could possibly describe it. I was so privileged to have had the time with Ray and so honoured to have been his wife.”

A widow from Uganda

2010-10-11T10:16:00.001-07:00

I recently got this letter from *Ann, a 37-years-old widow from Uganda. I wanted to share it to show you that people all over the world are going through what we go through. Some are even going through worse than others. (*I changed her name and took out some personal details she gave me. Oh and this is not one of those spam letters asking me for money, btw.)

"I was so excited to see that there is a site like this one. I asked myself if I was the only person going through what I am going through.

I am a woman who lost my husband and father of my children to HIV/Aids when I was 22 years in 1995. He left me with 2 daughters plus his one daughter whom l found him with and to make matters worse, for this girl, l did not know her mother. The mother had already died and l didn’t even know her aunties, so l had to accept her in my life. But my dear it has not been easy at all. Getting the funds to take my children to school, paying for our accommodations, buying food and the whole up-keep has not been easy at all.

And to make matters worse, because my husband died of HIV, I was discriminated by my own people and the public because during those days, whoever lost a partner to HIV, it was automatic that he/she is also going to flow. So they knew that I was going to die any time, getting a partner was impossible. Last year I tried putting up an advert in our local newspapers here, searching for a gentleman of the same status so that we could start up our own new life, but one of the correspondents was a conman who seduced me to get a salary loan and he took all the money from me without me knowing that he was stealing it, so I was so disappointed to see that one could take advantage of my situation/problem to benefit himself and his family. Can you imagine! How bad people can be!

We, the Africans, are very unfortunate that everyone is on his or her own and, mind you, when you lose a partner, even the friends who used to associate with you run away. I wish we had such associations this way. It could help us a lot to regain our identities.

It’s now 15 years down the road,but I completely lost my identity, people don’t even invite me for social functions like parties. It's like they are blaming me for my husband’s death. Am really so lonely..having no one to share with my experience and challenges...am in a completely different world because they don't know what am going through.

I thank God that am currently on ARVs with the other girl that my husband left me with (because she was also born with the virus) and at least we have some hope of waiting to see what will be in tomorrow.

But please keep that spirit up because there are so many people out there who need your services. During that time when the conman had just conned me, I felt like leaving this world for a while then I come back when the storm is over, but where could that be and where could I leave my children and with who. But I thank God that He has brought me this far and I wish I had seen this site then, it would have worked a lot to heal my heart."

Like I said when I started this site, "You might be young, but you're 'not' alone."

Mail Call!

2010-10-09T07:14:00.000-07:00

I do get a lot of these types of emails:

I goggled your website, I have a thought. I have been divorced for 5 years and have dated for 4 years, with no luck. All the women in their 40's I've met have had bad marriages and nasty divorces. All these women have issues with men and have low self worth. I've had 25 dates with no luck. I thought if I date a widower who had a nice marriage and their husband passed by natural causes or other fates of nature. The Wife mourns for years, but time heals and they are nice people with no abuse from a husband and filing for nasty divorce. Like the women out there in their 40s. Do you match up divorced with widowers?

Um, no. I started a website one time because of the request from my readers, but unfortunately it didn't quite work the way I wanted it too. Maybe one day I'll try again, but if you're writing me on this site to match you up, save your email.

A widower's story

2010-10-08T07:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Lisa,

"I just lost my wife in August at the age of 48. I think that it has just started hitting me the last couple of days that she is gone and not coming back. Today is a very hard day for me, and I feel like someone is standing on my chest, and I also feel very anxious. It comes and goes in waves, and it is awful.

She suffered a major heart attack in our home. She had been complaining of a sore back for the last six weeks or so, and finally went to the doctor a week prior to her heart attack because of the pain.

There was massive damage and she would have been left in a vegetative state. We all knew that she would have hated that, she always made that very clear, and decided we should take her off of life support.

I found one internet site and have a grief counselor Sand she gave me some information and provided me with a book on grief "I Can't Stop Crying" by John D. Martin and Frank D. Ferris MD. It helped a little when I first read it, maybe I need to read it again.

I really miss her, and I do not how to deal with this. I am not sleeping or eating properly, and I have a hard time trying to force myself to eat at this point. I know that I have to take better care of myself, but I am finding it so difficult right now. I am just so damn sad. How do people get through this?"

Well, we get through it the way you're getting through it right now, we find a counselor, read materials, get online, reach out, not eat, cry too much, eat a little, cry some more, see another counselor, and repeat the process until one day we start feeling just a little better and realize we didn't cry quite as much that day. Keep doing what you're doing. It's early in the process and you're getting there. Don't give up.

A new resource

2010-10-07T03:55:00.000-07:00

Came across this site and thought it might be helpful to some of you. She has some books, articles and other info...

http://www.lngerst.com/

A good article about grief and rituals

2010-09-14T10:02:00.001-07:00

http://www.shine.yahoo.com/channel/life/the-way-we-grieve-now-2389801/

A great book...

2010-09-03T19:45:00.000-07:00

"This is a journal about what happened to us…. One night, Dad just died and that was that." Twins Allie and Amy were eight years old and their brother David was four when their beloved father died in his sleep. Encouraged and guided by their mother, the three children kept a journal for almost two years. They wrote about the night he died, the funeral, the first week, the first year, the cemetery, their thoughts and feelings, their sadness and grief—and the future. Later, they looked back on what they had written and added new reflections. They also wrote suggestions for other kids who have experienced a similar loss. We were all deeply moved when we read this book. You will be, too. And, like us, you’ll be amazed at the strength and wisdom of Amy, Allie, and David—real children whose lives were abruptly and forever changed, and who chose to share their pain and learning with others. Recommended for anyone who has lost a loved one or knows someone who has.

Check your local library or buy your copy on Amazon.com.

A month of books

2010-07-25T18:51:00.001-07:00

I was cleaning out my family room today and I have lots of books on grief and single parenting that I received and bought after I started this blog. I wanted to take a few weeks to pass on a few that I think are really worthwhile for you to read. I have not looked into whether or not they are still available for sale. If they aren't on Amazon or other book sites, check your local libraries or ebay if you're interested in buying them.

Today, I picked two that could help kids:

Both books are fantastic and really helped me to work through the grief with my children, who were 6, 4 and 2 at the time. "When Someone Very Special Dies" is perfect for all ages, but especially good for those children who are younger and may not be able to articulate their feelings. There are spaces for them to draw. "Helping Children Cope with the Loss of a Loved One," breaks down what to say to a child during their grief depending on how old they are.

A month filled with emotion

2010-06-13T13:10:00.000-07:00

Our oldest graduates from high school in two weeks, prom was Friday. My son goes off to camp that he was accepted to and he now has a girlfriend and a job. Oldest leaves for college soon. Youngest is now a teenager. And me, I'm having moments. Don'tcha hate 'moments?' They come out of nowhere. You could be looking at a box of chocolate...or watch a scene in a movie...or even pay a bill ... and fall apart. Tonight I watched my kids eat dinner and it was like they were little again. And I had a moment. 10 years later and I 'still' have moments. It's okay. It reminds me of the love I had in my life. And reminds me of what I've accomplished.

I'm very often asked how I do what I do. One second, hour, day, month and year at a time. You can't go any faster than that. And you hold on. It's a bumpy ride. But you get through it. We all do.

For those facing a huge event this year -- or any year -- and facing grief at the same time, hang on and remember that you'll get through it. if it's a graduation, let your child know how your spouse would have felt. It's okay to bring them into the day. I know that Jeff would be so proud Nicole and I told her that.

The good, the bad and the ugly about grief and the Internet

2010-05-28T03:33:00.000-07:00

This popped into my mailbox this morning. It's the blog for the Hospice Foundation and they are talking a report where Facebook and other internet sources have been shown to be good for grief. The workshop however, seems to also address the bad, and there is bad out there. It's really important to make a careful decision on where you choose to post your grief and what you say. When you're early in your grief you might not even realize the information you're giving out. I've had nothing but positive experiences on the grief sites online, but Facebook wasn't a part of my grief when Jeff first died.

We're all doing well here, although slightly blubbery with my daughter's high school graduation upon us. Jeff should be here to see this. Yes, I know he's "here" in spirit (and I tell everyone that), but there are some days more than others that you want proof he sees it and you want him physically here. I know how proud he is of her and so am I.

A story of a military widow

2010-05-14T11:10:00.000-07:00

A CONVERSATION WITH TARYN DAVIS

Taryn Davis represents a new generation of young war widows. Her husband, Army Cpl. Michael W. Davis, was killed in action by a roadside bomb in Baghdad Iraq on May 21, 2007. Taryn’s story will be featured in this year’s NATIONAL MEMORIAL DAY CONCERT which airs on PBS Sunday, May 30, 2010 from 8:00 to 9:30 p.m. ET (check local listings).

Q: How did your life change when you learned that you had become a military widow?

TARYN DAVIS: It changed my life in ways that I really could have never foreseen. It was eleven thirty at night when two men walked up to me on my patio and notified me that my husband, Corporal Michael Davis, wasn’t coming home. I had that Johnny Cash/June Carter ideal about our love so I thought I was going to die as soon as I heard them say Michael’s name; it was surreal. Within 24 hours, I was sitting in my living room picking out an urn for his ashes, writing his eulogy and obituary. I think that there was stigma and a connotation when you hear the word “widow,” you think of an old woman knitting in black. You certainly don’t think of a 21-year-old who is attending college. I googled “widow” and the response was, ‘do you mean “window”?’ That’s when it hit me that this was a title that not a lot of people spoke about and that more people needed to learn about. I went online and one evening, about two months after Michael was killed, I introduced myself in a chat room. I didn’t get much response except for one email from a 60-something Vietnam widow. I knew she’d lost her husband, but that was forty years ago so I wondered what she could tell me.

Q: You’re referring to Glenda Carter, a Vietnam War widow whose story will also be featured in the NATIONAL MEMORIAL DAY CONCERT. Though separated by many years, what common bonds do you share with Glenda and what have you learned from her experience?

DAVIS: Glenda was 19 when she lost her husband. She went back to work and burned every letter she ever wrote to her husband in the hopes that it would take away the silent pain that she was holding inside of herself. But when she emailed me, she said something that really resonated. She said, “Taryn, you have to be able to talk about what’s happened to you and to Michael. You need to be able to put a face and a voice to your generation. You can’t be scared of what people will think by sharing Michael’s demise and where your life is now.” I had come to that little Y in the road where everybody was telling me what I needed to do with my life. I was so weak and just wanted to feel normal again. Luckily, through Glenda and the other widows I’ve met, I chose to follow my heart. It’s made all the difference. Glenda has taught me a lot about her generation and how even though it was more difficult since they weren’t able to talk about their husbands’ sacrifices or their lives as military widows, they definitely have paved the way for our generation. We’re trying to do the same thing that Glenda and her generation did and that’s to make it a little bit easier for those to come.

Q: What’s different about being a widow in the 21st first century than those who lost loved ones in previous wars?

DAVIS: The big difference is that as a military wife now, we have a whole new form of communication. Back in Vietnam, you’d write a letter and you’d get one back maybe once a month. Our communication has taken leaps and strides since then. We have the ability to talk to each other almost on a daily basis using instant messaging, Skype, web cam and social networks like Face book and My Space.

Q: Your story will be featured as part of the NATIONAL MEMORIAL DAY CONCERT on PBS this year. What do you hope that other young widows or those who have lost loved ones will take away from hearing your story?

DAVIS: I hope that they take away a sense of empowerment. Even to this day, I meet widows who say that they hate that word “widow.” But from the get-go, I’ve thought of that title as signifying not only our husband’s sacrifice but it also symbolizes our survival and will to carry on with our lives. In addition, I think it represents our husband’s legacies and how we let them live through our actions as we move forward. When I was lying on the couch after Michael died, I wasn’t the person that Michael fell in love with. I was letting the grief and bereavement take over.

Someone recently asked me if I like that people think “widow” when they think of me. I said that I couldn’t think of a more proud thing to be because when I go to a restaurant with a widow friend, we’re probably the ones smiling the most, laughing the most and enjoying life the most because we do understand the sacrifices that are made to enjoy that life.

Q: After you lost Michael, you traveled the country and found other young women who had experienced a similar loss to yours. What impact did that journey have on your life?

DAVIS: I started filming a documentary four months after Michael was killed. The first woman I interviewed was a widow whose husband was actually sitting behind Michael and was killed with him. When I called her I said, ‘I don’t know you but I want to come to Georgia and ask you all the questions that people stopped asking me.’ I wanted to know how she fell in love with her husband, what it was like when she found out he was getting deployed, and when she was notified that her husband had been killed. I wanted to know how she told her son and what she’s doing with her life now to pick up the pieces. Then I told her I wanted to share the video with other widows. I also wondered how I was going to find other women who’d be willing to share their stories but, luckily I found five other widows willing to be interviewed. Through my organization, the American Widow Project, we’ve reached out to more than 400 widows so far. But from this current conflict in Iraq and Afghanistan, there are about 2,500 widows. Through each conversation, I’ve found out more about my grief and pain. But there’s also commonality between each one of us because even though we have different stories, we all loved someone in the military whose life was taken abruptly.

Q: You’ve described this connection with other widows that you’ve met as being like a “band of sisters.” How have some of these friendships helped you?

DAVIS: When I made those connections with these widows, it helped me feel normal. When you’re with them, you don’t have to sugar-coat things or feel obligated to have to leave your husband’s name out of a sentence because you know it makes people feel awkward. You are free to be yourself and it’s very liberating. Even when you’re not around the other widows, you feel more empowered to say to the world, ‘I’m a military widow and I’m surviving. Life can be good. Just because my husband was killed in a really horrible way, that doesn’t define his life. He was so much more than a man in a uniform.’ I hope to be a living example of what Michael instilled in me. I don’t know what my life would be if I didn’t talk to a widow every day. I’m so grateful that they’re in my life. They’ve taught me that love is eternal and that life can be amazing.

Q: You started a nonprofit called the American Widow Project as a result of your experiences. What kind of impact do you think this organization has had so far and what do you hope to accomplish in the future?

DAVIS: Beyond the documentary, I knew I needed to have another portal for widows to share their stories and for others to heal from those stories. That’s when I decided to start the American Widow Project. I like to say that we’re “structurally unstructured” because each of these widows has helped pour a symbolic slab to build an amazing house where other women can go and feel normal. We don’t have seminars and it’s not a classroom setting. I realized early on that the only way I could survive was if I learned how to live again and I knew I couldn’t learn how to live again sitting at a table. I wanted to go out and feel the wind against my face and laugh and smile and not feel bad about it because if I paused for a moment I would look around and see twelve to fifteen other widows doing the same thing. That’s really what the organization has become through the website, our events, and our outreach. The widows involved in this project are more amazing than I could have ever fathomed.

Fifty years from now if I’m not here, I hope the American Widow Project will still be here and that people will think of it as an organization that isn’t going to tell you how to grieve or how to cry. It’s going to tell you how to live and help you understand that it’s hard to balance carrying a huge legacy of your husband while also trying to learn how to get up every morning and breathe.

If there’s a military widow out there who hears this story, I hope she knows that she’s not alone. I felt alone for four months, my best friend felt alone for two years and I just met a widow who didn’t meet another widow her age for five years!

At one of our events, a widow put it perfectly when she said, “I don’t feel like I came here and made twelve friends. I feel like I made 24 friends because I feel like I know your husbands as well.”

Not quite sure what to say....

2010-03-29T05:58:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged since November and many of you who follow me have wondered what happened. First off, I'm okay and thanks for caring.

Second, I'm not quite sure why I stopped blogging. I think part of me wondered if I really was helping anyone. Jeff has been gone for 10 years and I know I can still help others in my situation with advice and comfort, but I wondered if I really said all I could say. I will admit that the 10 year anniversary knocked the wind out of me. I don't date a lot and have no desire to remarry, but I'm happy with the dates I go on and what I've done with my life. Yet, I felt stuck and alone for the first time in a long time. I worked through it and realized that it was okay for me to feel that way and I took baby steps to get back on track.

I still get letters from widows/widowers and I still find people who want to friend me on Facebook (I'm going to start a page for widows/widowers soon so you can all connect with each other instead of just with me). I've tried answering so many, but it's hard to keep up and with three teenagers in the house now, I've had to prioritize my time. If you're reading this and I haven't answered you yet, it's not because I don't care. I simply get so many letters and trying to answer them all can, sadly, become a full-time job at times.

Third, my own personal life got pretty chaotic. My oldest daughter, who many of you remember as only being six years old when Jeff died, is going off to college in August -- COLLEGE! We spent most of the fall and winter filling out college and scholarship applications, dealing with SATs, and me working my butt off on a few new books I have coming out so I could pay for it all. My son plays in five (count 'em) bands in and after school and my oldest is working now, so I think I have a new part-time job as a taxi driver.

I'm doing my best to figure this all out. I almost stopped for good, but I felt that wasn't fair to me or to you. I'm also trying to figure out what I could do differently to make this blog important to everyone. Please be patient with me. In the meantime, CNN ran an article today about finding others who are grieving (not necessarily just widows/widowers) online. You might find a new site that can help you:

http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/03/26/grieving.online/index.html?hpt=Sbin

If you're interested in friending me on Facebook, please do so and most importantly let me know you're one of the widows/widowers from this blog, but I won't respond until I have that group set up and all of you can talk to each other. I'm also thinking of getting back to the dating site I once set up for widows/widowers. If you're interested in either, let me know. As for the cruise I talked about some time ago, I am still considering it. It's taken time for me to look into it and get it organized and time has been a precious commodity to me right now. Again, I'll be in touch about that. And thank you all for being so awesome on this journey.

Camp Widow

2009-09-10T06:05:00.000-07:00

Got this in my email. I know nothing of it personally, but it sounds interesting. If you go, let me know! (Sorry I haven't been blogging. My workload is, thankfully, doing very well and add in everything else and well, I'm lucky I've had time to sleep. LOL). I will blog about my trip back to visit my in-laws soon (I'm still close with Jeff's family).

Camp Widow 2010

August 6-8, 2010

San Diego Marriott Hotel and Marina

San Diego, California

Yes, we have a date! And we brown shirts would love to see you back in San Diego for more laughs, more great workshops, a dance floor at the banquet, a Sunday morning breakfast...and another chance to participate in the Widow Dash! Don't miss the fun, mark your calendars now!

We are taking the many things that worked, and tweeking the few things that didn't, to create a program called Camp Widow. One of you said this..."My daughter went to camp, and I did too!" Which got us to thinking about giving this weekend a name that speaks to the uplifting spirit of our gathering. YOU made this weekend amazing, and we are determined to plan an even better event next year. So tell your friends, early registration will begin November 1st. Camp Widow merchandise will be on sale at www.sslf.org

beginning October 15th...everything is really cute and please send me stories about the looks on people's faces when they read your shirt ;)

Short commercial: We will need sponsors to make this all happen, and could use help in locating them! So spread the word...Camp Widow needs you! As always, your gratefully accepted donation is tax-deductible and can be mailed to the address below. We also accept donations by Paypal at widowsbond@sbcglobal.net Any amount helps us reach our goal of raising $100,000 to fund the programs that we currently run and to expand our reach in the future. It is time for widows to have a voice, we can do this together!

Coping With Grief

2009-08-04T16:06:00.000-07:00

Wisdom From the Afterlife

While death is inevitable, pervasive grief is not. And while no amount of talking about death can ever truly prepare you for it when it happens to someone you love, it’s important to know you can cope with it when it’s through the heart.
If you buried your dreams along with a loved one, do you know how to begin building new dreams? Are you ready to wake things up again? Address your heart’s need to be healed by including bright choices in your renewed healthy life:

• While your loved one is still around you at times, they have changed. They are healed now and want you to feel them that way. To do so, ask your heart to sense them as they are now. Over time, your dreams will include increasing colors with vivid images of your loved one, healed. This is an incredible opportunity for you to awaken each morning feeling more and more healed!

• Invite your loved one to come around for family events, but don’t make a habit out of feeling that they’re there all the time to work through all that you have to do. The truth is, their life needed to move on and now so does yours. It’s not healthy to try to cling to your old life. Regard them as special and then share those special times!

• Reign in the feeling that you have to fix whatever it was that brought about your loved ones death. It’s like a team of wild horses that will take you for a ride you cannot control. Instead, join an action group of people, who like you, are determined to bring about positive changes for mankind as they push through their personal pain.

• While it’s true you can no longer see your loved one, it does not mean you can’t sense them. Imagine they’re in a distant room in your house trying to tell you something, but you have the radio on so it’s hard to hear what they’re saying. Discerning your loved one is just like that. Quiet the external noises and so much more than you think will come through.

• Ask older people how they’ve come to cope with the loss of a loved one. For while death and grief seem like taboo topics, chances are they’ll be grateful for the opportunity to share how they pushed through the pain to feel a quality of life again.

• Forgiveness is something most of us are not used to thinking about when a love one dies, but it’s a huge piece of the puzzle when dealing with profound loss. Forgiveness repairs the hole around your heart that says you can never be repaired. Forgive your loved one for whatever it was that caused their death, even if they had nothing to do with how it played out. Trust they know (all too well) that without a sense of forgiveness, you carry a burden no one should ever have to bear.

• Take a song from your childhood and give it back to your heart! When moments of pain and loss come your way – and they will come – give your heart the joy it knew as a child by singing a favorite song. Music is salve for the heart, and childhood songs have the longest lines of joy…even over songs you later shared with your loved one.

• Affirm for you and for your loved one that they were an ordinary mortal. If you make them out to be perfect it’s not a realistic picture, which keeps the bridge of communication and healing unattainable. While it may seem natural to want to make them into angels watching over us, they’re not. Stay grounded. They’ll appreciate knowing you love them for who they really were and are.

• Send a sealed envelope to God with a letter inside describing your feelings. Let God hold those for you. When you’re ready, take a small clay pot out to your garden, place your envelope in it, and then burn the envelope. See the smoke rise knowing that it’s God’s intention you not carry that burden alone any longer.

• Give yourself a healthy new start by becoming creative again. This is the most sustaining engine for the heart, as creativity has the tendency to keep moving things further and further forward with more and more of the out-flow of joy!

Be brave. Break the chains of grief. Rise up each morning knowing you are being called to a healthier, brighter life. It is possible with your permission. Are you ready?

Discerned from people in the afterlife.

Lynn Scott, spirit intuitive, public speaker and author - NOTES FROM THE OTHER SIDE www.NotesFromTheOtherSide.net

Inspired by the life of a dear friend who died tragically in 1972, Lynn’s life is dedicated to bridging the divide between the here and the hereafter.

Those of you remarrying...casting for new show!

2009-07-20T17:29:00.000-07:00

Something fun I thought I'd pass along:

Married with Children? Are you the real-life Brady Bunch? Major cable network is seeking a soon-to-be-wed (or recently wed) couple who are combining children from previous marriages to star in new reality series of your own. What makes YOUR blended family unique, unusual, or interesting? Email with story, family photo, and contact information to: Jenny at Sirens Media sirenscasting@gmail.com.

A Moment to Remember: Ten Years Ago

2009-07-07T21:03:00.000-07:00

TEN years ago, on July 8, 1999 at approximately 6:30 p.m., Jeff Brinkley -- the love of my life, my soulmate, my best friend and the most amazing daddy -- left this earth to become our angel. There isn't a day that goes by that we don't think of him. We've moved on in our lives, but we know he is always with us. Hug your husbands and wives today. Jeff Brinkley -- gone but NEVER forgotten. Miss you Bibby.

South Florida Widows

2009-06-12T19:34:00.000-07:00

Got this in the mail in case anyone is interested:

For those in the South Florida area: Meet with other local Widows,
Widowers, and all those who have lost their significant others who
also have young children. Gather for grief, sharing and healing, along
with our children.

Join with others going through the unique experience of the grief of
losing a spouse, plus the added responsibility of raising young
children and helping them through their grief as well.

From the founder: I lost my husband and the father of my two young children in November
08 and have found it extremely difficult in meeting others in my same
circumstance.

You can find our group: http://www.meetup.com/Widows-ers-With-Children-at-Home/

Guest blogger: Lauren Miller

2009-06-05T07:05:00.000-07:00

Stress Relief in the midst of Grief:

By Lauren Miller

When trauma of any kind enters into our lives our bodies actually freeze…our breathing becomes shallow, our left brain stops communicating with the right brain and we experience a “deer in the head lights” response to life…we feel disconnected and unsafe. In the midst of this experience, we often encounter waves of overwhelming emotion that paralyze us in our ability to cope with every day activities. We find ourselves caught in the moment of when the traumatic experience took place. We actually take a holograph picture of the scene of trauma and it becomes frozen within us…we continually replay it over and over and over again. As time moves on, we continue to stay “stuck” in that “holographic image” so much so that if a trauma occurs in childhood when it is triggered in life by events, situations and people, it is as if it just happened. These images or “holographs” exist out of time…they are present to us even if many years have passed.

So what can we do when we find ourselves in this state of paralysis in life due to intense grief or trauma? Before answering that question, it is important to mention that the energy system that moves throughout our body actually becomes disconnected or frozen along with the negative emotions that surround grief and trauma resulting in that feeling of overwhelm and emotional paralysis. A good visual for that is when you are watching TV and all of the sudden there is a dis-connect with the cable and gray and black specks instantly replace the clear picture. It is an internal “ZZZZT” that results in feelings of being “stuck” in the grief or sadness. The good news is that what becomes disconnected can be reconnected.

How? EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique: Founder Gary Craig) is one method that often times works instantly to help reconnect us to who we are before the pain hit. It is a way to move through the pain instead of being emotionally paralyze by it. It utilizes the same meridian system (energy points in the body) as acupuncture and focuses on 9 main energy points. Our fingertips are used instead of needles. It enables the energy within our body to continue to move in spite of trauma therefore empowering us to connect to inner peace, love, acceptance and healing.

The way it works: tap with your fingertips on the points (one point at a time) while tuning into your emotional issue. The points: Set up statement: begin at the soft part of our hand…the outer part from below the pinky down to the wrist bone. Tap with the other four fingers from the other hand as you tune in and verbalize your situation. Here is an example that can be used as your set-up statement while you tap on the side of your hand: Even though I am feeling overwhelming sadness and grief over the loss of my friend right now I am willing to love and accept myself just as I am and I choose peace and calm within my body. We say this set up statement 3x while tapping on the side of our hand then we move to the other points as we say a reminder phrase this is referred to as a “round” (move to the next point each time you say the reminder phrase): Intense grief (tap with fingertips at the beginning part of the eyebrow closest to the nose); Intense grief (move to the next spot on the outside of the eye on the eye socket bone by the temple area) ; Intense grief (under the eye on the top of the cheek bone); Intense grief (under the nose); Intense grief (under the lip); Intense grief (on the collar bone to one side of the little V at the bottom of the neck); Intense grief (I always add the “liver point” because we store a lot of our grief in this area: 3 inches down from the nipple on the right side, use several fingers to tap on this area); Intense grief (use fingertips to tap under the arm around 2-3 inches under the arm pit…the bra strap line for women), Intense grief (we finish a “round” by tapping on the top of our head). Check in with yourself as you are working through your emotion: How do I feel on a scale from 0-10 (0=no emotional charge around the issue, 10=high emotional charge) many times the emotional charge will go up before it goes down. Continue to tap on it until you have reached a 0…this may take time and patience…persistence is very important when moving through any high emotional feeling within the body. Keeping the “flow” of energy going enables us to reframe the situation along with strengthening our connection to safety, self love and acceptance in the midst of it. Love and self acceptance are essential ingredients that enable us to experience a sense of safety and connection in spite of pain and suffering. I will always end on a positive “round” of tapping. Tapping on all the points as I state my desired inner feeling and intention (The Choices Method: Dr. Pat Carrington developed this addition to EFT) I choose to feel peace and calm within, I am willing to love and accept all that I am just as I am; I give my body permission to heal and restore; I choose to remember who I am in the midst of everything; I am willing to discover , connect, love and accept me just as I am; I am willing to allow myself time to heal and restore; I release all judgment and expectations from my life experience; I am willing to feel safe with all of my feelings and emotions; I am willing to believe that I can handle anything; I choose to remember a time in my life when I moved through a storm in life; I am alive, capable and connected to God. As with any 12 step program, it is essential to express “ruthless honesty” . When we align ourselves with our truth without judgment, we unleash within us the ability to move through hardship and connect to love and the experience of inner healing.

EFT is one of many techniques that I share with my clients to help them take back their ability to heal. Two other practices that are helpful when frozen by the pain: stay present to the moment…God is present, therefore we gain our greatest strength within when we remain acutely aware of each present moment…our internal pain flows from the past (grief, regrets, judgments) and the future (fears, doubts, worries, “what ifs”). Stay present, breathe deeply and focus on what you do have in the present moment (sometimes it is the gift of our heart beating, our lungs breathing, a bird singing, a flower blooming). The energy of gratitude is full of healing and restoration on all levels. The last practice I will mention today is that of giving ourselves permission to feel without any judgment. This is the portal through which we learn how to be real in life. We all carry different inner rules and regulations of what is appropriate and what is inappropriate….just be and remove all judgment or “shoulds” and “need tos” from your experience with grief. If you want to cry for days…then cry for days, weeks along with the confidence that we, as human beings, can handle anything when we return to our inner connection with love and acceptance of all that we are, just as we are, as connected to divine love. I have to add that an outlet for anger is essential (part of giving ourselves permission to be real). As a second degree black belt I realize the importance of physical release during trauma. Get a punching bag, a pool noodle and beat the bed…always returning an inner connection with love and acceptance. The tapping is an incredible tool to help accomplish this experience.

Please visit my website: www.laurenemiller.com for more ideas and information. My book Hearing His Whisper…A Journey through Cancer and Divorce speaks to my personal transformation through pain and loss. My second book: “Mantras for the Mastectomies of Life” contains many universal stress relief practices used throughout history to empower individuals in the ways of love and inner peace, along with 121 mantras that I have used throughout my journey (my second book is coming soon).

A Cruise?

2009-05-18T10:07:00.000-07:00

I'm "considering" putting together a cruise for widows/widowers either late this year or early next year and I'd love to know if there's interest out there. Please email me at lisawriter@msn.com and let me know if you would be interested. Thanks!

Heaven Needed a Hero

2009-04-17T06:35:00.000-07:00

Nobody has touched me with her music as much as Jo Dee Messina. She's one of the main reasons I got through my husband's death. Her music makes me laugh, cry and just plain have fun (have you heard Biker Chick!) Songs like this just stick with me. Thanks Jo Dee!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aYsKsSJr_UM&feature=related

Being a widow is tough all around the world...

2009-03-07T14:21:00.000-08:00

We're not the only ones, although we have it a little better than those widows in Iraq.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/meast/03/07/iraq.women/index.html

Lisa

American Idol

2009-02-27T05:08:00.000-08:00

I've been insanely busy with a book deadline, but I don't miss an episode of American Idol. So, what does this have to do with being a widow/widower? Well, it seems that this season is barely underway and the Internet is abuzz. It's partly about some of the contestants and their talent, such as Adam Lambert, who has such amazing range and stage presence (and eyes, LOL) that he's going to be hard to beat.

But another contestant is getting Internet buzz for two reasons. His name is Danny Gokey. Now if you know American Idol, you know the first few weeks are bad and good auditions and sob stories. They pull you in, get you to sympathize with the homeless teen or the man who is looking after his mother who has cancer. These stories really don't bother me; some people think they should just stick to the competition (honestly, if you're really bothered by hearing these stories, you're taking this show waaaay to seriously). Since I write about celebrity-do-gooders, it's nice to see the human side of people who, for at least some of them, are going to be the next big thing. I hope they use those personal stories to do something good after they've made it big (think Elliott Yamin and his diabetes story -- he now works with on behalf of diabetes charities).

Now Danny Gokey's story, which has been highlighted by AI repeatedly: Danny, who looks like Robert Downey Jr (I am NOT complaining because I happen to think that RDJ is one of the sexiest men in movies ever) is a young widower. He is 28 years old and lost his wife only four weeks before his audition. His friend convinced him to get out of the house and go to the audition -- Gokey made it through and made the top 24 last week. The buzz? People on the Internet are 'sick' of hearing about his wife. They claim he is using it to gain votes. A shot to his friend in the audience shows a picture of his wife and he is interviewed and asked about it all the time. The Internet audience -- bloggers, fans, etc. -- want him to stop and 'move on.'

In an interview, Danny said, 'this is a sob story i don't want,' and says he says that it's only been seven months and it's part of who he is. He didn't want to get out of bed until this. We can all identify with him. He had the courage and the strength to go to an audition and achieve something big, only to not have his wife on his side to celebrate with when he was told he was through. And since then, the man has been going with American Idol -- success and fame is staring him in the face and he just buried his wife a few months ago. He's dealing with a huge rollercoaster of emotions and the Internet is giving him such a hard time.

Now, everybody fell in love with Elliott Yamin's mom (and by the way, I've interviewed Elliott and he's such a sweetheart), but there was no major Internet buzz about how they keep going to her and using his story about being deaf in one ear to get votes. Yet Danny is hearing this to the point where he already had to be interviewed about it and has this weighing over his head in addition to trying to audition week after week. He has agreed he wants people to vote for him for his talent -- and he's VERY talented -- and not his story. But I totally agree with him that this is who he is right now. He's had to adjust to a new life, cope with new feelings of grief and pain, audition for something he's never done before, be interviewed by reporters about the whole thing and find out that people on the Internet are writing nasty things about him. Lots to cope with and I think he's doing it with class.

Remember how we were seven months or even four weeks after our spouse died? If it wasnt for my kids, I also wouldn't have gotten out of bed. Danny has a great friend who encouraged him to try something. Some have said, "what was he doing at an audition only four weeks later?" My, how people are still judging widows and widowers. We're damned if we do and damned if we don't. If he couldn't sing well, we wouldn't have heard a thing about him or his story or it would've ended after a bad audition. But he's being judged by people who have no idea what it's like to bury a spouse at any age, nevermind at his young age when he thought they had a whole life together.

My point is this -- I hope, for Danny's sake, that people vote for him on talent alone and that American Idol gives him a little privacy on the subject and not constantly bring it up. If he wants to mention it, he has that right, but he's already said it's a sob story he doesn't want. Would anyone? So he's doing the best he can. Let him work through it. Do I think that he's the best person in the competition. He's one of my top faves right now, along with Adam Lambert and Alison (sorry I can't remember her last name...the redheaded one). I would like to see him go far in the competition purely on his talent. And I wish people would stop being so harsh on him. I thought we've come farther than this. I guess I was wrong.

lisa

Valentine's Day

2009-02-12T08:30:00.000-08:00

Yup, another holiday to deal with. I don't know how you are, but I found the scheduled holidays to be easier to deal with. I knew they were coming. It was the unexpected stuff that got to me. Jeff and I weren't big Valentine's Day people. Yeah, he'd buy me chocolate or flowers or something, and I definitely got a card, but we didn't go out and spend tons of money on a meal. Jeff was very lovey-dovey and really showed me his love all year round.

This year, my kids and I might hit a movie or do something as a family. I'm on a major deadline so it's not going to be anything big. I laughed because my 11 year old daughter was asked to write about Valentine's Day for school and she said, "we don't really care about it." I laughed and told her I care about it, just don't make that big a deal out of it. What about people who don't have someone to love them. I'm lucky. I have three faces that will give me hugs on Saturday and a mom who does so much for me. I'm blessed. I also know that Jeff loved me so much I can feel it on those days. Nope, I'm not dating anyone special right now and that's okay. If you're in the same boat, make Saturday about someone else -- you, your children, parents, a good friend who might also be alone because they are divorced or elderly or just lonely.

I asked Loren Gelberg-Goff, LCSW, who's been in private practice for the past 20+ years in River Edge, New Jersey to offer some advice. She does individual and marriage counseling, hypnotherapy and neurofeedback, as well as workshops and seminars on relationships, communication, anger and stress management, etc. She also has audio CD’s available to enhance self-esteem, promote inner healing, and to aid in stress management and relaxation.

A great deal of her work over the years has centered on working with terminally ill individuals and their families. This is a subject that is near and dear to her heart. Here is what she suggests:

Three suggestions that I offer for coping with loss at Valentine's Day are:

1. Acknowledge your loss, and do something that honors what your relationship was. This can be writing a letter, calling a friend to talk about your relationship, lighting a candle, filling a memory box. Set aside a specific amount of time to remember and honor what was, and then go to steps #2 &/or 3.

2. Make plans with friends. Share an upbeat comedy movie night at home or out. Sharing a good time with friends reminds you that life is about our connections, both platonic and intimate, and Valentine's Day can be about friendship and connectedness on other levels than just the ones 'advertised'.

3. Do something that is loving for YOU! You might go for a massage, a manicure, a workout at the gym, or your favorite meal. Make the day about loving who you are, and honoring your being as a whole person, not just the part of you that is missing someone or something.

I do hope that these are helpful. Valentine's Day is such a hard day for anyone not in a relationship, and it causes more stress, anxiety and depression than almost any other 'holiday'.

will be back soon!

2009-02-04T14:43:00.000-08:00

Hope everybody is hanging in there. I'll be posting again shortly!

One more thing today -- urgent media request!

2009-01-18T12:43:00.001-08:00

A writer I know is looking for someone who fits this bill. If it's you, feel free to get in touch with her directly.

"I'm on the hunt for a "real people" quote for a personal finance piece I'm doing. It's a piece that describes what surviving spouses should do after the funeral with the deceased spouse's personal credit card accounts as well as any card accounts they held jointly. I need someone to give me a quote about how they got help with this and what the obstacles were. I need someone on the record with a very general quote about what it's like to go through this." -- Lisa Holton, email her at Lisa@TheLisaCompany.com.

The Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation Conference

2009-01-18T12:24:00.000-08:00

I received this in an email today. Wanted to pass it on. I won't be there, but enjoy it if you choose to go.

The Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation team is having the first EVER National Conference on Widowhood in July 2009 in San Diego, CA. They have an interesting line up of speakers who will be speaking about topics we all care about. Visit http://www.sslf.org/c_speakers.html for information on the speakers’ panel. I have been honored to be asked to be one of those speakers and I want to invite you to the conference. I would love to meet you in person.

They have partnered with the San Diego Symphony to bring us a “Musical Evening Under the Stars,” featuring the fabulous San Diego Symphony, who will be joined by a variety of musical guests. Proceeds will benefit a unique initiative in support of improving the condition of global widowhood…and your tickets to this amazing evening are included with your registration.

Professionals in need of continuing education credit can join for their Pre-Conference event scheduled for Friday, July 17th. They are welcoming Tom Golden LCSW, Dr. Michele Reiss Ph D, Pamela Gabbay MA FT, and Carla Fine, author of No Time to Say Goodbye; Surviving the Suicide of Someone You Love. Each workshop presentation will be three hours in length, and their bookstore, run by the Centering Corporation, will be available during the lunch break. Contact info@sslf.org for workshop topics and registration information.

This conference is the first of its kind that I have heard about. Whether you are a new widow/ widower, a widow/widower who has walked a bit further down the path, a widow/widower who has remarried and is living a new and full life, a support person of a widow or widower, a bereavement professional, or a member of the clergy…there is something at this conference that will touch and inspire you. Below are their links for you to explore.

www.sslf.org

I hope to see you there. If you know of someone who would benefit from the conference, please feel free to forward this email. I would enjoy hearing from you so please drop me a line and let me know where you are on your journey. It’s always wonderful to receive a picture so feel free to attach one.

Wishing you good things always,

Laurie-Ann

Laurie-Ann Weis

Website: www.laurieannweis.com

Books: The Water Dance: Finding Joy Again and Again Amid Life’s Hardest Lessons

The After Journey: Getting Through the First Year

"The Grief Diet"

2009-01-01T17:47:00.000-08:00

You know how it is. After your husband or wife passes, you don't eat. You lose weight. I lost 15 pounds in the first 6 weeks after my husband died. I wish I had kept it off, but later, I relied on fast food and junk to get me through a crazy single parent life. Bad, I know. I've played the yoyo diet game ever since. I'm now working on taking it off for good.

Whether you are fighting the grief diet, put on weight after or just need to take better care of yourself, this column should help you. I've asked JJ Virgin, PhD, CNS a celebrity nutrition and fitness expert, author, public speaker and media personality for some advice.

She is internationally recognized as the expert in overcoming weight loss resistance and trains other health care professionals in her program. She is a proud board member of the National Association of Nutrition Professionals, www.nanp.org.Stress is one of the biggest assaults on our health and going through the death of a spouse ranks right up there in all time most stressful events. Stress has a biochemical impact on your body both initially and chronically that can make you tired, depressed, hungry, gain weight, lose muscle and lose your overall joy if not dealt with. The good news here is that with good self care you can heal from the stress and reclaim your health and vitality.

In addition to JJ's tips, I added a little commentary.

1. Get 8-9 hours of uninterrupted sleep per night. Sleep is the number one way we repair our adrenal glands(body's stress system). (Often, widows/widowers can't sleep well at night. Try to nap when you can too, but JJ is right that sleep helps.)

2. Supplement with some extra Vitamin C, I love those Emergency Packets-try adding 1 to some sparkling mineral water once or twice a day. Vitamin C is the number 1 vitamin used by the adrenal glands and is critical for repair. (I actually got sick easier because I didn't take care of myself.)

3. Ditto on a good B complex. Your body burns up B's under stress so grab a good B Complex and take 1 with breakfast and lunch daily. (What's important here is that you need to eat. Even a small light snack. When we're grieving we don't want to eat. The number one thing is that we need to start adding some good nutrition into our daily life.)

4. Lose the sugar. Chronic stress depletes serotonin, your feel good brain chemical, which can leave you craving sugar to crank it back up. Trade your sugar for some low glycemic fruit options and if you are still struggling with those cravings try taking 5 HTP 50-300 mg, raising the dose slowly. NOTE, if you are on anti-depressant meds, please make sure you talk to your doctor BEFORE starting any supplements! (I relied waaay too much on sugar to get through the day. To show you how bad it was, I would drink pepsi and grab handfuls of m&ms...not good! It only made me crash later and want more. Then I was stuck in this terrible cycle. If you can't give it up at once, do it little by little.)

5. Get out in the sunshine and move it! Okay so sunshine naturally raises serotonin and so does exercise so try a little burst training outside. Burst training is where you alternate all out movement for 30 seconds-like a sprint, with active recovery for 60 seconds, like easy walking. This type of training is tops for helping your body burn off fat BUT even better it helps retrain your stress system to deal with stress and recover. I have clients start with accumulating 4 total minutes of bursting and then build to 8 minutes over time. (If this is too much in your condition, then just sit outside on a nice day. Of course, many of you might want to just pull covers over your head. I understand. But sitting outside will actually help the grieving process.)

6. Laugh with your girlfriends. Okay, you may not feel like it but with a good chick flick and a few buddies, your body will take over. Laughter raises serotonin too and lowers stress hormone. A recent study showed that women deal best with their stress by talking it out with their girlfriends. That phrase, 'laughter is the best medicine' is spot on. (I totally agree w/this. We're not saying forget about grieving. Just start small and build up from there.)

7. Eat three balanced meals that include 6 ounces of clean lean protein, 2 cups of NON starchy veggies, a small amount of a healthy fat(olive oil, cold water fish, raw nuts and seeds, avocado) and a half cup of a high fiber carb choice or a low glycemic fruit(oatmeal, lentils, sweet potato, berries, etc.). Eat every 4-6 hours, eat within an hour of waking up and stop eating three hours before bed. Most importantly keep a journal of your food intake and partner up with a pal to hold each other accountable. (Like JJ said, a journal is important in helping with weight loss, but if you're not up to that point yet, start with the balanced meals and what JJ recommends and work up to the journaling.)

Thanks JJ!

If you are frustrated with your body and feel like nothing you are doing is working, grab her free special report, The 7 Biggest Mistakes to Avoid in Weight Loss at www.jjvirgin.com and receive her monthly LeanZine loaded with insider information on fighting fat and getting lean for life FREE!

The Book of NO

2009-01-01T13:57:00.000-08:00

Susan Newman, Ph.D., social psychologist and author of The Book of NO: 250 Ways to Say It--and Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever (www.thebookofno.com) sent in this tip for the holidays and I think it's always a good thing to consider no matter what time of the year it is:

Strongly consider all invitations before accepting. Our tendency is to say, yes, sure, I’ll be there (or do that). Think: Do I want to be there? Will that gathering, party, dinner make me happy or uncomfortable? Is it too painful this year? You have a right to say NO and protect your emotional boundaries and conserve your physical energy for the things and people you want to be with and who make you feel good. Similarly, you can tell people when you don’t want to talk about a sensitive subject, your loss, a health issue, a child’s problem—whatever. If they persist, walk away.

Until next time,
Lisa

Nine Ways to Make Space in Your Grief for Some Seasonal Joy

2008-12-30T13:13:00.000-08:00

If you’ve lost a loved one, intuitive psychologist Susan Apollon offers some helpful hints on getting through the toughest time of the year

If you’ve recently lost a loved one—and even if it happened not so recently—the holidays can be heart wrenching. The stark contrast between glowing lights and the darkness of your sorrow is difficult to take. Frankly, you’d like to crawl under the covers and hide until January 2.

But according to Susan Apollon, an intuitive psychologist who works with grieving people, it is possible to find some pleasure, even a touch of joy, in the holiday season.

"The holidays are painful if someone you love has recently died, or if you’re going through a divorce, or even if your child has moved away," says Apollon, author of Touched by the Extraordinary: An Intuitive Psychologist Shares Insights, Lessons, and True Stories of Spirit and Love to Transform and Heal the Soul (Matters of the Soul, 2005, ISBN: 0-9754036-4-8, $19.95 and co-author of Intuition Is Easy and Fun, The Art and Practice of Developing Your Natural Born Gift of Intuition, Intuitive Wisdom Press, 2008, ISBN – 13: 978 -0- 9799036-0-1, $15.95). "Special days remind us of our loss. Family is supposed to be together during the holidays, and when things aren’t the way they’re ‘supposed’ to be, of course it’s distressing.

"But you can get through the holidays," she promises. "In fact, even if your grief is very fresh, you can create a space to celebrate in your own way."

Here are nine hints for making space in your grief for some holiday joy:

First, give yourself permission to cry. Apollon’s mantra on dealing with grief is "face it, embrace it, and replace it." In other words, the only way to "get over" sadness is to experience it. "If you need to cry, cry, even if you’re at a party and have to leave the room," says Apollon. "You might even set aside an evening to get in touch with your grief. Fix the cocoa you used to drink with your mother or go through your photo albums. It’s healthier to feel the sadness and loss than to detach yourself from it. It’s right and normal to grieve; just don’t make it the dominant part of who you are."

It’s okay to break tradition. It’s also okay to say "no." You know your own limitations, says Apollon. If you simply can’t face hosting your annual holiday feast, complete with dozens of relatives, don’t try to soldier through it for the sake of your guests. People will understand. In fact, it’s okay to leave town altogether. "Some people find it helpful to get away completely, to somewhere that doesn’t remind them of holidays past," notes Apollon. "You might consider a tropical vacation, or you might take the time to visit a friend across the country. Doing something completely different can be a good coping mechanism, especially for that first tough year."

Consciously attach a new meaning to the holidays. Holidays are difficult because they remind you that someone special to you—someone who should be there—is gone. In your mind, your daughter (or mother or husband or friend) is Thanksgiving or Christmas or Hanukkah. Without that person, family dinners and parties just don’t have the same meaning. That’s why Apollon suggests you find a new way to connect with the person you’ve lost. "Buy the gifts that you would be giving to your lost loved one and donate them to a charity or volunteer in a hospital or soup kitchen," says Apollon. "If you consciously guide yourself to attach a new meaning, one that still involves your lost loved one, you will find that you are able to create a new beginning for your holiday celebrations with that person."

Honor your lost loved one in a way that feels comfortable to you. It’s usually better to acknowledge your loss than to pretend that nothing has changed. You might light a special candle for your loved one, hang a tree ornament in his memory, or bring out a favorite photo. "Some clients actually set a place at the table for their missing family member," says Apollon. "I’ve even had a few tell me they received a ‘message’ of gratitude from their loved one for acknowledging him or her! On the other hand, some people discover that the empty chair is more upsetting than comforting. Do what feels right to you."

Invite your loved one to be a part of your holiday experience. Apollon means this literally, not figuratively. She suggests that you talk with your lost loved one and share your feelings with him throughout the holidays. Ask for guidance and help from the person. He will hear you and may even send a sign—perhaps a whiff of his cologne or a smoky image in a photograph or a synchronistic moment—so pay attention. "There are many ways to communicate with someone who isn’t with us in the physical sense," says Apollon. "Journaling your feelings to the person can help you release your pain and provide a greater sense of clarity. I often encourage my clients to verbally invite the person they are missing to be with them and to ask them for signs. However, don’t anxiously wait around for the signs. Ask and then let it go. Allow whatever happens to unfold naturally."

If you don’t want to go all out, do the holidays in a small way. You don’t have to decorate lavishly or bake up your usual six dozen secret-family-recipe homemade cookies to celebrate the holidays. Instead, put up a tiny tree and pop a pack of pre-made cookies in the oven. "Recognizing the holidays in some small way can be healing," says Apollon. "It’s a way of accepting the fact that life goes on and of giving yourself permission to enjoy small pleasures." Interestingly, says Apollon, some people who have passed on may want their families to adhere to holiday traditions. One of her clients dramatically scaled down holiday festivities the year her son died, setting a small, decorated tree on the table instead of putting up the usual big, lavishly appointed one. "The son let her know right away that he wasn’t happy with it," says Apollon. "For three mornings in a row she woke up to find all the ornaments mysteriously removed from the tree and set neatly off to the side. Finally, she got the picture! Don’t assume you need to minimize the holidays as an expression of grief—your loved one really is present, and he may very well want you to keep things the way they’re ‘supposed’ to be."

On the other hand, if you absolutely can’t find any holiday joy, go find some other kind. Maybe you’re too depressed or too angry with God to celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah even in a tiny way. That’s okay, says Apollon. But don’t deprive yourself of all joy. Go to a movie. Meet a friend for coffee. Take a long nature hike with your beloved dog. "The law of attraction says that if you want positive experiences, you need to do something that feels good," Apollon points out. "Make it a priority to do something that brings pleasure, even if it’s not holiday related."

Learn to be conscious of the moment. Practice being fully present in the now; it truly is where joy resides. "Every day of your life, every moment of your life, you can choose joy or not," Apollon reflects. "Of course, no one feels joyful all the time, but when we learn to live in the present—to really pay attention to how food tastes or what a child’s laugh sounds like or how the snowflakes look against the edge of the woods—we can savor moments of delight even in a time of grief."
Realize that miracles really do happen at the holidays. Here’s the thing about the holidays, says Apollon. They really are magic. You knew this as a child but may have forgotten it. But spiritual occasions like holidays allow us to step outside the box we live in most of the time and let miracles in. "Paradoxical as it sounds, grief and holidays are a lot alike," she reflects. "They both help us detach from trivial things and focus on what’s important, what’s real. Open your mind and heart this year and see what happens. Maybe you’ll feel a sense of connection with your loved one who passed on, or maybe you’ll feel joy for the first time since your loss. Either one might qualify as a miracle."

Remember, says Apollon, the holidays won’t always be such a struggle. If you work through your grief instead of repressing it, you’ll find joy again. "The holidays will never be the same again," she says. "That is true. But life is change, by its very nature. Little by little you will form a new identity and learn to connect with your lost loved one in a different way. You’ll form new memories and new traditions. Grieving well can lead to spiritual growth, which means that life itself can become richer and fuller after a profound loss. You’ll never forget the person you lost, but you will find joy—even holiday joy—again."

# # #

About the Author:

For close to twenty years, Susan Apollon has worked as a psychotherapist, psychologist, and healer, treating children and adults who are traumatized, diagnosed with cancer or other life-threatening illnesses, dealing with death and dying, and those who are grieving. She brings to her patients a gentle blend of warmth, compassion, and wisdom gained from surviving her own illnesses and losses; her expertise and training as a wife, mom, teacher, psychologist, researcher, and student of energy, mind, and consciousness; and finally, her own intuitive development.

Single Parent Travel

2008-12-30T05:12:00.000-08:00

I hope all of you got through the holidays okay. I know I received emails from some of you that were having a tough time. I hope I helped you work that through. Our holidays were nice. I didn't go overboard on presents for the kids and they actually enjoyed it! They got the main stuff they wanted, so they were happy. We had my family over on Saturday and had fun.

I'm taking a little break until at least next week on this blog, but don't go anywhere. I'll be back. In the meantime, I'll post things I find that I think can be useful to you as either widows, widowers or single parents, or just for fun. Today it comes from Single Parent Travel, which I vow to try and do more of next year. Here is a survey they did. Check out their site. It might give you some ideas for next year -- those of you who are ready to travel. The picture on this page is of Tuscany, Italy -- my dream destination. I'm working on it!

JET-SETTING SINGLE PARENTS

Survey of single parents offers some surprises

The days of the homebound single parent may be gone. In a recent survey of nearly 1000 single parents, Single Parent Travel, a company dedicated to discussing and offering the world to single parents, has discovered quite a few surprises. "Our last survey in 1998 revealed a few surprises as well and we felt that it was time to take the pulse of our community again," said John Frenaye the Chief Single Dad for Single Parent Travel.

"We have always done an annual trip to a Beaches® resort in Jamaica; a few years ago, several parents were clamoring for a more upscale experience. So we created some great trips for our upscale readers and they were a huge hit—we have been to Kenya, Peru, the Amazon, and my favorite was a Harry Potter trip to the UK." said Frenaye. The survey ran for three months from September through November.

Some of the surprises follow, but the detailed results can be found on the Single Parent Travel website.

FAMILY STATUS

· 61% are divorced

· 29% are single by choice

· 7% are either a widow or widower

· 68% have an income over $50,000 per year

· 72% have a college degree or a postgraduate degree

TRAVEL HABITS

· 65% prefer a vacation lasting 5-7 days

· 85% prefer a varied itinerary encompassing an active vacation and a relaxing one

· 51% have traveled to the Caribbean in the past

· 54% spend more than $1500 on a typical vacation

SINGLE PARENT TRAVEL EXPERIENCE

· 88% are somewhat or very likely to travel with Single Parent Travel

· 8% have already traveled with Single Parent Travel

According to Frenaye, "The biggest mistake one can do is to underestimate or assume. We are constantly seeking feedback on our trips, our website, and our services so that we can provide exactly what our readers and travelers seek."

The Single Parent Travel website (www.singleparenttravel.net) is full of useful information for single parents. A lot of it pertains to travel, but a lot is just about good parenting. The company organizes approximately 25 group trips per year ranging from quick weekend getaways like the Rocking Horse Ranch in Highland, NY to a 12-Day Grand Mediterranean cruise on the brand new Ruby Princess. "We try to have enough offerings to appeal to almost everyone, scheduling around school breaks is another issue altogether." said Frenaye.

The company was founded in 1983 by Brenda Elwell, a single mom and world traveler, who grew tired of the inequities single parents faced when traveling with a child or children. Singles are penalized in terms of cost because there is not another adult in the party. There are also some social "stigmas" attached when dining and interacting with more traditional families while on vacation. And the biggest peeve was the assumption that the presence of a "kids club" made a destination or a resort truly "kid friendly". Brenda's mission still loves today and Single Parent Travel seeks out the best value, the most single parent friendly, and the most kid friendly resorts and destinations. Frenaye elaborated, "We realize that travel is both an investment and an education in addition to down time and we plan out trips accordingly. Whenever possible, we try to make our trips 3 in 1. One for the parent (some down time alone or with other adults), one for the kids (with other kids), and of course one for the family. Our families love it."

For more information, Single Parent Travel can be contacted toll free at 888-277-8543, or by email at info@singleparenttravel.net, or on the web at www.singleparenttravel.net.

Dreams

2008-12-25T08:40:00.000-08:00

From Guest Luellen Hoffman visit:
http://www.specialdream.org
I Have To Leave

One of my favorite dream stories in my book is about an elderly woman regarding her husband and I wanted to share it with you. She told me he would always tell her he would never leave her and this is a theme repeated over and over again in the book.
Introduction: I met my husband when we were in college, and we were married for thirty-two years before he died from lymphoma in October 2000.
The Special Dream: I was in my bed when my husband appeared in the door and he said to me, "I'm going to have to leave." During our thirty-two years of marriage, he would always say he would never leave me, and so now (in the dream) I asked him, "Why?" He never answered me why he just said, "I just have to, but you will be okay, everything will be alright." Then he said he wanted to show me where he was living, and it was so lavish and well-appointed and laid out.

It was the most beautiful place I have ever seen. I started to get upset with him, thinking that he was doing all this behind my back and setting up this beautiful place for himself without my knowledge, so I said to him, "How long have you been putting this place together?" He said not long, and he kept reassuring me that I would be okay. He showed me his king-size bed and we sat down on it and talked for
awhile.

Then it was time for me to go, so I started to leave. To test him I took some of the beautiful things he had in his bedroom with me, to see if he would challenge me, but he was very loving and said, "That's okay, you can take anything you want." He kept telling me not to worry, everything would be fine and I would be taken care of.

--- Lillian B.

When my husband died in 1994 our sons were only 8 and 10 years old. His death was sudden and they did not even have the chance to say, "Good bye" to him. Understandably they were quit devastated by his death. In order to help them make sense of it all I told them that daddy didn't want to leave them, but he had to go ahead of us, he had to go because God had called him to heaven. And when God calls you have to go, even if you don't want to.

I also said that we are all going to die someday, because we have a certain amount of time here on earth. Death is a natural part of life and life is for the living. I told them that in life there was a great big beautiful world out there and we were going to go forward, to live life to the fullest and since then we have done just that. Our friends and loved ones die but never leave us. We still love them and they only go forward as their time on earth is over. They are waiting to greet us when our time is over, and in the end we will all be together again.
--- Luellen Hoffman

Better late than never!

2008-12-23T21:31:00.000-08:00

Sorry it's taken me so long to get this out, but hopefully you can still get a little help from it! The kids and I decorated Jeff's stone with those stakes that have snowmen and elves and santa on them for the holidays this year. We added a wreath. Now it's snowed a lot so I don't know how well it's doing, so we'll go there tomorrow to check on it.

I heard from a good friend of mine who lost her husband and was having a tough time getting through the holidays because not only did she lose him, but her son left home to go into the Navy, the other got his license and her daughter is moving in with her boyfriend. So many changes! The two of the kids will be home for the holidays, but still...

So I decided to ask a bunch of people for tips and suggestions on how to get through the holidays. I'm pasting them below. My best advice? Take from this list and do what YOU want to do. Nobody can tell you what feels right. Just do what feels right regardless of the list and regardless of what others think you should do.

From Louise Zweben, CEO of SympathyTree.com.

* Watch  movies and collect photographs of you with your loved one as a way to remember  the times you shared with them.  You do not want to just block it  out.  Moving on starts with looking back.
* Creating an  online memorial to bring your family and friends together from all over the  world to share their stories and memories, to remember, comfort, grieve and heal with each other.
Dr. Laurie Ann Levin, founder and CEO of Moonview Sanctuary (www.moonviewsanctuary.com), a treatment center incorporating a variety of mind, body, spirit approaches:
“Do not judge yourself with arbitrary estimation of where you should or shouldn't be with your loss.  Regardless of what you are feeling – anger, grief, fear, despondency – know that it is OK and love yourself for these emotions.  Acknowledge where you are and mark it as a barometer for next year at the same time to see how you have grown.”
Pam Garcy, PhD, psychologist-author of The Power of Inner Guidance: Seven Steps to Tune In and  Turn On.
 
 * Allow yourself to grieve the loss of your loved  one.  This takes priority over any holiday.
* Let yourself off the hook.  You might not be in  the mood to celebrate.  This is normal.  Honor yourself by allowing  yourself to take a break from all of the parties.
* Seek support from those who understand you.   Turn to others who will support your decision to take a holiday from the  holidays!

Dr. Susan Shumsky, www.doctorsusan.org, 
* Help Someone Else: One e sure way to forget your blues is to help someone in need. Go and visit a relative who is homebound. Or visit people in a nursing home and cheer them up. Play a game, read a book, or sing a song with them. Volunteer at a homeless shelter and dish out food. Or volunteer at a hospice and reminisce with the patients about their lives.

   
Marta Felber, Author, Grief Expressed When a Mate Dies,Finding Your Way After Your Spouse Dies
My Mantra for Getting Through the Holidays:
I will be kind to myself and nurturing. I will do things differently without feeling guilty. I will ask for and accept help. I will be realistic about what I can handle, both physically and emotionally. I will get plenty of rest and not attempt too much. I will provide safe times and places to grieve. I will give myself the gift of happy memories. I will survive, knowing it will be easier next year.
Katherine Ingram, M.A.I am a trained psychologist, writer and was widowed, at Christmas, when I 
was 32.  My best advice for getting through the holidays comes from 
my personal experience, although psychology would back it up.  Don't 
try to celebrate the holidays as usual, unless that brings solace.  
Look for a place where you can offer yourself to someone or something 
else.  It is empowering and comforting to feel there is something in 
you still to give and to remind yourself, in your pain, that others 
are also longing for connection.  It doesn't have to be a grand 
humanitarian gesture.  I  went to the horse stables near my home.  No 
one was there and I could walk quietly among the animals, feeding 
each of them carrots and appreciating their silent companionship and 
the quiet, earthy peacefulness of the place.  Focusing on the "Oh my 
god it's Christmas and I am without my beloved" puts undue pressure 
on the heart.  It is a day, like any other: difficult, but moving 
slowly into a new life.  Lower the expectations and look to create an 
experience of life and connection rather than death and separation.  
Make a small offering to the world.
Kara L.C. Jones, Grief  & Art Coach, exploring the heART of  life...Www.MotherHenna.com

Tip1: Considering  attending a Blue Christmas service in your area.  Often these services  include some facilitated sharing and more of a community support feeling.   It can be a safe space where you can say the name of your loved one, remember  & honor in sacred space.Tip2:  Walk a  labyrinth.  This is a very meditative process, walking in silence, ritual  of integration.  If there is a place at the end to set a rock on a cairn,  do so in memory of your loved one.
Tip3:  Do some  automatic writing for 5 minutes.  Set your egg timer.  Put pen to  paper, writing about your loved one or to your loved one.  Don't stop,  don't edit, just keep the pen moving till the timer goes  off.

More coming!
 

No matter what you believe...

2008-12-11T13:01:00.000-08:00

watch this...

Simple Rules for Dating a Widow/Widower

2008-12-04T05:14:00.001-08:00

There must be something in the air. I'm getting so many emails from people who are dating a widow/widower and aren't sure what to do. So since many of them popped in here first to find out more, I thought I'd post some "rules" if you will to help you through the process.

1. Start Slow.
One person said that a widower lost his wife 2 months ago but seems interested in her now. Yes, that's possible, but remember that grief is a rollercoaster ride and can last quite a while. What's wrong with starting as friends and seeing where it goes from there? What you might see as attraction may just be his way of having some companionship and he may not be ready to move further.
2. "Court,"
Whatever happened to courting? Okay, maybe I'm old fashioned but when I get emails that talk about a long-term relationship and getting serious before basic dating has even begun, well I wonder about the person's intentions. Like I said, SLOW DOWN. The widow/widower is going through a rough time and jumping 10 steps ahead isn't going to help either one of you.
3. Don't ask him/her to take pictures down.
This is such a popular topic that I have to talk about it. I received one email recently that it 'bothered' the person that widower had a picture of his late wife in his house. Remember, that we didn't get divorced and we don't hate our late husbands/wives. There's nothing wrong with having a picture or some pictures around the house. I've always felt that asking someone to remove them is rude and disrespectful, especially if the person has children. I would never take down a picture of me, Jeff and the kids. If I get remarried one day, that pic will be added into our collection, but Jeff was their father and his picture isn't going anywhere.
4. Stop competing with a ghost.
One person wrote and said that "every once in a while" he mentions 'her'. So? Maybe being in Italy with you reminded him of something funny that they did together. He has a history with her and it's a good one, but remember She's not coming back and in time those memories will begin to fade a little and be replaced with stories of you. On the other hand, if you find the widow/widower is constantly talking about their late spouse, then he/she may not be ready to date and you may just want to consider a friendship. My dad died when I was young and my stepfather never told my mom to not talk about him, visit the cemetery or take pictures down. She even talked to him about my dad. He understood the situation and realized that my dad wasn't going to come back into the picture.
5. Be respectful of the children.
If children are involved, they may still be grieving and even though their mom/dad has a new boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't mean that the children are going to be so accepting. It's not a competition. It's an adjustment for the children and it needs to be respected. There may be a day that seeing you with their mom/dad might be hard on them and they react. They might have a bad day because something reminded them so don't take it personally.
6. Realize that things may change -- suddenly.
I get some letters where the widow/widower has taken a step back after being in a relationship for a period of time. I know that's difficult for you, but perhaps it moved too fast for him/her and they need to regroup. Perhaps it was too soon and the person just isn't ready yet after all. Sometimes it's hard whether or not you're ready to date again until you're in a relationship so they might realize it afterward.
7. Look for warning signs.
If your boyfriend/girlfriend has suddenly become withdrawn, sad, reclusive, angry, etc., the grief monster (as I used to call it) might have made a return visit in a much harsher way. Try talking to him/her about it and if you can't, see if there is a close friend of him/her you can talk to about it.

I'm sure I'm going to be adding to this list as I go on, but this is a start. Maybe it will help those who write me to sort out some issues. Remember, that being a widow/widower is much different than being divorced and comes with a host of different problems. If you're here trying to learn, I applaud you for taking the initiative.

Until next time,
Lisa

Attn: Readers -- An important issue today!

2008-12-03T07:23:00.001-08:00

I've been thinking about the content on this blog and would like to start including grief workshops, workshops on starting over and/or teleconference calls with a grief specialist, authors, etc...I would have to charge a small fee for the workshops and calls since i have to pay the person whose doing it. Would you be interested? PLEASE email me at lisawriter@msn.com or leave a comment here and let me know. Thanks!

The Anywhere, Anytime Chill Guide

2008-11-28T09:58:00.000-08:00

Kate Hanley is the author of The Anywhere, Anytime Chill Guide . I don't know about you, but when someone says "you just need to 'chill'" what does that mean exactly? This holiday week and season is very tough for us, but how do you relax when grief has taken over...I asked Kate to provide a part of her book that might help you breathe better and get through the week when grief or anger smacks you in the face.

Here's my story where I could've used Kate: Yesterday, I went to the cemetery only to find someone walking their dog there and the dog urinated right next to one of the stones. Well, perhaps I should've used one of Kate's breathing techniques instead of telling the woman off -- I told her my husband was buried there and what she was doing was EXTREMELY disrespectful and she had no manners. I told her to put the dog on a leash and walk him somewhere else. She walked away while I drove away but when I turned and looked, the dog was still going all over the place. What nerve! I said what I said, but boy was I angry! I'm going to go practice Kate's techniques. First a Q&A with her:

How did you come up with the idea for The Anywhere, Anytime Chill Guide?
I’ve been practicing yoga for 13 years, and I’ve come to realize that the one deep breath I take when I get a last-minute project heaped on my plate is even more important than the many deep breaths I take during yoga class. Because in that moment when my carefully planned schedule flies out the window, I need all the help I can get so that I don’t make a bad situation worse by stressing out. I love going to yoga class, but I have come to realize that the true power of cultivating a self-care practice comes in the midst of your everyday life. I also know that a lot of people are looking for a way to feel less frazzled, but they have no idea where to start. So I had the idea for a book that would help people of all ages and fitness levels remember to take that breath, regardless of their exposure to—or propensity toward—all things “woo woo.”
In addition to modified yoga poses, I also include mini practices from meditation, breath work, nutrition, Ayurveda, acupressure, and more. It’s one-stop shopping for self-care remedies. Because that was another guiding principle when I was writing the book: Offer the best solutions for each situation, and compile all this incredible information that’s been cultivated over the last 3,000 years and make it accessible to today’s incredibly busy, time-crunched person.
Some of these remedies you suggest take just 30 seconds. Can something that quick really change the way you feel?
Absolutely. That being said, I’m not going to tell you that you can completely defuse a stressful situation by doing 30 seconds of deep breathing. Nothing in the book is going to solve all your problems, I am so sorry to say. But in any situation, how you react to it plays a huge role in how much of an impact it has on your wellbeing. And if you take even one deep breath or make one mindful adjustment to your posture before you respond, you are going to react from a place of awareness instead of knee-jerk impulse. The impact may be incremental, but it’s like the law of inertia: Just as an object in motion has a tendency to remain in motion, if you take a step to improve your wellbeing, no matter how small, you have a greater tendency to move toward balance, calm, and contentment. In most cases, the most difficult piece of any of the remedies I suggest is to simply remember to do them in the first place.
What is it about remembering to take a deep breath or adjust your posture that’s so powerful?
Either of these actions reminds you that you have a body, and that you are more than just a never-ending stream of thoughts. And that’s a good thing because our bodies are where are deepest wisdom lies—whether you call it a gut instinct or a feeling in your bones. Taking a deep breath or adjusting your posture works on many levels: First, it helps your body work efficiently—you get more oxygen and you remove any barriers to the flow of breath and energy throughout the body. Second, by shifting your attention away from whatever situation is causing you stress and turning it toward your breath or your body, you give your mind a chance to get off the treadmill of negative thinking and create an opportunity for your deeper knowledge to rise to the surface and be heard. And third, it takes your intention—to react to a situation with a clear head—and puts action behind it. And without action, all your best intentions are just nice ideas.
How do you envision a reader using the book?
I like to imagine you keeping it on your bedside table, and before you go to sleep or get out of bed, you look up whatever’s going on in your life at the moment and get some ideas on how to help yourself through it. I wanted the book to be incredibly relevant to your daily life, so I organized the chapters around all the major parts of your life – at the office, out on the streets, in love and friendship, and dealing with life’s biggest challenges. I also included remedies for the most common mental and physical woes—from PMS to constipation—and cross-referenced everything so that you can go through and cook up a prescription for whatever’s ailing you. I was inspired by the idea of the 30-minute meal (thanks, Rachael Ray), and wrote my remedies in the tried-and-true recipe format, so you can see at a glance what you’ll need, how long it will take, and exactly what steps you need to take in what order.
You also run a website, MsMindbody.com. What’s the site about?
At MsMindbody.com, I write a weekly column called the Vegimental that explores one simple thing you can do to help you deal with your busy life, whether it’s a yoga pose, a breathing technique, or just food for thought. I created the word Vegimental out of three words: regimen, elemental, and Vitameatevegamin, and it reflects my belief that the best approach to wellness is to keep things simple, add in a little discipline, and always maintain a hefty dash of humor. The site is also a place for people to share their self-care tricks. If you come by the site, please sign up for the newsletter! That’s how I gauge how well I’m doing. In this day and age, when time is scarce, I figured that the number of people who say “Yes, I’d like to hear from you on a regular basis” is more valuable than the number of people who stumble across your site and may or may not ever come back. I’m at 1200 subscribers and rising. Come join those of us who are dedicated to the fine art of feeling better and better!
Excerpt:
Grief is an inevitable part of life, and about the only advice we ever receive is to “give it time”—essentially meaning, “ignore it and it will eventually fade.” It’s a natural tendency to want to avoid feelings of grief because they can be so painful. But the practice I suggest encourages those painful feelings to rise up so that they may ultimately lift completely.

This breathing exercise comes from yoga and can be done every day until you start to feel like yourself again. It’s known as Warrior’s Breath, and it invites fresh breath deep into the lungs where yoga and Chinese medicine believe grief takes up residence in the body. This belief makes sense from a practical standpoint—think about the last time you were so sad that you not only started crying, but your breath also got caught in your lungs, resulting in sobs. By filling this area with breath, you’ll flush out any air or emotions that may have become lodged deep within the body and pave the way for new, more life-sustaining air to take its place.
Don’t discount the power of this exercise because it seems too simple—after you’ve done it for a minute or so, you’ll realize that it takes all of your concentration and a considerable physical effort to keep going. Keep at it as long as you can, and if it elicits tears, don’t be surprised. Just take them as a sign that your body is processing the grief, and notice how much better you feel when the tears are through. You’re going to get through this, particularly now that you have something you can do to help the process along besides sitting around and waiting.

Remedy: Warrior’s Breath
Ingredients:
Comfortable clothing
Bare feet
Time Needed:
Five to ten minutes
Instructions:

Stand with your feet three to four feet apart, toes pointed out slightly. Bend your knees and lower your tush as if you were straddling an invisible horse. Bring your palms to touch in front of your heart. Inhale a deep breath through your nose as you reach your arms out to your sides at shoulder height, palms facing away from you. Exhale through your mouth, making a soft “ha” sound as if you were trying to fog up a mirror, as you bring your palms together again in front of your chest. After you’ve got the hang of timing your movement to your breath and making the fog-up-a-mirror sound, begin exhaling through your nose while still making a similar “whoosh” noise. The noise won’t be as loud, but it should still be audible to you. Continue as long as you can. Aim for at least fifteen breaths, more if you can hack it. When you’re done, straighten your legs, bring your hands to your hips, and breathe normally for several moments before resuming normal activity.

Modifications: If standing with knees bent is too strenuous, you can also do this exercise while sitting cross-legged on the floor or on the edge of a hard-backed chair.
Benefits: The Warrior’s Breath flushes stale air and old, stagnant emotions out of the lungs and torso. It bathes the lungs in fresh oxygen and energy. Making the “ha” sound requires that you constrict the back of your throat, which regulates the flow of air and adds a layer of mental complexity that gives you something to focus on other than how sad you are.

2008-11-19T03:55:00.000-08:00

Mummy, it's hard for us too'

In 1998 her husband, Charlie, father of her two little girls, died suddenly of a heart disease. Kate Boydell describes what it's like to find you're a widow - aged only 33...

you can find the rest of the article here.

Online support group...

2008-11-18T05:14:00.001-08:00

I get a lot of requests for local support groups. Boy, I wish I could compile a list like this, but it's just a time-consuming task. I tell people that they should look through their local churches, or hospitals or even the funeral home to find out if there is one by them. But this week, I was asked why I don't have a chat room. I did at one point -- for those who visited my main site -- www.youngwidowsandwidowers.com. Unfortunately, it didn't go the way I planned it to go and without getting into the gory details, I decided to shut it down. So I recommend that if you need to chat with someone, visit www.youngwidow.org, and tell them I sent you.

Why is this a good site? I highly recommend an in person support system (therapist, doctor, support group) but I vividly remember waking up at 2 a.m. one night for the first time wanting to talk to someone or write something out. I wanted an answer NOW. I wanted someone to tell me it was going to be okay NOW. Not two weeks from now when I had my next appointment, but NOW. And I really meant NOW. LOL. So I found some online message boards -- I didn't want to talk real time to someone. I just wanted to post and wait for answers. I posted how I was feeling and within 15 minutes (at 2 a.m.!) I had someone respond to me and that felt good. I didn't wake anyone up with a frantic phone call in the middle of the night that I couldn't take it anymore.

Not every site has people that are going to write you back in 15 minutes, but you'll get a quicker response than waiting two weeks for your next appointment. Of course you can't use the site as professional therapy. Think of it as talking to a friend who's been there. Who understands. Friends used to tell me, "why didn't you call me?" and although I did at times, there were times when what I was feeling they would not understand. I had to talk to someone who was my age(ish) and was suddenly a single mom and widow. My happily-married friend wasn't going to get it and would only be able to say "i'm sorry" or "i'm here if you want to talk." Those are great things, but I wanted someone who would UNDERSTAND and be able to say "yeah, I feel those things too." These online sites were a lifesaver for me.

I know the women who started www.youngwidow.org and I'm sure they won't be upset if I posted their "about us" section here...please visit them. Please use them for those 2 a.m. times or for those times you can't reach a friend or a doctor or just for whatever. You really are NOT alone. Anyway, here is their about us section -- good people, huh?

Lauren Raynor Weiss launched the initial YoungWidow.org website and associated bulletin board on September 11, 2001 after months of conceiving its format. She was 30 years old and 6 months pregnant when her late husband died from a sudden asthma attack in December 1999. Suddenly she was no longer with her mate of twelve years, she was a widow. She found the lack of existing literature, Internet resources and support groups for people of her age frustrating since a 30-year old cannot relate to a support group for seniors. There was no formal young widow support group in her area, but there was an existing group of widows in the New York area between the ages of 28 and 45 that she was introduced to, and in that group she found striking similarities in their experiences as young widows. The strength and hope that she found in this network of other young widows was the inspiration for this website. Lauren has a daughter from her marrage to her late husband. She is remarried and has another daughter.

Carol Young helped to administer and nurture the YoungWidow.org website and bulletin board in their early days before the organization of Young Widow - Chapter Two. Her husband of fourteen years died suddenly in 1998 and Carol found herself widowed at age 42 with three daughters under the age of thirteen. She is a trained grief facilitator at the Bereavement Center of Westchester.

The decision to formally organize as a non-profit corporation and to seek tax-exempt status grew out of a get-together in New York City in January 2003 of young widows and widowers from across the country who had become friends on the website's bulletin board. Knowing how much the opportunity to connect online with other young widows and widowers meant to them, they were committed to the goal of ensuring the continued existence of the YoungWidow.org website and the YWBB into the future.

Don't get scammed...

2008-11-17T06:34:00.000-08:00

Here's the embarrassing part to tell you. I write home building and remodeling magazines and time and time again have told readers not to get scammed and to make sure whoever you hire is qualified. Yet, at my most vulnerable time, after Jeff passed away, I fell for it and got scammed. A man who I knew was underqualified to do work on my home convinced me he could handle the job. That was the start of several years of nightmares that I'm still recovering from. He couldn't handle the job and the building inspector shut him down (thankfully). It made me feel like a failure...like I couldn't do anything right. I had to call in one contractor, do part of the job and wait until I could afford to do the next part of the job and get another contractor to do that part of the job. I'm still fixing things that were messed up during all of this...I don't look at my house with the love and admiration of a job well done. I look at my home and I'm grateful, don't get me wrong, but it wasn't supposed to be like this. Jeff's money that he left me was supposed to go farther...was supposed to take care of putting a roof over my mom's head so she could help me. Instead, I was dealing with my own health crisis (thyroid cancer), taking care of my children, grieving over my husband and now this...it was just too much...I was a victim and it cost me tens of thousands of dollars (yes, I sued him and won...he paid part of it and then 'disappeared.' What a surprise...)

I don't want the same to happen to you. When you are at your most vulnerable, it's important not to make any major decisions and to be VERY careful of those around you. Scammers can be a contractor or a guy (or even a woman) you meet on the Internet. A woman wrote me recently and told me that the guy she was dating from the Internet scammed her out of $900 and she found out that he scammed others. She wanted to know how she could stop him because the cops didn't have much to go on. I gave her some suggestions, but couldn't do much. However, we both agreed it was important to remind widows/widowers to be VERY careful. I also asked experts in this area for tips:

Ruth E. Thaler-Carter, award-winning freelance writer/editor, who has written about this type of thing for AARP state newsletters, suggests the following:

1) Trust no one with your money!
2) Don't tell anyone how much money you have.
3) With contractors and other service providers, get references before commissioning the work and never pay until the work is done.
4) Use credit cards whenever possible, because you may be able to stop payments and the credit-card company may help you get your money back.
5) Be skeptical of any new romantic interest who is interested in your money.

From: Robert Siciliano CEO of IDTheftSecurity.com

We do business with those we know, like and trust. Con men know this and work towards building this.

1. Realize there is a thief around every corner in all shapes and sizes looking to fleece you.
2. Never make emotional financial decisions, always make logical.
3. Check with the Better Business Bureau before laying down any cash to anyone
4. Be cautions of people trying to build a relationship with you then asking for money.
4. As the adage goes, "if its to good to be true, it is"

#5 is the most important to me. Go with your gut feeling. If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. Please, if there's nothing else you take away from this blog, take away this...don't let anyone take your money from you. Do due diligence and don't be so gullible to give people information if it doesn't seem right.

I'm recuperating from this, but my trust level with a lot of people is shot. I'm working on it though. I'm also trusting a neighbor who has proven himself to be good at house stuff and is helping me out as well. Be careful!

Lisa

Heaven Was Needing a Hero

2008-11-13T08:28:00.000-08:00

I found out that JoDee Messina, one of my favorite singers EVER, is playing near my hometown in April, so I went searching for songs I don't have of hers and I came across this one. In honor of those who have passed I'm playing it...(grab tissues first).

Heaven Was Needing a Hero

(click on the title above)

Are you an African-American widow?

2008-11-13T06:42:00.001-08:00

If so, a freelance writer is looking to interview you for an article with Black Enterprise magazine on women and money. Feel free to contact him directly ASAP at christaylornyc@yahoo.com.

Thanks!
lisa

My First Christmas in Heaven

2008-11-10T15:54:00.000-08:00

The last two weeks were crazy with my relative now in a nursing home after having a massive stroke, but he's stable for now. However, I just know in my heart he doesn't like being like this -- can't talk well, is totally dependent on others.

I was looking through some older material I had saved after Jeff died and found this poem. It was sent to me years ago and I have no idea where the original is from, but I know it was circulated on the Internet. For those experiencing their first Christmas without their loved one, I hope this gives you some peace as we get closer to the season.

My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees
around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars
reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year

I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you,
the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away
We really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory
of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift more precious
than pure gold
It was always most important
in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other,
as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessing or love
he has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and
wipe away that tear.

How life's fragile...

2008-10-28T19:36:00.000-07:00

A person very close to me was diagnosed with prostate cancer a few weeks ago. The day he was scheduled to get tests for his surgery, he had a major stroke. We almost lost him. It brings back grief because I know I'll never have him in my life the same way he was before. It's like a death. And we've been mourning and thinking and remembering.

Life is hard. We know that and live it, but sometimes it just slaps you in the face.

My thoughts go to anyone who is dealing with a major illness in addition to your grief.

Hang in there.

Dear Lisa (and readers...)

2008-10-22T06:30:00.000-07:00

I received this email recently and the sender asked me to post it and see what others thought.

Dear Lisa,

God bless you for reaching out to the widowed. I just happen to find your website this morning when I am feeling overwhelmed again with grief after getting through the summer here in the northeast. I lost my husband in 2005 to a sudden heart attack. Your opening page of your website says it all. At this point , I'm either growing or I just continue making mistakes , or I am growing and learning and becoming stronger through all the decisions I have to make alone and they never seem like the right decisions unless my husband were here to help me. The truth is , nothing ever seems right.

Maybe I will feel that way the rest of my life. This morning I am going on another job interview, I don't know if I should take it. I don't know if it will fit. I have a nine-year-old, he was six when his father died. Our lives have been on a constant rollercoaster of having to make decisions on my own, I hate it. I have lost my anchor and the man who kept me stable the last 25 years. I had four children with him and our lives were normal. So I have been dating, And that ends up disastrous too. I look for someone or something to belong to, I need an identity it seems. I have lost myself when I lost my husband. So I attach myself right away and go out of my way, to please the new person, and then I crash and I can't handle the relationship any longer. Not to mention that my son doesn't seem to get along with any of the men I date. This is a serious issue because I long for companionship and affection, but the guys I am dating are not widowed and do not understand my or grieving times and my son's behavior at times.

I wonder if you could discuss this subject and I could hear from other widows. Is this normal? Or is this just my personality exposing itself. I have no health insurance since my husband died so neither my son or myself has ever seen a grief counselor. if you can refer me to one I would appreciate it. I live in Rhode Island. Thanks you again for listening to me, and for your website this morning. I have had many dreams about my husband. They were mostly in the first year of my grief. He would only smile and be still, but I knew it was real and it was his spririt coming to me . I still dream of him on special occasions like our anniversary and birthdays of our children. Thank you.
Christin

Well, from my personal opinion, I can say the ONE lingering thing with me is my inability to make a decision. I do, but it takes me forever and I feel paralyzed sometimes. Jeff and I made decisions together so it's not that he did all the work, it's just I get scared about making the wrong decisions. Then, after getting ripped off from contractors, my level of trust was very low so decision-making takes me an extra long time and I'm always doubting myself.

You sound like you need companionship and then get scared. My suggestion, hold off on the relationship stuff for just a little while and focus on other things -- new hobbies, time with your son, travel, whatever makes you happy. Once you become a little more content with being independent, you won't feel the need to cling to any man that comes along. Your son is going through his own grief, having a hard time seeing you with anyone but daddy. Understand that. There's no reason your son needs to have a relationship with your boyfriends if you are only casually dating. If he does get to like one of them, and you break up, he's losing another father-figure. Wait until one is serious and then welcome your son in, but expect that it might take time.

Anyone else have something to add?

Lisa

Death's Gift

2008-10-17T08:21:00.000-07:00

Georgia Weithe, author of "Shining Moments: Finding Hope in Facing Death," talks about death bringing gifts. At first, I have to admit, when Jeff died I didn't want to think there was a gift in any of it. But if you really think about it, there is. What was mine? Well, independence, and not in the way you think. Jeff believed in me, never stopped me from doing something I wanted to try and although I've had other boyfriends prior to when I met Jeff, they were either intimidated because I had a brain or they didn't care less about my desire to be a writer. Jeff was different. He was my support, my cheerleader. I was even told from the aide in the hospital that visited Jeff that he talked a lot about the kids and me and my career.

How is that a gift? Well, I know I can handle anything because that lives on with me. I've been through so much, but taking Jeff away made me have to stand up and realize that I can do it all because my cheerleader made me believe that. Here's Georgia's blurb for this website from her book. What's your gift?

Death’s Gift

Ten years ago death took my father, but it gave me an important gift. It showed me that we take much for granted in life, because we assume there will always be another day to pay attention to the beauty around us, or to alter or elevate the quality of our relationships with those we love. The illusion that life on earth never ends allows us to pretend we can continue as we are forever.

The gift that death has to offer is the awareness that all pleasure is finite, all beauty is transient, as well as the knowledge that we will not be here forever to work through our problems with others.

Here are ten things death taught me about how to live:

1. Live your life so you have no regrets.

2. Admit to yourself that life is fleeting and all things as we know them will come to an end; then out of the awareness of the endings, create new beginnings.

3. Begin to heal your life by making choices that allow you to control your own destiny.

4. Acknowledge the presence of those you love, and honor your spouse or partner, your children and your friends.

5. Never resort to violent acts or bring ruthless thoughts into the realm of your being.

6. Bring love into every situation and replace vengeance with peaceful, loving intentions.

7. Elevate your actions to reflect the highest principles of living; show love, respect and honor for all life.

8. Waste no energy on vanity or pride.

9. Be generous and giving and pursue the highest purpose in all you do

10. Let go of life in the sweetest way you know how.

Georgia Weithe is the author of Shining Moments: Finding Hope in Facing Death (Reflections Press, September 2008). To read excerpts, find additional resources, or to join the conversation on her blog visit, www.shiningmoments.net

Amy Yasbeck -- John Ritter Foundation

2008-10-15T10:41:00.001-07:00

I've watched Amy Yasbeck on everything from The Cosby Show, Wings, Just Shoot Me and in the Problem Child movies. Unfortunately, we have something in common. We're both young widows. John Ritter, one of my favorite comedic actors ever, died on September 11, 2003, leaving Yasbeck and Stella, the couple's young daughter.

Yasbeck went on to create The John Ritter Foundation for Aortic Health and TV Guide did an article on her and the organization. She says,

"John really did heal people with laughter, and more and more, as the days, months and years have gone by, we have been able to choose to transform the grief into something positive."

I admire her the way I admire all other widows, regardless of age. But Amy turned John's death into something more and I know many of you have too, just like I did with this website.

Healing with laughter is a tremendous thing. When I get down, I put on The Odd Couple, Laverne & Shirley, I Love Lucy and Three's Company. I laugh, or try to. It's not always easy, but it does help. Check out the organization or start one of your own.

Living with Loss Magazine

2008-10-08T12:52:00.000-07:00

LIVING WITH LOSS™ Magazine: Hope and Healing for the Body, Mind and Spirit (formerly known as Bereavement Magazine) features articles, stories, poems and resources for the bereaved by grief educators and presenters, facilitators and caregivers, authors and writers, and most important the bereaved themselves.

"Our mission is to offer compassion and hope with the most current resources, tools and perspectives in the bereavement field. Most important, we invite the bereaved to consider alternative and innovative ways to cope with the diverse issues and concerns that make their grief journey unique.

Professionals who are eminent in the field of grief education write regular departments in each issue from their perspectives about their own grief experiences as bereaved parents, siblings, spouses, children, relatives, friends and co-workers. Columnists include Rev. Dr. Richard Gilbert, Rabbi Earl Grollman, Dr. Alan Wolfelt, Dr. Robert Thompson, Nita Aasen, Rachel Kodanaz, Sr. Marilyn Carpenter, Harold Ivan Smith, Dr. J. Shep Jeffreys, Linda Goldman, Harry McDonald, Mitch Carmody, Sandy Goodman, Norm Bouchard, and Editor, Carla Blowey. Department articles present traditional and alternative perspectives, coping techniques and resources that address physical and mental health issues, the psychology of mourning, ecumenical faith and cross-cultural perspectives, the grief of children and seniors, grief in the workplace and even appropriate humor. Topics and articles will present traditional and alternative perspectives, resources and tools for healing the grief that resides in the body, the mind, the heart and the spirit while living with loss."

To order visit www.livingwithloss.com

A Special Guest -- Laurie-Ann Weis

2008-10-01T07:25:00.000-07:00

Laurie-Ann Weis and I have been emailing for quite some time. She lost her husband in 1999 as well, the same year I lost Jeff. Here is her story:

"In 1999, I lost my husband to cancer. I was 47 at the time, and it took awhile to sort through my emotions and gather the strength to face daily living again. I stopped teaching and felt utterly drained of spirit. Then I woke one morning with a new calling; I sat down at the computer and six chapters of my life spilled out of me. This memoir, titled The Water Dance, chronicles my life leading up to the death of my husband and how I managed to endure it. By the time it was published I was back in business teaching, writing, and reaching out to other grievers. My second book, The After Journey, sprang from the connections I made with fellow grievers and shares a collection of insights about the practical everyday things we do daily. In the wake of extreme loss, we’ve learned to get back on track and embrace a new definition of joy. My hope is that my books become useful tools in time of need so each day becomes a smoother ride. There are so many ups and downs during widowhood that I felt like I was on an E-ride at Disneyland and needed to buckle my seatbelt.

Following are two excerpts from each book:

*The books can be purchased on Laurie-Ann’s website www.laurieannweis.com or Amazon or call 1-888-232-4444 (Trafford Publishing).

“The Statement” from the book, The Water Dance:

Sometimes I cannot believe that I am still here in this world, that I am still living, breathing and watching the sun curl around the sky and set over the ocean every day. I know that I am not alone in mourning, for people die every day and leave loved ones behind. Death is one of those sure things in life. But coping with death is a very personal experience—something no other person can share in exactly the same way. Pain and grief become you. Pain takes on a force so ferocious as to take hold of you, shake you and never let you go. Until you accept pain as an emotion to manage, as you would anger, frustration and anxiety, it remains a sword.

…Despite all that I had learned and mastered in my years as a teacher and in my struggle to deal with heartbreaking physical limitations since the car wreck, nothing down that path prepared me for planning my ultimate lesson: How to watch a beloved die and then go on to find joy and to laugh again. That path led me to acknowledge Life’s dirty little secrets—the things we all experience with reluctance but don’t dare speak about them often. Pain, setbacks, heartbreaks, misfortunes, disappointments, and loss are among these dirty secrets that life has for us. The personal journeys we take to get from one point to another are filled with Life’s dirty little secrets, and how we choose to handle them allows us the opportunity to find laughter, joy and happiness in the future even when it seems impossible. They are what make the journey human and unique. Along the way, we love, we breathe, we meet new people, we grieve for what we have lost and we move forward. Always in pursuit of new joy.

This book is for the living.

This book is for all that brings us joy and inspiration.

This book is for all of us who need laughter. . .and a reason to keep on going.

“Wedding Rings” from the book, The After Journey

A few months after my husband died, more pain of singledome hit me in the face. I believed if I moved my rings off my left hand, I was progressing through grief, which was so physically and emotionally consuming that it drowned me. I fought my grief by playing this game with my fingers, hoping that by controlling where I put my ring I’d be able to control the grief. I moved my engagement ring and wedding band to my right hand for a few minutes, then an hour, then weekdays. Every weekend, I moved them back to the wedding finger. Weekends were the loneliest. My friends were all with their spouses and children. I faced suicidal Sundays alone. But if I wore my rings, I felt safer and I belonged again.

Secure in my new living routine, I had the rings resized to fit on the middle finger of my left hand. I put them on proudly and left the jewelry store only to come home, cry hysterically, go back the next day and have the jeweler resize them for my wedding finger.

… What we do with our wedding rings is a very personal issue for each of us. We didn’t ask to be single. We are not divorced. I believe whatever we do in our timeline is right.

~Laurie-Ann

***

I didn’t remove my rings. I can’t imagine why I would want to.

~Joyce S.

I am 27 going on 28 next month. About one year and five months after my husband’s accident, I took off my wedding band and the engagement ring. I kept it in my drawer because I decided to release my husband to the Lord and close this chapter in my life. Closure doesn’t mean to forget him. As for his ring, I actually got it back from the hospital when they gave me his belongings. I decided to wear it for him when he was embalmed and dressed up. I wore it and said to him, “We’ll meet again in heaven” because I still very much wanted him to be my lifetime soul mate. Then I took the ring off and put it on his finger. He was cremated with his ring. After the cremation, I was told the diamond didn’t melt but I never searched through the ashes to find it because my relatives suspected the cremators would have taken it and kept it for themselves. I could have used the diamond and made a pendant for my daughter in memory of her daddy. In hindsight, I have no regrets because I wasn’t myself right after his death.

~Abby S.

Last week I sat in the car and cleaned the cookie dough from my rings. When I finished, I went inside to play cards and my diamond ring was gone. I was devastated. Several people helped me look and look. We tore the car and my purse apart. We looked on all of the steps I had taken getting into the building. I had had that ring for 50 years. I couldn’t be without it now. Then I saw it! I had put it on my other hand! I can’t imagine taking my rings off.

~Lana S.

Widowed twice

2008-09-23T19:24:00.000-07:00

My mom was widowed twice. First, as a young widow when I was six years old. She remarried when I was 13 to a man 18 years her senior. We lost him in 2001. I spoke to another widow recently who was widowed twice. Once younger and once again more recently. The common reaction is to say, "why me???" Losing one spouse is hard enough, but two? Although both my mom and this other widow that I talked to are doing well and came out on the other side of both tragedies, I know it's not always the case.

I asked Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., (pictured left) for advice on what to say to widows or widowers who have had double spousal losses. Tina Tessina is the author of too many books to list here, but here are just a few: It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; How To Be a Couple and Still Be Free; The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again; Gay Relationships, and more. On her website, you can sign up for her free newsletter "Happiness Tips from Tina." She has two new books coming out from Adams Press in 2008: Money, Sex and Kids, and The Commuter Marriage.

Here's what she wrote, "With an experience like this, it's natural to say "why me?" It all seems so unfair. We all know, in our grownup mode, that life is anything but fair. The thing that helps is to focus on what you had. Understand that the most precious things can be the most short-lived. I don't know the circumstances under which this woman's husbands died, but I doubt if any of it is her fault. What she needs to do is take credit for the good life they had together when each of her husbands were alive. The longer we live, the more we lose, and the more we need to learn to grieve. Needing to grieve is like having x number of tears to shed. Don't hold back on crying, let it go, and move through that phase. On the other side is loving memories of time well worth spending."

Good advice. Thanks Tina.

If you live in or near New York City, and stepping out of your box

2008-09-22T09:31:00.001-07:00

Wow. I just didn't step out of my box yesterday, I jumped out. Face it, when our spouses die, our life is completely different -- friendships and families change and we often put ourselves in a box, trying to be kept safe from the world. At times, I like my box -- I just do what I do -- pretty much the same stuff I do all the time. But being a true Gemini that I am (hey, if you're into astrology, although I'm not but I know my sign, you'll know what I mean) at times I have to step out of that box, do something different. At times, I'd like to throw the box away, but for me, it's nice to know it's there when I need it.

So what did I do? I went to a television and film expo in New York City. I always wanted to be a screenwriter -- it's what I studied in college, but life took me down the road of print journalism and then life took a huge twist and dumped me on a totally different road. Now that the kids are getting older and they know my dream, I am 'trying' to get back to it. But the industry has changed and I felt lost. So the expo was there for me to ask questions. That's not the 'jumping out of the box' part. I'll let you in on a little secret -- I've always wanted to be an actor -- just as an extra in a few movies, nothing big. So I actually put my headshot up on "headshot lane" where others can see it. It was in a line of other actors/actresses who had so many credits they needed a second sheet. Me? I only was on television/radio for promotion of my books.

You should have seen me. I was going to chicken out, but I didn't. I did it. I left it there and walked away, going to the seminars and when someone said, "Are you an actor?" (it was on my name card along with "writer") I proudly said, "yes," because it's what I want to be and it's important to put it out there so it happens.

I was excited. I did something toward a dream. We get stuck in our boxes in this new life. Promise me that today you'll step out even just a little bit. Plan a trip, go on a hike when you've never done it before, look for that new job -- something. You'll feel a little better. Trust me.

If you live in or near New York City

Please join Anne Roiphe in a discussion about her book EPILOGUE, about the transition from a woman married to a woman set suddenly adrift. Whether by death or divorce, the end of an intimate relationship is the beginning of a long and difficult journey. You don't have to take it alone.

Where: Barnes & Noble on 83rd and Broadway
When: Wednesday, September 24th
Time: 7:00 pm

Critical acclaim: "...raw, painful and yet occasionally comic memoir of the year and a half following the sudden death of her husband...Roiphe's goal is to detail the bereaved person's efforts to restore the rhythms of a normal, everyday existence after the loss of a spouse..." - The New York Times Book Review

"After her husband's sudden death, Anne Roiphe, nearing 70 had to remake not only her life but her self. Her willingness to expose her uncertainties is brave and moving." - The Boston Globe

"In this deeply honest memoir, Roiphe unabashedly describes her unexpected new life as a widow...Written in a brief, simple style reminiscent of a personal journal...how grueling it is to grieve the loss of a loved one...how grief usually abates, occasionally heals, and sometimes moves us fragile humans to a new, previously unimagined place." - The Philadelphia Inquirer

"In poignant flashes of everyday moments and memories, Roiphe tells an unflinching and unsentimental story of widowhood's stupefying disquiet, of surviving love and living on". - Publishers Weekly starred review

"No one can really prepare a woman for this passage in life, but Roiphe's luminous memoir is a beacon of help and, ultimately, hope." - Booklist

GOOD NEWS -- I HAVE AN EXCERPT FROM ANNE'S BOOK COMING SOON!

Guest Blogger -- Special Dream by Luellen Hoffman

2008-09-15T08:38:00.001-07:00

Native Americans believe that after someone dies, they come back in a dream to a family member to let the family know that they are alright.

I believe this too and this is my story.

My husband Michael was forty-three years old and never sick before he died in an accident in 1994. He was tall 6’3” with dark brown hair and eyes and handsome. He had graduated from Michigan State University in electrical engineering and was the smartest man I ever met. He was the love of my life and we were together for seventeen years.

A few days after the funeral I was sound asleep in my bedroom when Mike suddenly appeared to me. It was like I was conscious and woke-up inside my dream because I could feel his presence instantly when he entered the room and I could see him perfectly clear in the darkness and it all seemed very real and natural. He stood there at the left side of the bed looking straight at me. He did not move from where he was standing and I could tell he was happy, peaceful and he wanted to tell me something, something important, but I was too angry at him for dying so I told him with my thoughts, “to just go away,” and he immediately did. Just like that it was over, but it was very real and very intense the few seconds it lasted.

Now I wouldn’t have shared this dream with anyone if it weren’t for my sister-in-law, Diane who called me a few days later from her home in Michigan. She had taken her brother’s death very hard and was grieving very hard, but now her voice over the phone sounded excited and happy. She told me that Mike had appeared to her in a dream too.

When she told me this I knew exactly right away what she was talking about and then I thought to myself if this is happening in our family, it must be happening in other families too, only no one is talking about it. But what does this mean?

So I started researching dreams and after ten years couldn’t find anything about this type of dream. Then in 2007 I placed small ads in community papers across the nation, asking people if they ever had someone close to them die and then appear to them in a dream. Over three hundred people responded and I collected over one hundred stories about this type of dream experience. It was amazing to see the healing aspect these dreams had on people’s lives. It didn’t matter their age, race, religion or even affiliation with the person who died. At first I thought this is happening only in families, but then I found out it could also happen between friends. The dream stories that were sent to me are amazing because they are love stories and how love never dies, even if we pass on, we still carry love in our hearts and also how we are more connected to each other, our family and friends much more then we realize.

One amazing pattern I saw when reviewing all the dream stories was the one word that was said over and over again by the deceased to the dreamer, and that word was “okay”. I’m ok, or don’t worry everything will be okay. After looking up the meaning of the word “okay” in the dictionary I found that it means safe and good. We do not know where our loved ones go after they die, but from these special dreams, we do know that they are now in a place that is both safe and good.

People are having these dreams only they don’t know what they are, and therefore not talking about them, or sharing them with their family. It is a good part of the healing process and helps those who are grieving and sad.

Check out Luellen's site at www.specialdream.org

Has your spouse appeared to you in a dream? Tell us about it.

Win this! Angel Catcher

2008-09-15T03:37:00.000-07:00

While many of us are familiar with the stages of grief, one cannot fully comprehend the feelings of loss until it is experienced. Angel Catcher: A Grieving Journal (ISBN: 0-8118-6172-4) is a unique and sensitive guide designed to help the reader overcome the loss of a loved one. With a refreshing design, room for photographs and clippings, headings to inspire reflection, and space to record personal thoughts and memories, this keepsake book captures the essence of a special relationship while allowing one to move forward.

Authors Kathy Eldon and Amy Eldon Turteltaub created the Angel Catcher concept while grieving after Kathy's son Dan died tragically in 1993. This revised and updated version includes a new introduction in which the authors share their person stories, and a refreshed, contemporary design with evocative illustrations by Susy Pilgrim-Waters.

They also have a kids version now too. Angel Catcher is a heartfelt and helpful approach to a difficult subject. It is a way to catch - and hold - an angel.

About the Authors
Kathy Eldon and May Eldon Turteltaub are the authors of best-selling journals such as Soul Catcher and Love Catcher, both published by Chronicle Books. They co-founded the Creative Visions Foundation, which supports people who use media, technology and the arts to create awareness of social, environmental or humanitarian issues and effect positive change in local and global communities.

Honestly, I wish I had this journal when I first lost Jeff. I always wanted to journal, but needed guidance as to what to write. This is perfect.

I'm going to give my copy of this book away. If you want to win it, just post a comment -- could be about anything, but ads and spam are not allowed.

thanks!
lisa

Resource for Single Fathers

2008-09-11T12:38:00.000-07:00

Men and grieving -- should they or shouldn't they? Is it a sign of weakness if they do? What about grieving in front of their sons? Is that setting a bad example? Men have been debating this for quite some time. There are some widowers I know who won't shed a tear -- "I want my son to be tough," they say. Others are freer with their emotions, "I want them to know how to handle emotions." My opinion? I firmly believe kids need to see their dads cry and be emotional and work out their feelings.

In book The Complete Single Father, written by Michael Shimberg and Elaine Fantle Shimberg (2007, Adams Media), the authors write, "There's no time limit for grieving...our culture, unlike many others, doesn't have specific rituals for handling grief...forget the myth that says 'men don't grieve.' They grieve alone because they thinking it isn't manly to show emotions...Let your kids know you're hurting too. Otherwise, kids suffer in silence, thinking it's wrong to cry or show your feelings...Your kids depend on you. This is no time to start drinking to forget or start using drugs, over-eating, etc....You may feel anger for being left alone, abandonment (she was the one who kept track of birthdays and social events), and absentmindedness. Be especially careful driving...Watch for depression in your kids (and yourself)...Don't let others remove her things until YOU are ready. They may think they are helping, but you have to be the judge when you're ready...It's not unmanly to seek counseling for yourself and your kids as well."

The book also includes information on:

* Communicating effectively and showing affection
* Making your house or apartment a home
* Remaining consistent while juggling each new day
* Coping with teens
* Balancing work and parenting
* Handling special circumstances involving widowers
* Celebrating holidays, dealing with extended family, and maintaining friendships
* Dating again, raising daughters, cooking foods that kids will eat, fielding common childhood maladies, and more

This is a terrific book for single dads and comes with accompanying website where you can submit questions to Michael (who is a single dad through divorce has has two young children, 5 and 7).

(I'm trying to see if Michael will answer some of your questions in a future post. Feel free to comment with questions and I'll pass them on. Stand by...)

Until next time,
lisa

Trying to SAVE a life...

2008-09-10T18:58:00.000-07:00

As you know, I spend a large portion of my life helping young widows and widowers pick up the pieces after their loved one has gone.

Today, my friends, I am asking you for help to save a life. Or, at least, a house.

My friend, Lori Hall Steele, who is a professional freelance writer and fellow single mom, is extremely ill. To make life even harder, she is on the verge of losing her home. I can't imagine making her move right in the middle of her illness with her (probably) scared young son.

Her friends -- freelance writers, editors and reporters all across the country are taking to their blogs to help raise money for Lori. This isn't a con -- simply Google her name and you'll see what she's written. She's spent her career providing information to help others, now it's our time to help her. Please visit www.savelorishouse.com to read her story and do what you can to donate -- $5, $25 or, if you're fortunate to be able to do more, please do so. It goes right to Lori's mortgage bill.

Thanks so much for listening.

Lisa

"The Long Goodbye" by Carole Jones

2008-09-10T09:16:00.000-07:00

You can now subscribe to these posts -- click on the button located to the left!

After battling breast cancer and struggling through the aftermath of her husband’s tragic accident, Carole Jones emerged a survivor. Today, Carole continues to share her personal experience and faith with widows, cancer patients, and their families. She resides peacefully in Portland, Oregon, with her family.

The Long Goodbye, by Carole A. Jones is a poignant first-person account about two things many women fear the most: breast cancer and the tragic loss of a spouse. It’s a story that raises the age-old question: How does a person hold on to faith when terrible things happen, one after another?

Carole Jones gives an answer—not a simple formula or pat response—but a wisdom refined in the crucible of pain. Her story, The Long Goodbye, is a graceful memoir of her struggle with breast cancer, her husband’s tragic bicycling accident, and the saga that followed as he slowly slipped away in a persistent coma.

How Carole and her family hold on to their faith is a remarkable story, told with piercing candor, grace, and, ultimately, great joy. It is a must-read story for every woman facing cancer or life-threatening illness or for anyone who has lost a spouse.
Available online at Amazon, Target, Barnes & Noble, and IUniverse.

Carole was nice to provide an excerpt of this book for you. It's just another example of a widow who understands and did something positive after everything she's been through. She is dedicated to helping other widows understand what life is like and how you, too, are not alone.

“To Love and To Cherish”

Day after day, life was the same. Tim was either well or he was sick, but other than that, his condition didn’t change. I went to see him every day, usually twice a day, and I washed him, shaved him, combed his hair, gave him a haircut when needed, and then I sat with him. I’d tell him about the kids’ doings, read to him, but mainly I just crawled up on his bed and held his hand or put my arms around him and laid my head on his chest.

I stayed overnight in his room when he was sick. I helped the nurses change him and dress him. I marveled at how our relationship had changed. Tim had always taken care of me, and yes, I had babied him, too, like a lover would. But now, it was as if I had become his mother.

Our kids were living a dual life. They loved and missed their dad, but it had been almost a year and life had gone on. I didn’t want life to stop for them. They were young. Their whole lives were ahead of them. They seemed like well adjusted, happy kids at home, at church, with their friends. But a change would come over them as we drove up to Sunbridge. They became quiet and distant and depressed and walked down the long hallway to their dad’s room looking at the ground.

Even though Sunbridge was a nice facility, my kids still saw shocking things from time to time. I tried to come up with things for them to do with their dad. I said they could read to him or sing, and they would try, but pretty soon their voices would trail off, and they would be choked up with tears. I could relate because often as I sat with Tim and tried to talk to him, I would fight back my own tears. Most often, they would sit and read and not interact with Tim very much. I understood why. Even though they knew that their dad couldn’t help it, they felt rejected by him. He never looked at them; he never talked to them or responded to them. Rae blurted out tearfully one day, “It just doesn’t seem like my dad!”

People who stopped by to visit Tim would often tell us how much Tim had responded to them. Even though we knew that most of the time Tim’s responses were being misinterpreted, we never said anything, but that made the kids feel even worse.

“Everyone keeps saying daddy responds to them. How come he never responds to me?”
I would patiently explain that those well-meaning folks might have been mistaken. I told them, too, that everyone loved their dad and it meant a lot to them to feel like they had a special moment with him.

I finally said to them one day, “I don’t think it is good for you to visit your dad everyday.” They looked at me with shock and began to protest, “No, Mommy, we’re sorry that we’re not more happy there. It is just so sad to see him like this. We’ll act better …”

I said, “You don’t have to feel guilty about this. This is my decision, and I am doing what I think is best for you. You can visit your dad any time you want, but I want you to take a break. It looks like your dad could be like this for a real long time, but I know that he would want you to keep on living. He wants you to grow up and be happy. He knows that you love him. But you need to take a break from Sunbridge.”

The kids still visited their dad frequently, but not every day.

In May, Tim’s leave ran out and his employment with the Department of Defense ended. I was so thankful that we were given so much time to see what would happen with his condition. Things would get “interesting” financially, but I’d just had a crash course in remaining calm. Like the great missionary Hudson Taylor, I had an opportunity to see what God could do.

I sat down one night and, just for kicks, added up all the paid medical bills from the first of the year. I was stunned at the total, and completely in awe of the Lord’s provision. It reminded me of our earlier, leaner years together when Tim supported our family on Guam with just his teacher’s salary.

We always got to the end of the year with the bills paid and no debt, but we really didn’t understand how that had happened. We were both pretty good at math, but two plus two didn’t equal four in our budget. It was more like two plus two equals eight. Another of the Lord’s specialties—multiplying fish and loaves. I thanked God every single day for His faithfulness in providing for Tim and me and the kids.

I was also thankful for Tim’s wacky sense of humor, which was genetically transmitted to all three of our kids. The kids and I had been discussing our situation before prayer time one evening and we finally decided that if things got really tight, we’d just start visiting all the relatives that we’d never visited or imposed upon before!

As the months progressed, God worked on my heart. For some reason, in my heart and in my mind, the anniversary of Tim’s accident became my D-day for God. I felt that if God didn’t move by then, He wasn’t planning on moving. I had been telling Him all along that there were two possible scenarios that I would accept from Him. One was that Tim could get all better or even some better. It would be fine with me if he would just wake up enough to know us. I didn’t mind taking care of him if he was disabled for the rest of his life. I had no life to get back to once this was “all over.” Tim was my life. I loved him, probably even more than ever before, and he needed me.

The second scenario was that God would take Tim to heaven. I wouldn’t even have minded if He let me tag along! Heaven was such an attractive option at this point. There was a third scenario—that God allowed Tim to stay exactly as he was.

Thanks Carole,
Lisa

When am I going to stop feeling this way?

2008-09-03T03:14:00.000-07:00

I got this letter the other day and thought I'd share the question that was asked of me.

"...when does it stop feeling like he's still going to come through the front door, and say it was all a misunderstanding? He worked Monday through Friday 8-5 and when 5:30 rolls around I still expect him home. I hate that feeling more than anything because then I have to remind myself he's dead."

My response, "Absolutely, I would think that he was coming back home. When he died, the baby was 2 and I remember wanting him to get up in the middle of the night, but he wasn't there. I also remember dialing work and then backing off. I would get a feeling that he was on his way home when it was time for him to be and each night it was a kick in the gut to remind myself that it wasn't happening. The feeling slowly goes away, but even now 9 years later, I've occasionally thought "What would I do if he walked in the front door???" (I think I do that when I see movies that make me wonder what that would be like.) It doesn't mean that you are in denial...it's just a stage. In my opinion, it's a stage we have to go through to get to acceptance."

Anyone else?

Inspirational Widows

2008-09-02T10:50:00.000-07:00

I received this from State Farm Insurance: Congratulations to all the inspirational winners! For their courage and dignity in overcoming loss, thirteen men and women from across the United States and Canada were honored by State Farm Insurance at the 2008 Embrace Life Awards ceremony.

State Farm created the Awards program in 2004 to raise awareness for women on how preparing for the future today can help protect families' hopes and dreams for tomorrow. During the past four years, in addition to revealing dramatic stories that demonstrated the value of life insurance planning, the Embrace Life Awards also uncovered heroic stories of perseverance and personal sacrifice of people that bettered their families and communities.

This year's honorees have powerful stories, which exemplify strength and the undeniable will to move on after a loss. As 2008 marks the fifth anniversary of the Embrace Life Awards, State Farm revised the program, encouraging nominations of both men and women, and recognizing a total of thirteen honorees from across the United States and Canada.

This year's celebration began in Chicago where the honorees enjoyed a private dinner with radio personality Dr. Joy Browne and State Farm agents and executives. The celebration continued in Bloomington, Ill. where State Farm recognized the honorees at a formal ceremony and presented each honoree with $10,000 and the Embrace Life Award.

Remarkable People; Inspirations to All:

More than 200 people were nominated for the essay contest for their stories of empowerment after overcoming loss. State Farm chose the thirteen most inspiring people for this year's honorees:

* Carole Brody Fleet, 48, Lake Forest, Calif.
* Nader Dabboussi, 39, Dallas, Texas
* Ellen Lindeman, 40, Hartsville, Pa.
* Nathan Thompson, 23, Ontario, Canada
* Colleen Phillips, 44, Bradenton, Fla.
* Holly Scheie, 51, Billings, Mont.
* Dawn Douchette, 57, Colorado Springs, Colo.
* Clare Stringer, 53, Auxvasse, Miss.
* Mary Baltimore, 56, Gainesville, VA
* Dorothy Frederickson, 68, Holt, Mich.
* Rachel David, 71, Cedar Rapids, Iowa
* James Gillipsie, 79, Cedarville, Ohio
* Wanda Gross, 53, Alpharetta, Ga.

As executive vice president and chief administrative officer of State Farm Life Insurance Company, and a former State Farm agent, Susan Waring has seen first-hand how too many families simply don't take the proper steps to protect themselves today and in the future.

While all have inspiring messages, three of the honorees stand out for their particularly powerful stories of strength and perseverance. Each of the three honorees turned adversity into hope and continue the betterment of themselves, their families and their communities.

Carole Brody Fleet had heard it all from her husband, "Bad things happen to everyone else,"� and "We're too young to worry about life insurance that's for old people,"� until she was widowed at the age of 40 following the loss of her husband to ALS. When Carole first heard these words years ago, she was a wife and working mother, who, rather than insist on having uncomfortable discussions, unfortunately chose instead to nod in agreement and drop the subject. Now, as an author and speaker on widowhood, grief and bereavement recovery, Carole teaches thousands of women how to financially prepare and recover from the possible financial devastation when a spouse dies. Carole also created http://www.widowswearstilettos.com/ to provide advice for widows and create a forum for education, solace and humor. (Carole will contribute a post to this site in the near future.)

Nader Dabboussi lost his young wife Kimberly to breast cancer, just two-and-a-half years after she gave birth to their second child. "Never think a terminal illness or sudden death happens to other people and would never happen to your family,"� says Nader. "Death can come in different manners and at any age. It is imperative to protect families financially with life insurance."� Following Kimberly's death, Nader created the Kimberly Dabboussi Friends and Family Support Fund in her honor, which provides scholarships to families who cannot afford to send their children to the local child development center. Nader also encouraged family members to lose a total of 225 pounds so they would live healthier lifestyles.

Ellen Lindeman's community has been inspired by her amazing story of renewal after she was left to raise two small children when her 33-year-old husband died of esophageal cancer in 2003. Ellen has given her community perspective and teaches its members to embrace life as she has. Ellen always tells others, "Be open to hope, and to be open to help. Pride can get in the way, but everyone going through this, no matter who they are, needs help, financial or otherwise."� Ellen also founded the Ted Lindeman Outreach Foundation, a non-profit fund to help alleviate financial concerns for families who are recovering from the loss of a loved one.

Dr. Joy Browne: Embrace Life Awards Spokesperson, Radio Host and Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Joy Browne, honored as one of the country's 100 Most Influential Talk Show Hosts by Talkers Magazine, is the spokesperson for State Farm's Embrace Life Awards. Dr. Joy brings guidance to her loyal listeners coping with the emotional upheavals people face every day. She also gives advice on everything from marriage and workplace issues to planning for the future.

Dr. Joy addressed the 13 men and women being honored by thanking them for their inspiration and reinforcing the importance of financially planning for a family's future. Dr. Joy discussed how running away from the unpredictable is not the answer, but that people should embrace the future and focus on the things that will help prepare for it.

For more information about the State Farm Embrace Life Awards program and this year's honorees, visit www.sfembracelifeawards.com

Lisa

Another resource...

2008-09-01T04:59:00.000-07:00

I was sent another blog as a resource and although this blog is geared more for parents who have lost children, there are other resources on it as well that you may benefit from.

Be sure to check it out (and come back here too!). I hope it helps.

http://thegriefblog.com/

Until next time, you may be young, but you're not alone.

Lisa

Those hard unexpected days...

2008-08-19T20:36:00.000-07:00

Okay, maybe it's not so unexpected now but back-to-school is always hard for me. It's when I take a look at how big the kids got, another year gone by and how much time has passed since Jeff died.

My son is now taller than I am and heading into high school where he'll join his older sister, who is now a junior. A junior!!!!! Time to think about colleges (see my gray hair! LOL). My "baby" is now as tall as the bottom of my chin and now looks like a tween. She's going into sixth grade, which means middle school next year. Geez!

So that's my hardest time because it's time to buy new sneakers for the bigger feet, new clothes for the taller kids and perhaps meet my new children -- the ones who weren't so into makeup and clothes and suddenly are and now found the opposite sex.

So, for me it's back-to-school that brings on a few sad moments (okay, if I am being completely honest, it brings on a few happy dances too, but shhhhh....). I'll ride this wave, grab some of my favorite coffee, take the day off of work and relax. I guess I'm starting to plan for those unexpecteds now.

What's your unexpected?

lisa

I'm a little concerned

2008-08-14T20:28:00.000-07:00

Lately, I'm getting a lot of emails from from new widows and widowers who are on the verge of being suicidal. I'm concerned so I wanted to talk to everyone out there.

I understand the pain. I remember one night, having dreams (actually nightmares) of what was happening to Jeff's body after I buried him. I couldn't sleep. When I did, I woke up in sweats. I couldn't deal with the pain. I just wanted to dig a hole and climb in next to him. I would often go around telling people, "I wish it was me." "It should've been me." "Why couldn't it have been me?"

While I thought this, I don't recall getting to the point of being suicidal, but I can soooo relate to how these widows/widowers feel. The pain of living without him would be nothing like the pain of anything anyone can put me through, or I can do to myself. I KNOW.

But checking out isn't the answer. I often thought that if I had done that, Jeff would've been pissed at me. Yes, PISSED. I have more to accomplish in this life, even without him. My kids needed me. My family needs me. And even if I didn't have kids, I have found that other widows/widowers need me through this blog and the work I've done. There's a purpose for you. There's a reason. There's a need for you here and you don't see that now, but you will. It may not pop out and bop you on the nose, you may need to go find it, but it's there.

Please don't do anything rash. Cry...write it out...go for a walk...talk to a friend...go see a doctor or a mental health specialist...use antidepressants...go exercise...write on this blog...do whatever it takes to get through this. I'll admit that I was on Prozac when Jeff was diagnosed with cancer. He asked me to go on it. I had suffered from post-partum depression when the kids were young and when he was diagnosed, he asked me to go back on the medication because he saw how upset I was. He thought it would help. I stayed on it for 3 years (or so). It helped me. It might help you. There are other resources that can help you too.

Don't give up! Anybody who expresses suicidal thoughts or intentions should be taken very seriously. Do not hesitate to call your local suicide hotline immediately. Call 800-SUICIDE (800-784-2433) or 800-273-TALK (800-273-8255) -- or the deaf hotline at 800-799-4889.

What would I have done differently that first year?

2008-08-10T18:10:00.000-07:00

So, based on a previous post, I was asked if I would have done anything different that first year that Jeff passed away.

To be honest, that first year was a blur and I can't really tell you exactly what I did that first year -- other than change diapers, get kids off to school and attend therapy. I guess the biggest thing I would've changed was not have talked to any professionals (accountants, construction workers, etc.) about anything that first year. And yes, I made that mistake and looking back, I got taken, MULTIPLE times. So I'm the living example of what you shouldn't do. I got ripped off from a contractor and really didn't make the best decisions financially based on what I thought was good advice from someone I thought I trusted. Unfortunately, it was good advice for him because he made money on it, not me. Big mistakes and sometimes I can see they have led to some major trust issues I have when dealing with professionals today, but I'm working through that. It will take time, but I'll get there. In the meantime, take your time. ONLY do what is required of you, nothing more.

I'll be honest, sometimes I beat myself up too much for the bad choices I made, but I know I can't do that. Instead, I try to make the right decisions now and I've learned so much about myself along the way.

So, that's what I would've done differently that first year. Anyone else?

Until next time, you might be young, but you're not alone,
Lisa

A detour in grief...

2008-08-04T08:57:00.000-07:00

It all started with one question from a friend, "Are you being too picky?"

Yes, I'm doing well. Yes, it's been quite some time since Jeff passed, but every once in a while, I lose it. And I lost it the other day. Why? Well, obviously I'm doing this dating thing and while other widows have succeeded at it and found new relationships, I'll admit that I haven't. I've dated and I like that, but I've hit a dry spell. So what? Well, when you hit a dry spell (for me, anyway) after awhile it takes it's toll. You start thinking, "What's wrong with me?" "Do I have a sign on me that says, 'undateable?'" (Check my back please.) So then I start thinking about the love that Jeff had for me and how sexy he thought I was and how cute and pretty, etc. I realize that I'm entitled to have that again. Yes, I said "entitled." We are all entitled to love. All entitled to companionship. And I realized that maybe I AM being too picky, but aren't I entitled to be? Why should I settle? Settle for the guy who cared only about my bra size and nothing else? (Yes, ladies, he existed.) Settle for the guy who wanted more kids when I didn't? Settle for the guy I'm not at all physically attracted to, simply because he showed interest? Settle for the guy who doesn't like sports or movies (two huge parts of my life) and made fun of my favorite team and player?

No, I won't do it. I want someone who cares about me and is attracted to me and we share the same interests. I don't think anyone should settle.

So, Lisa, how did you lose it? Well, I'll tell you. I got mad. Really mad about the whole situation. I never once, and my friends can tell you, EVER felt sorry for me. But this time I did. The one man who loved me unconditionally and with such passion was ripped from my life and now I'm trying to just find someone who wants to date. How can that be hard?

I was shocked at how I felt. Shocked at how mad I got. Others have it worse than I do, I know, but maybe I just needed to let that all out. Maybe I hadn't done it and needed to. I don't know. Why this past weekend? Why now, so far into my journey? I don't know. Sometimes I don't have all the answers. Sometimes I just sit back and examine my life too much. Sometimes I just want to pretend it all never happened, but of course that's not possible. What I do think is that this is just a reminder to change what's not working for me right now. So I did. I changed what I'm working on, ways I'm trying to meet people and just trying to have some fun. Everything else should fall into place. And, I've taught myself that on this journey, we're all entitled to a little bump in the road.

Just thought I'd share...

Dear Lisa,

2008-07-25T08:11:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd answer a letter I recently received...

I lost my wife of 21 years to lung cancer in November, 2007. I’ve been getting pretty lonely lately and even though the kids are always here for me. It’s not the same. As I’m sure you realized. I met a woman online who lives about 50 miles south of me and we attempted to meet a few times, but I got in the car and got half way and thought "what am I doing?" I feel like I'm being disloyal to my wife. How can I ever expect to carry on any relationship if I cry every time I think of her?

Signed,
Lonely

Well Lonely, I'm so sorry for your loss, but honestly, your wife died not too long ago and your body and mind are telling you you're not ready for a relationship yet. Everybody moves at their own pace -- one widow I know dated right away after her husband died, while another one took several years. Me? I'm a snail's pace. I date occasionally, but nothing major. As for the crying, that's normal right now and over time will start to get a little better. When the time comes that you are ready for that first date with someone new, you should know that you're not being disloyal to your wife. She would want you to be happy. Maybe (if this is what you believe) she's sending you someone to take care of that. You had such a great relationship (that was described in a part of the letter that I removed from the blog) that I know she would not want you to be alone for the rest of your life. She would want to take care of you and make sure you had companionship in your life.

My suggestion, if you decide to meet someone, is not to think of it as the start of a relationship, but as 'meeting a friend.' I think by putting the word "relationship" in it, it puts a lot of pressure on you. Instead, go out, have coffee, join a group where you meet other like-minded people. Make friends. The pressure is off and if a relationship is going to happen, it will happen. When YOU are ready.

As for me, I'll never forget Jeff even if I am in a serious relationship with someone. Honestly, he's a part of my life, my history and my being that I'll never forget. I used to think it stunk that I had to date again and be in this situation. Now I try to keep the 'friends' thing in mind and just get out in the world. Everything else falls into place.

Lisa

Welcome Trey Ellis! Stories from a single-father

2008-07-21T12:11:00.000-07:00

Several months ago, I read one of Trey Ellis' essays and laughed the whole way through. He is the author of "Bedtime Stories: Adventures in the Land of Single-Fatherhood." He also runs his blog here and his website is here. I contacted Trey and asked him for an excerpt of the book for this blog and he was wonderful enough to send me one (below). No matter how he got there, he's a single father like many of our single fathers on the site here and he understands how hard it is. And he makes it funny, insightful, and poignant. Most importantly, he's a successful single father who shows other single fathers that it can be done and done well. Please purchase his book if you're a single father of for a single father you may know. Thanks Trey!

Bedtime Stories
Trey Ellis

Sure, I got some pity right after she left us, but not nearly as much as I deserved. You'd have thought that all those moms at my daughter's preschool would have been lining up with casseroles for a newly single dad like me, but no. After I put Ava and her baby brother, Chet, to bed, more often than not I ended up either microwaving a Healthy Choice hospital-quality frozen dinner or nuking whatever was left from what Lucia, Chet's nanny, had fixed him for lunch that day, washing it all down with a few juice boxes (they're so small!) on the couch in front of HBO. Taxicab Confessions is one of my favorite shows, with cameras hidden all over the back of a taxi giving us a glimpse into the real lives of late-night drunken tourists. I often fantasize about having cameras installed all over my home so people can see how I live, see what an attentive father I am. Over the course of the season, viewers would also discover the other hurdles I've vaulted: my cranky kidneys, the deaths of my parents, it would become the breakout reality show of the season. In my fantasy, emailed (re)marriage proposals would soon be spamming my inbox.

BEDTIME STORIES: "Daddy! Daddy! Come quick!" (Season Premiere)

"Daddy! Daddy! Come quick!"

As fast as a fireman, and not yet fully conscious since it is 4:15 in the morning, I trip toward my kids room while trying to hop into the legs of my sweatpants. Their bathroom light is on and inside it looks like Aerosmith just stayed there: wet, unspooled toilet paper hanging from the medicine cabinet, an entire bottle of deliriously overpriced Mustela baby shampoo puddled on the toilet seat cover. My (almost) two-year-old son is standing in the middle of the wreckage looking confusedly at me. I only learn later, after interrogation, that his sister had to pee in the night and forgot to shut the bathroom door with the child proof plastic bulb over the knob. She
then went back to bed, only to be awakened a little later by her brother's celebration. Why Chet was out of bed at four in the morning I don"t know and never will. He still holds the pot of hair gel that he generously applied to all parts of his face and much of his hair. Devo had less product in their hair. Trying to wipe away the goop only applied it more evenly, so I gave him a warm bath, and by a little after five I was back in my bed, ready to be up again at seven to get Ava to preschool.

BEDTIME STORIES: Chet Leaves a Present (Episode Five)

I wake up to discover both kids naked and scampering happily around their room. They look like rare, almost mythical forest mammals that I feel privileged to be glimpsing in the wild. At first the vision compels me to smile. Then I start to wonder what has become of Chet's diaper and notice two little brown stains on his tiny bed. Not too disgusting. I've seen worse. A quick wipe with a wipe, a spritz with the Spray 'n Wash, and I pitch the sheets into the dirty clothes. The diaper itself I discover under his bed, miraculously immaculate.

I give the kids a bath, fearlessly washing, conditioning, and detangling Ava's dramatic mass of hair like a junior José Eber. Their naked splashings, Ava's querie, "Daddy, why can't I marry Chetty when I grow up?", all make me feel like the luckiest parent in the whole wide world. Those boring, ordinary, two-parent households have to share indelible moments like this. I get to greedily hoard them for myself without having to compromise with a significant other who might feel that maybe kids shouldn't be encouraged to see who can burp the loudest or play Wiffle ball in the middle of the living room. In my house I am the tsar. Trey the Terrible.

I am smiling at these happy thoughts as I walk back into their bedroom. Suddenly I stop. Just next to my foot, on the carpet between an overturned baby stroller and a naked, headless black Ken doll with amazingly ripped abs, looms a mountain of turd nearly as large as my son. I pull Chet out of the bathtub and bring him to the cairn of shit. I don't think he ever looked cuter.

Do not take your diaper off.
Do not leave piles of crap all over the place.

It is getting too complicated, so I mid course correct to get back on message. Do not take your diaper off. I haven't had a dog since I was five, but I have seen people training them, so I model my tone of voice on theirs. Chet just smiles and nods , his thumb as always plugged into his mouth, his index finger hooking his nose.

"Mommy- Daddy, Mommy- Daddy."

That's what he called me when he first started talking, a little over a year after she left.

I love it. I loved it in the moment and I love the anecdote it instantly became. I imagine, thanks to my show, that all the world has witnessed me heroically cleaning up the crap and spraying carpet cleaner on the carpet; that all the world has observed that I haven't strangled my son, raised my voice, or even just slapped him around a little. I imagine I would be a shoo-in for Father of the Year. Being black wouldn't hurt my chances either, since American men of my race are more renowned for our absence than our presence.

I even fantasize an elaborate and televised ceremony, warm and funny speeches, my (feigned) embarrassment at all the attention. I imagine my kids at my side, spit-shined and radiating the pure joy of the well-parented child. Bill Clinton on behalf of the Children's Defense Fund gives me the award, as golden and as weighty as an Oscar.

Five years later I'm still waiting for that award. Instead, that night, after giving the kids a bath, brushing their teeth, telling them a story, and singing them a song, a loneliness so great it threatened to swallow me whole would swell inside me. Every night before going to bed myself I would re orient Ava on her bed and pick Chet up off the carpet. He was too big for a crib but flopped around too much to stay in his toddler bed, even with a guard rail, so I had moved his mattress to the floor. More nights than not I'd find him sleeping face down on the carpet, sometimes as much as five feet from where I'd first laid him. I'd carefully work my arms under his warm, chubby body, and he'd squirm, groan, and smack his lips yet rarely wake up as I gently placed him back on his bed. Sometimes I myself would lie down on the carpet, breathing in the warm silence of their room, tempted to sleep there all night.

Click here to purchase the book at Barnes and Noble.com
It is also available at Amazon and Borders.

I'm baaaaccckkk!

2008-07-18T06:14:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a little more than a month since my last post. I can't even begin to explain how crazy my life was over the past 10 weeks or so. As many of you know, I am a professional writer (it's how I make my living) and I write a lot about building, remodeling, property management, etc. A writer friend of mine was writing a book on green building and remodeling when she got very very sick and needed to give up her work. Her agent contacted me to complete the job she wanted to do and I was more than willing to take it on. However, it meant writing almost 100,000 words in less than 8 weeks. That also meant getting my other assignments completed as well, which was the last finishing touches on another book (a school biography book on Ellen DeGeneres). I had to take this assignment, but it meant sitting at my computer until it was done. Just so you know, many writers can take up to a year to write 100,000 words. I had 8 weeks! Plus I had to get pictures for this book too. Soooooo....weeks later, the job is done and I am suffering from serious carpal tunnel in my left elbow that I'm working on fixing and digging out from piles of mail, unanswered emails, a messy house (not that messy, the kids were very helpful), and other stuff I hadn't gotten to, including my blogs! (I'll keep you posted on the book too!)

Smack in the middle of all of this was the 9th anniversary of Jeff's passing (and father's day and his birthday). On July 8, 1999 I lost my beloved hubby, father of my children. The kids were all at camp and I decided not to make a huge deal out of that day. I took ONE day off of work to go to a casino about an hour away. Just me, nobody else (my friends asked me why I went by myself and I said that I wanted to, everyone was working and I just wanted 'me' time). So I'm driving down and I know the exit I have to get off of is near the gym where Jeff and I met. I know I have to pass it and I haven't seen it in quite some time so I know it's going to get to me. So I start talking to myself. I entitle myself to be happy that day. Happy about the love he gave me, happy about having such a special person in my life, happy for our children, happy for the silly voices he did -- just plain happy. I didn't want to cry. I wanted to remember when we met and how he came up from behind me at the gym and asked if my boyfriend would mind if he nibbled on my ear (great line, by the way). I told him I had no boyfriend and he walked away. That weekend we started dating. It was all coming back like a movie I was watching in my head.

I get off the exit and make the left toward the casino. Several traffic lights are ahead before I get to the next turn I have to make. I stop at a red light. Right.in.front.of.the.gym! Not the light before it or after it, or two down, but right AT the gym. And it took forever to turn green. So I looked at the gym, but I didn't cry. Instead, I said "You're saying hi to me. Hello! Love you!"

The light turned green and I was on my way. I stopped by and looked at (from the outside) my old apartment that I lived in when we first met. I headed to the casino and lost my money (then I cried! LOL, only kidding...). I actually enjoyed myself for a bit and just felt like it was some 'me' time. I headed back home a few hours later. After camp, the kids and I talked about the day and we're heading to the cemetery this weekend to plant new flowers.

I'm glad to be back; the posts will be more regular next week. I hope you are all doing okay and trying to enjoy some nice summer weather. Today, I pick up my little one (she's 11) from sleepaway camp. She's been there since Sunday. I really miss her.

Until next time, you may be young, but you're not alone.

Lisa

Every once in a while, we just need to laugh...

2008-06-11T19:32:00.000-07:00

My Jeff always made me laugh -- from the voices he did (Scooby, Donald Duck, etc.) to the comedians he would listen to and then imitate, he was filled with smiles.

June 23rd would have been his 46th birthday. In honor of him, I want to make you laugh with another Jeff...I hope you smile a little bit today. (P.S. It's clean humor with the except of a cuss word or two.)

http://youtube.com/watch?v=GM9QtSRNiS8

An article of interest for you...

2008-06-05T19:58:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been awhile and I'm so sorry. I love blogging and I miss this! I'm THISCLOSE to being done with my book. Of course, it's that time of year when the school recitals are taking place so tonight I saw Samantha play violin. Last week, I saw Travis and his amazing jazz band! Tomorrow my daughter reads from her story she wrote and was chosen for her school literary magazine. There's end of the year parades, picnics, field trips and more. My son graduates junior high, so there's meetings for high school and more! Yeesh! The kids are counting down to summer. I'm not ready. I don't think I ever am truly ready although this year I promised myself I'd slow down a bit and not get so stressed out trying to work and have some fun.

I plan on visiting Jeff's family for a few days this summer. It's always hard to go back there, but I am going to try. I often wish it was different and that we got to see each other more often, but I'm lucky that we're still in touch with each other (to some degree anyway -- nobody except my sister-in-law writes or calls...everybody else just hears about the kids through her). Some people have asked me why I do it? Because I know Jeff would want me to (and I want to) and I'll keep trying as long as the relationships are still there.

Just a reminder to everyone to take care of yourselves PLEASE. My stomach ache this week was a reminder that sometimes I just stress myself out too much and it's time to slow down a bit. Please make sure you take care of yourself!!!!!

Here's a great article about someone who is really helping others..I wish I could do something like this nationally (one day maybe).

http://www.phillyburbs.com/pb-dyn/news/111-06012008-1542250.html

Hang in there, I'm almost back!

2008-05-21T13:19:00.001-07:00

I have about two more weeks of a crazy writing schedule trying to meet a major deadline -- I'm the author of an upcoming book on green building and remodeling -- and I'm trying hard to peek in and write to all of you. I swear I'll be back by the beginning of June on a regular basis!

Hope you are all doing well enough and thanks for the emails asking me if I'm okay. Much appreciated!

Until next time, remember you might be young, but you're not alone!
Lisa

Spousal Bereavement Study by Purdue University

2008-05-14T08:00:00.000-07:00

I received this study request from Purdue University. I've
already taken it. I know you all have much more important
things going on, but if you could spare 15 minutes, this
information might end up helping future widows/widowers. 
Thank you.
Lisa

Have you experienced the death of a spouse?

If so we want to hear from YOU.

Researchers at Purdue University are conducting a study to learn more about
what individuals experience when a spouse dies.

Sharing YOUR experiences has the potential to benefit others. Completing this
study will assist researchers and individuals in the helping professions (e.g.,
counselors) to better understand and serve people who have experienced the
death of a spouse.

To participate, just click on the link below or copy and paste the link to your
web browser. The link will direct you to an information letter then to the
survey. The survey will take 15 minutes to complete.

https://research.education.purdue.edu/surveys/go.asp?id=MWI

Responses will only be seen by the Purdue researchers and one computer
specialist in order to maintain the confidentiality of responses. All data will
be managed and shared as summations with no individual ever identified. All
information will be kept completely confidential and not shared with anyone.
Only summary data will be reported.

Let your voice be heard!

Thanks for your time,

Michael A. Wilkins
Counseling Psychology Doctoral Candidate
Purdue University

Checking in...Mother's Day

2008-05-09T03:55:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to check in and see you all were doing...I am feverishly working on two book projects that are due by the end of the month. A little overwhelming, yes??? LOL But hey I love this life and I love being a writer. By taking on this work, I'm hoping to finally cut back 'just a little' over the summer, so my summer is a little easier with the kids and we can enjoy more time together.

This weekend is Mother's Day and I know I have some guys who read this blog and have lost their wife, mother of their children. I also know I have several women who have lost their same sex partners and have turned to this site for help too. I wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and I hope this weekend allows you to smile a little bit and remember everything that she meant to you.

We should all remember our own mothers this weekend -- those who are and aren't with us. My mom is very close to me -- both literally and emotionally. She lives right downstairs and helps me with the kids when I need it so that I can work and do what I need to do. She's an amazing cook, baker, and my best friend. I just want to acknowledge her today and thank her for giving me what she does and being such a great grandma to the kids.

To those women who are now widows and single moms, a special nod to you. I'm in your shoes and it wasn't an easy road. You have all my love, support, understanding and gratitude for doing the great job that you're doing. Sunday is a day for you. If you don't have anyone to buy you something or do something for you, then do it for yourself. Order a pizza and rent a movie for the kids. Take the day off. No cleaning or laundry for one day. Rent a movie for you for after they go to bed. Order a bouquet of flowers. Go shopping and buy your favorite coffee on the way. Like rollerskating? Go rollerskating. Have a fave restaurant? go there (although on Mother's Day it can be more expensive). Just remember it's YOUR day! HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs... since the payment is pure love.
- Mildred B. Vermont

Until next time,
Lisa

Happy Birthday My Little Peanut!

2008-05-01T06:33:00.001-07:00

Eleven years ago today, our baby Samantha was born. She's the youngest of three and it's hard to believe that 11 years has gone by and almost 9 since Jeff died. Does anyone do what I do -- when it's a birthday, I mentally subtract their age from when Jeff died to see how many years he's "missed." Then I get all sappy and weepy and keep telling myself I know he sees all of them and how beautiful they are inside and out. I know other widows/widowers who do the same thing.

She's celebrating today with us and on Saturday with her friends. She invited five of her closest friends who are crazy over Webkinz for a Webkinz-themed party. That includes a new Webkinz doll for her of course (plus two video games she wanted and a brand new bowling ball since she didn't have a big party!) and Webkinz games and punch and cake. All-in-all a pretty simple party to do.

Next week, I have to stop back to the cemetery and add new flowers for the spring. I'm putting in pretty fake ones because I'm tired of replacing what became the animal's lunch. LOL.

Still working on two major book deadlines so my May is pretty shot, but I'm grateful the work is coming in. In the meantime, today is all about Samantha. I remember when she was little, she was VERY talkative. As a 2-year-old she would take any big word she could find and use it in a sentence just to use it. So she might come up to you and say, "I differentiate you." LOL No kidding. She had no idea what it meant, but if she used it she was proud of herself. After Jeff died, and the kids went back to school, it was just me and her for a few years. We went shopping, to the movies, playdates and just hung around. Blues Clues was a lifesaver for me those years. Funny how I actually miss hearing that in my house. Time flies....

Happy Birthday To Daddy's "Punkin" and My "Little Peanut!"

Love you!
Mommy

Saying goodbye to a special part of Jeff

2008-04-24T20:24:00.000-07:00

I donated Jeff's clothes (and kept some), given away mementos (and kept some) divided up his favorite things with the kids (and kept some) and put some of my favorite keepers in a trunk.

About three weeks ago, however, I said goodbye to very special part of my husband's life -- his comic book collection. When I met him, his routine on Friday's would be to go to the local comic book store after work and get the comics that the owner was holding for him in his 'cubby' there. He probably spent a few hundred each month. He loved his comic books -- I couldn't touch them the wrong way, had to put them back in the right sleeve and couldn't tap the top because it jeopardizes the value of the comic book. He would talk about the storylines although I knew nothing about it. He read each and every one, sometimes multiple times.

When he died, I swore that these comic books would go to my son. I tried several times to get my son hooked on them, but it just wasn't his thing. So I kept them in (the correct) boxes and stored them. I even tried to Ebay some of them, but trying to sell thousands of comic books online was an arduous task. I knew nothing about comic books and even though the books told you a little, it was just too much. So, again, they sat.

Then a close friend's brother reminded me of his love for comic books. It's a bigger love than my husband had and he asked to see the collection. It wasn't too old and there were some gems here and there, but he wanted it. He wanted to buy Jeff's entire collection. I didn't know what to do. It's like giving away such a big part of him and although I had thought about it before, I wasn't sure how I'd react when I finally got an offer.

If it had been anyone else, I wouldn't have sold them. But I knew they were going into the right hands. I knew they would be cared for the way Jeff would want them cared for. I knew the time it would take me to do this on my own just wasn't feasible for me. I knew I was ready and knowing that they were going to someone who would treat them right, made my decision a comfortable one.

So I sold them -- more than 2000 comic books. And I felt weird when the boxes left the house. And I cried a little later that night -- not because I regretted my decision, but because I felt like I grieved for another part of Jeff all over again. I miss him. I miss the comic books not being here and I miss seeing him with that little boy excitement when he got his most recent batch and couldn't wait to get home to read them. I wish one of my children had been interested, but I can't make them. We sat and talked about this decision before I made it. I wanted to know if they wanted the comics. I wanted to know how they felt -- were they going to come back to me one day and say, "Mom why did you sell them? I wish you hadn't." I told them this was their chance. I needed to know. And although they were young, they made the decision that they were ready too. They looked at them and read a bit of them, but it was time and they were content with their decision.

There's a big space where the comics used to be. No matter what I fill it up with, I'll know what used to be there and X-Men (his favorite) will always be part of my heart. Oh, one of these days I'm going to take a photo of the superhero artwork he used to do. He has a huge X-Men painting that looks incredibly real. I look forward to sharing them with you.

Thanks for listening,
Lisa

Latin dancing and Double O

2008-04-20T08:00:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'll say it -- most of my friends are married and I still don't get invited out much. Oh sure, I get invited to Moms-only events, Ladies-only nights out or events where my kids are invited, but if John and Suzie or Mary and Tom are going out, well, they go out and my phone doesn't ring. I've gotten kind of used to it over the years. I'm not in a relationship right now so it still happens. I date occasionally but nothing spectacular. So I made the proactive decision to join groups to get myself out of the house. I thought, "Why am I waiting around for friends to ask me to do something?" (Oh, by the way, yes, I've asked my friends to do stuff and guess what ends up happening? ONLY the wives show up!) There are others in my boat too, so why not join them?

So I heard about Meetup.com (nope, not getting any money by mentioning them) and I joined several groups in my area (movie lovers, singles groups and what they call "friends" which can be married and singles). We've gone bowling, to a comedy club -- that was so much fun -- and last night one of the groups went out to dinner and then to see a Latin band and go Latin dancing.

When I got to dinner (we went to the Double O Grill), the 40+ singles Meetup group I joined really was more like 55+. "Okay, Lisa, stick it out, you're here," I thought to myself. I knew I didn't have anything in common with them and I could've turned around and left at that point. But I didn't. Besides, I really wanted to see the Latin group and I was starving. I spoke to the people who were there and learned a little about them and they were nice. Not exactly people I'd call up to go do something with and some of them didn't go dancing, but I didn't think of it as "I'm going to meet a man here." I thought of it as "I'm getting out of the house and I'm meeting new people." LOL.

So we headed over to the lounge and the band performed about 45 minutes after we got there. Wow! Those people who hit the dance floor could move! This was so out-of-the-box for me that I just watched for a bit and moved a little on the floor.

When I left, I realized I followed through with something that could've been very uncomfortable for me and I had a nice time just being out of the house. So, for those who are ready, you may want to look into a Meetup group. Why do I like it? You can sign up only for what you want to do and what fits your schedule. I'm not a hiker, so I didn't sign up for a Sunday morning hike, but I've done bowling and plan on seeing movies and going to another venue to listen to music. You can leave when you want and take it one step at a time. You can also start one in your area, so if you're looking to meet more widows/widowers, this might be the way to go. They have clubs for book lovers, moms, exercise, singing, and more. Too many to mention here actually.

IF YOU ARE READY, and for those of you who are interested, take a chance and sign up for ONE thing...and do your best to see it through. I'm not asking that you go out and meet a man/woman for a relationship. That's not what this is about right now. This is about taking that first step into living again.

Next week, we're going back to the comedy club!

Lisa

USA Today Artice, 9/11, and a turning point in faith

2008-04-18T06:15:00.000-07:00

I've been blessed to talk to many widows and widowers since I started my website and this blog. One such widow, Jennifer Sands, was one of many women who lost her husband on September 11, 2001 in the attacks on the World Trade Center. I interviewed her when she wrote her first book, "A Tempered Faith: Rediscovering Hope in the Ashes of Loss" and she has since gone on to write, "A Teachable Faith: Learning from God in Everyday Life.

In her books, Jennifer explains how this lost tested her faith and how she got it back again. My faith was also tested when I lost Jeff and even though I'm still providing religious education for my children through their church, I have heard them say (only occasionally) "I don't understand how God took daddy away," "I'm mad at God today," or "I don't want to go to church because God took daddy away so why should I go." Well you know, sometimes I felt the same way. I worked my way back too and when I read Jennifer's book I realized it's not that hard to do. What is my belief about what happened to Jeff? Agree or disagree if you'd like, but this is how I thought about it and what I taught my children -- God didn't take Jeff away. Cancer did. God gave him a place to be peaceful when the cancer took over his body and the doctor's couldn't fix it anymore.

Of course this doesn't explain everything to my children, but it helps. We also believe -- here's a fun one for you -- that Jeff's job in heaven is to paint the sky. He was a fabulous artist and when we see an amazing sunset or interested cloud pattern, we say "that's daddy doing his job." Now my kids are older and two are even teenagers and they understand science and what the sky is all about, but when it's just us on a drive or a walk -- well, we like our explanation better.

Anyway, Jennifer and other widows from the September 11th tragedy have been interviewed in a USA Today article. Click here and check it out.

Until next time, you may be young, but you're not alone.
Lisa

I don't understand teenagers...

2008-04-13T19:51:00.000-07:00

and this time I'm not talking about my own (LOL). I found out that teenagers are going into the cemetery where Jeff is buried and destroying the equipment they are using to help make some repairs. Fortunately, they haven't touched the headstones, but do they have ANY idea what it does to someone to know how close they are to having their loved ones resting place vandalized? My kids were so upset to hear about this and we had to run right over and double check that all was okay. It's disturbing, but I'm glad all was okay.

Today, I also want to give a huge THANK YOU to all of you who raise money for any cause. Most importantly, I want to give a shout out to my sister-in-law Kelly (Jeff's brother's wife) who has worked so hard in a small town in Pennsylvania -- Kane -- to raise so much money for the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life after Jeff died. She said she won't stop, especially since she's known more people since Jeff died who have had cancer, have cancer or who have died of cancer. She's sick of hearing that word and so am I.

Please help out someone who is walking/running the Relay for Life this year or join and conduct your own fundraiser. It's an amazing experience. Tough for those of us who lost our loved ones to cancer, but still an amazing experience.

If you'd like to tell me your story about your loved one who died of cancer, I'd like to hear it.

Until next time,

You may be young but you're not alone.

lisa

What to do with the ashes?

2008-04-11T06:20:00.000-07:00

This letter was posted in response to one of my blogs, so I'm moving it here and I'm hoping that some of you who have cremated your loved one can help. Jeff was not cremated (although after the fact, months later, I remembered a very brief comment he said about 'maybe' wanting to be cremated...I can't remember!!! See, we always go through feelings of guilt about many things.

Here is the letter:

I'm 38 yrs old. My name is Cathy. My kids are 9, almost 6 and 2 (all boys). we lost their dad on October 26th. He was in a plane crash in British Columbia. He was on his way home with his dad after completing the final stage of his architectural exams and he became a registered architect that day. I am 5.5 months out and I just spent 2 weeks with them at spring break. The weirdest moments bring up issues for them. My 9 year old is obsessed with the fact that we cremated his dad. I am having a difficult time with that because I keep repeating that this is what his dad wanted. I haven't told them that their dad's remains are in my BEDROOM! I can't imagine. I am looking for ideas about memorials and what to do with the ashes. I don't want to spread them, I don't want to really part with them.. so I don't know what to do. any help would be great.

Dear Cathy,
First, I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm glad you found my site. I hope it has helped you a bit. Of course, when it comes to our children, we need to give them information they can handle at their age. If your son is obsessed with the cremation, it might not be the best time to show him where the remains are. However, depending on how he is obsessing, it might help him to know more about it. I remember when my dad died when I was a kid, I obsessed quietly in my mind about the body -- what happened to it, what was going on under ground, etc. I'm thinking if I talked to my mom about it, she might've answered my questions and put some of my fears at ease. Again, it depends on what you feel is best for your son.

I'm not sure how to do a memorial with ashes, so I'm turning this over to our readers and hope they can add some input. My thoughts -- first, you may want to include your children in on this special event. They'll always have a memory of what they did for Daddy. Second, it does depend on the laws of where ashes are allowed to be scattered, but is there something special that your husband loved to do? A special place he loved to be? That might help you think about what to do. You can invite friends, family, coworkers to help you or it can be an intimate thing for you and the kids -- what do you feel up to doing?

I also found this link -- it might help you.

Most importantly, please know that you can take your time and figure this all out. Don't let anyone rush you into making decisions.

Thanks for writing and please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.

P.S. I am sending you the book What on earth to do when someone dies? book for posting a comment. I hope it helps.

Lisa

P.S.: Like this blog? Please vote for it for the Blogger Choice Awards -- http://www.bloggerschoiceawards.com. You do have to sign up for a free account to vote, but I would greatly appreciate it. The more exposure this site gets, the more it can help other widows/widowers. Thank you.

Can you help out a good cause?

2008-04-09T06:01:00.000-07:00

In this column, I talk about helping other widows or widowers, but this time I'd like to talk about a friend of mine who is trying to have her life saved. Lori Hall Steele is an amazing freelance writer. She's been sick with a 'mysterious' neurological condition. At first the docs thought she had Lyme Disease, and she's also been tested for other conditions too, including Guillian Barre Syndrome. They are still trying to find out what's wrong. Lori can't work anymore. She can't write anymore because she's THAT sick. As a matter of fact, I just took over one of her projects.

You know what the kicker is right? Her insurance company has denied all coverage due to a pre-existing condition (you listening presidential candidates?????). Lori is tapped out financially and doctors are still searching for a cause to her condition. Her friends, like me, are trying to help with fundraisers. Whatever you can do, we'd greatly appreciate it. I know you don't know Lori, but just know that this donation is helping Lori directly --- no organizations, no overheads, no committees -- it goes straight to Lori. Can't help financially? Spread the word please.

Read this article in the Grand Traverse newspaper to find out more.
Another friend of mine, Kristen Hains, has posted this on her Facebook page.

This time it's personal. Can you please help?

Lisa

What on Earth Do You Do When Someone Dies? Win a copy

2008-04-02T13:46:00.000-07:00

I was cleaning part of my office today and was looking at all the books I have on grief and bereavement. I liked this one. This book, What on Earth Do You Do When Someone Dies by Trevor Romain is on how children cope with grief. I have to admit that I'm not one to be at a loss for words. Even the night I told them that Jeff had died the words just came out (not easily, but they came out). Since then, I've been asked many, many questions about death and grief. They had questions about his body, the ground, heaven, the funeral (which I didn't take them too -- they were 6, 4 and 2 and that's not how I wanted them to remember Jeff. Instead their last day with him was in the hospital the day before and they played with him) and a bunch of other things.

For those of you who are at a loss for words, or are looking for an easy way to answer your child's questions, this is a great start. It has Trevor's versions of answers to:

* Why do people have to die?
* Am I going to die, too?
* Who can I talk to?
* What is it like to die?
* Is it my fault?
* Is it okay to have fun?
* How can I say goodbye?
* What happens now?

and more...

Read it together or turn to it when your child has a question. Either way, it's a small book jammed with a lot of information and.....

I'm giving my copy away.

Simply post a comment here -- tell me about your children, your loved one, or just say hi and tell me how you're doing and you'll be entered to win it. You have until April 9th to do so. Then I'll choose a name out of a hat and I'll contact you to let you know you won. If you feel comfortable doing so, put your email address in the comment (you can write it out like this lisawriter (at) msn (dot) com so spammers can't get it. I don't take any responsibility however. Just trying to make the process easier.

I hope everyone is doing well. Me? I'm doing well but have had a few dreams about Jeff recently. I'm glad, but it makes me a bit sad too. Two of my three children are now TALLER than I am! Both are looking into getting jobs and one is getting college brochures now! So I'm still cuddling my 10-year-old, who isn't too far behind (my chin sits on her head now without bending down). But she's still young enough to play with stuffed animals, Webkinz and Bratz dolls. She loves Dylan Sprouse (Disney fame) but isn't into boys yet. When we saw "Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day" the (unexpected) man's butt shot elicited a huge "ewwwwww" out of her and her friends. Phew. I still have a little time left. I plan on enjoying it.

Mouth-runneth-over and more good stuff...

2008-03-28T04:01:00.001-07:00

It's been a crazy few weeks and next week I'll start to see the light.

Yesterday, I spent the day at the National Publicity Summit, an event where people who are trying to get the media's attention for their new product/service/book, etc., meet media people like me and spend time pitching us their idea. I like attending this event because often I come home with ideas that can help you. This year, so far I met:

* more grief counselors who will provide tips and suggestions on coping with your grief and what to do for your children
* experts on single parenting
* experts on time management (life for us gets crazy so why not learn how to handle it better)
* owners of a business that makes the cutest jewelry that makes a great keepsake of your spouse's memory (they are working with me on either a discount for my readers or a free giveaway, so stay tuned!)
* several widows and widowers who really have great stories to tell. Some time after her husband died, one young widow wanted a career and decided to work on a screenplay (okay, granted, it's not the easiest route!) but the screenplay was bought and made into a movie! We'll meet her and see how she found the courage to move forward and how she brought attention to another plight in the world in her movie (which was released and is available for viewing).

So once I clear this next week and finally finish two major projects, we'll be back on track for regular postings and some great information. I'm looking forward to sharing it with you.

But, on the downside, I'm still dealing with friends who say stupid things. One such friend seems to just be on a roll, so much so that I have to schedule a time to talk with her about her tact before we lose the friendship. So what happened? Well, I date, but I'm not in a relationship. I don't traipse guys back and forth in my house either because I have two very impressionable young daughters at home and a young son who needs to learn how to treat women. When I meet a man who I want to introduce to my children, then they'll see my home. Until then, I'll conduct my business privately. So, "mouth-runneth-over" and I share a hobby together where we meet once a week. We are coming to the end of the season and there is a banquet, so I ask her whether or not she's bringing her husband and she says no. When I hesitate afterwards, she says with such a condescending attitude, "Oh you're not thinking of bringing someone. You? You would never bring someone. You don't have a date. Come on now." Our other partner on the team we are on chimes in with how I can call one of those 800-services to get a date and they both start laughing and continue the joke. Me? I found it extremely tasteless.

This isn't the first time her mouth-runneth-over. The other day I was admiring candles in her home and told her how I'm not a candle person and I saw this candle wall hanging that is meant to go over the bed but I would never use it. What I meant by that was, I'm not a candle person and I wouldn't put a candle on, even for romantic reasons (I never have), and chance that I would fall asleep or forget about it. It's just not me. So right in front of one of my children and a friend and her child she says, "Oh, Lisa will be the one alone with a book and the candles going." Alone?????? (Okay, now maybe you can't hear HOW it was said, but it was said with this air that I would be alone later in my life reading a book in bed with the candles going and, naturally, with no man. Even my other friend hesitated to say something afterward sensing the ridiculousness of what she had just said.)

This is the same -- married -- woman who never invites me out when she goes out with her friends, never invites me to do anything and when I told her one time that I was frustrated with the situation of a man I'm very attracted to, her answer was, "yeah, sexually." What??!!! Where do people get the nerve? I would NEVER say anything like that to anyone. So let's review -- this friend of mine, who has been a long term friend and someone my daughter calls 'godmother' -- thinks I'm alone and sexually frustrated. Have you heard that before? Oh but yes, I have told her about my social life (although it never seems to include an invitation to do anything with her, or trying to set me up with anyone), but after trying to tell her about dates and getting stupid comments about that too, I got to the point that I'm not telling her anything about my social life. It's not worth it anymore. Let her think what she wants. Unless I parade a guy in front of her and tell her I'm doing it with him, she's not going to think anything else at this point. I plan on telling her at some point that her comments have crossed a line (trust me it gets worse), but not yet. I'm rehearsing exactly what to say because I made it a point in my life not to jump on things too quickly. Give it time, rehearse it and say what I want to say the right way, not through anger.

I hope that if you have a friend, co-worker, boss, family member, etc., who is saying things to you that cross a line, you'll take the time to tell them so.

Until next time, you may be young, but you're not alone...

lisa

A boy without a dad...

2008-03-20T04:24:00.000-07:00

A few times every year, my 13-year-old son goes through the "I hate not having a dad or a brother in this house" mood. Jeff died when he was about to turn five and his grandpa died in 2001. There is a lot of estrogen in this house with me, my teen daughter, my tween daughter and my mother all living under one roof. As much as I try to tell my son I sympathize and understand because I grew up without a sister (I have three older brothers) or a dad (he died when I was six), he'll say "but you had a mom and you're a girl."

Yup, you're right, but my mom was busy raising four kids, working, taking care of the home, etc. Even still I knew what my son meant...he wanted a man in the house, but since that wasn't possible right now I had to try and figure out a way to help my son.

Over the years, I've tried to find good male role models for him through coaches, friends and teachers. I started thinking about all of the guys that ask how he's doing or made some kind of impact in his life and I realized that he had many male figures in his life who cared about him. Then in a conversation I had with a male friend of mine (who is also one of his bowling coaches) about this subject, this man said, "Hey, I had a dad and he wasn't there for me and I had to raise my younger brother."

I realized that my son needed to understand that not having a male figurehead in the house didn't mean he didn't have people who cared about him and would be there for him if he needed it. We started talking about his uncles, his two bowling coaches who have talked with me about problems and helped him when his confidence was low. I told him about his friend's dad who treats him like his own son or my best friend's husband who told him he's family. I reminded him of his basketball coach who went above and beyond to support my son, encourage him and give him that pat on the back he needed to hear from another male.

I told him about what my male friend said about not having a good dad and my mother told him about her dad, who was a struggling alcoholic when she was young and how that affected her childhood. Then, of course, I told him about other kids who don't even have a dad or have a dad that beats them or hurts them in ways he can't even begin to imagine.

Then we talked about Jeff. About how he's always with him no matter what and that he'll have male friends and family in his life that he can turn to at all times. I told him that even though it was a short time in his life, his dad was a great guy and he has to hold on to that love that he was given in the beginning of his life and know that he can carry that around all the time as a means of support.

No, it doesn't erase the fact that Jeff's gone and not physically here to put his arm around Travis when he's had a great day and I know I'll have to repeat this whole conversation to him a few times in these precarious teenage years, but I'm hoping that it helps.

So if your own child is struggling, look for outside sources that can help you to provide some emotional support for your own child, and remember to remind your child that life may not be perfect at home, but you're still family and it's important that family stick together and support each other no matter what.

Until next time, you may be young, but you're not alone.
Lisa

Grief Digest

2008-03-18T06:27:00.001-07:00

Grief Digest magazine offers articles on coping and dealing with grief and loss for individuals and professionals. They provide a sample issue on their website. Check it out. It may have some articles that can help you out on this journey.

Until April 1st, I will be writing but sporadically. After finally getting the flu out of my house, I'm behind in, well...just about everything including this blog!!!!!!! Working hard on catching up.

Until next time, please remember you may be young, but you're not alone.
Lisa

Wash your hands.....

2008-03-12T03:45:00.000-07:00

As much I'm practially neurotic about washing hands especially during the winter, our family managed to catch the stomach bug. My mom got it so bad that I almost hospitalized her. My son and I had stomach aches and my oldest daughter had it a few days and then was better. We went FIVE days and seemed to be healing when WHAM my youngest got it -- bad!

Please wash your hands and take care of yourself this season. I'll resume posting probably next week once my daughter is better and I've caught up.

Thanks for your patience.

Lisa

Do you journal?

2008-03-04T04:06:00.000-08:00

I know many widows (not too many widowers) who journaled to help with their grief. Me? Not so much. I wrote the newsletter and the website, but didn't really "journal" in the traditional way. We are trying to create a scrapbook which is fun to do, although very time consuming and expensive!!!!! LOL.

Do you journal? What other creative outlets do you have for your grief?

Until next time,
Lisa

A bad night, wedding rings and men who think I need them.

2008-03-03T03:41:00.000-08:00

It's been almost two weeks since my last post. My workload is -- thankfully -- very full and I've been busy trying to finish a book project for a publisher of mine. Add in snow days, a tax return, and a headcold and you know how it is...

Last night I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned and saw every hour pass. It's these nights that my grief makes a return visit. I still sleep on my side of the bed and, occasionally, I move to the middle depending on how my back feels. But last night, while watching television and trying to fall asleep -- a bad habit I've created for myself -- I burst into tears. I looked over at his side of the bed. I could picture him there and I missed him. I felt bad for what happened to him. I questioned my decisions about his healthcare. I ached for him. I have those moments every now and then. Granted, I get through the day easier, but when I go through moments that are more than just a bit of misty and a single teardrop, it pours out of me. Last night it was buckets.

Question: When do I take the rings off??? and what do I do with them???

Honestly, I wasn't wearing my wedding ring when Jeff died. I had given birth to Samantha two years earlier and I couldn't get the ring back on yet. So when Jeff died, I put our rings around my neck. Sadly, while on a get-away to Atlantic City that I went on with some friends who were trying to give me a break, the chain broke and I lost both of them. What a trip.

My advice -- you'll know when to take off the ring. It might be right away (and you put it on a chain, but be careful), six months or even a year later. In my opinion, I would consider taking them off by the first anniversary or so, but I know some widows who went two years before taking them off. Once you're ready for dating, it should obviously come off, but it really is a personal decision. Do not have anyone push you into doing something you're not ready for.

I still have my engagement ring and am just not considering changing it into a different diamond ring for me to wear. I love it as an engagement ring, but the truth is I can't wear it that way and I'll feel like I have another symbol of Jeff's love that I can wear forever.

What have you done with your rings?

Guys who think I need them...
So, I signed up to try a few dating services and have met a few nice men -- one of whom I am considering meeting. (I've run into a dry spell meeting people the traditional way.) But with nice men are a bunch of rotten apples and this one guy made me laugh. He actually thought that me telling him off was a "hard-to-get" routine! I started laughing when he said, "Oh this act is getting old. You know you need me and it's getting close until we meet." While this might anger some people, I found it highly amusing and while I practiced my flirting on some of the nice men, I practiced my snarky comebacks on this one.

Until next time,
Lisa

Meet Seth

2008-02-20T14:08:00.000-08:00

Dear Lisa,

(reprinted with permission)

After reading your blog and reading the article you were featured in on single moms and dating I had to write you. I don’t know that this will be read but when I saw your website and you asked to tell you my story well I thought “why not, I’ve never done that before, maybe it will help.”

I was put on orders to deploy for Operation Enduring Freedom. This was before they renamed it to Operation Iraqi Freedom. I deployed on the very same day I was told I would be leaving. When I told my husband we were strained; his job was hectic, my job asked me to leave practically on a dime. I’d been on deployments before, this would be no different than any other, it would just be a little longer. I was gone for 8 months when my world came to a screeching halt. October the 6th 2003 I walked by the phones that we used to call our families; my buddy asked me if I wanted to call home before him. I told him no. I was scared to call home. I had this churning in my stomach and an unwillingness to walk into that very room that housed that phone. I knew as I walked away that night that I would see my husband and my children in a week; I was due to go home for two weeks that Sunday. No need to worry. The next morning as I had breakfast with one of my buddies I realized I was late to depart to a neighboring post to attain my plane tickets to go home. My Sergeant screamed at me to get moving and I jumped into my truck. As I did my Commander appeared as if out of nowhere and told me to step out of the vehicle and walk to him on the mound behind the barricades. There, as I stood with hands clasped behind my back he told me my husband had died. I told him surely he must be mistaken. We have different last names. Wrong soldier! He’s a liar!! He told me his last name; his first name. He was dead. He had accidentally shot himself in the head.

I felt my legs collapse under me and pounded on that soft sand furiously crying like a spoiled child as the guards looked on. The last thing I told him was “it’s only 2 weeks don’t get all excited, it’s only 2 weeks” (referring to my vacation) I don’t know if I was telling myself that or telling him. It was deemed not suicide as the accident and me were investigated thoroughly. It’s been 4 years now and I still miss him. His son is 6 years old and his daughter is 10. I am glad in the fact that I do get to see him everyday. My son has everything of him aside from the color of his hair. I have met a nice man and have been dating for about 2 years now. I don’t know what will happen. I don’t know that I will ever be able to feel what I felt for him for someone else. The man I’m dating right now wants to marry…eventually and have children. Right now I don’t know that I can do that but I tell him I will keep it in mind. I still think about Seth, especially when I’m stressed, or when I see that the man I’m dating is nothing like Seth was. I wonder if I do him justice. I can’t help it though. Thank you so much for letting me send you my story.

Sincerely,
Lety

I receive five to 10 letters PER WEEK like this and Lety was nice enough to let me share her story. She'll never forget Seth and neither will we. We can all relate to what Lety has experienced and how she has moved on but Seth always remains in her heart and mind. If you'd like to share your story on www.remembermyloveone.blogspot.com, please go there, read the directions and send me your story. I'd love to hear it. Sometimes it helps us when we share our stories and it might help someone else.

Thanks Lety. Seth was a special man.

Lisa

Welcome to Remember My Loved One

2008-02-19T13:04:00.001-08:00

Here is my surprise! A place where we can tell our stories and show our loved ones to the world.

Visit

http://remembermylovedone.blogspot.com/

another facet of the www.youngwidowsandwidowersblog.blogspot.com and www.youngwidowsandwidowers.com.

Interested in participating? Read the directions at the top of the blog and send me your photo/story. Please be patient. I'll put up a few per week when I can. This week is terribly hard on me with deadlines, so I'll start again next week.

I hope you enjoy a special place to share your stories. Thanks! Let me know what you think.

Lisa Iannucci

A special surprise

2008-02-18T08:21:00.000-08:00

Just a short note to say I hope everyone is doing well today. I'll be writing again tomorrow or Wednesday. The kids had a long weekend home from school, I'm nursing a goose egg on top of my head (long story, but I'm fine!) and my writing deadlines are crazy, but I didn't want anyone to think I was forgetting about them.

I hope you are all doing as well as can be expected. I have a special surprise I'm unveiling later this week. Stay tuned!

Until next time, remember you may be young, but you're not alone.
Lisa

Happy Valentine's Day -- Take a Moment

2008-02-14T04:35:00.000-08:00

Take a moment today and smile because you know your husband or wife loved you, even though they may not be here today to enjoy it with you.
Take a moment today and talk to them in your heart and let them know how much they are missed and how much you love them.
Take a moment to tell your children, friends, family how much you love them.
Take a moment to tell yourself how great you are and how you are doing a wonderful job getting through this rollercoaster journey.
Take a moment to DO something for yourself -- buy a special piece of chocolate or flowers, a CD, a haircut, a pedicure, a manicure, a new book, a new outfit, new shoes, a jacket, see a movie, see a friend, make a great cup of coffee, spend time on the Internet just playing games, take a nap...

Take a moment.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Until next time, remember you may be young, but you're not alone.

Lisa

Well, a family that blogs together...

2008-02-11T20:34:00.001-08:00

I have several blogs, my daughter has one (http://www.wordforteens.blogspot.com/) and my son, Travis, just started his own http://www.thegamechallenger.blogspot.com/. It's late at night and I'll explain later why this means a lot to me (my youngest might be next LOL) but if you could check out my kids' blogs I'd appreciate it. Nicole writes about books and Travis writes about video games. Travis is 13 and he's just getting started in this field. He's excited about it! Nicole is doing incredibly well, with a local radio interview, newspaper promotion and access to book promotions and books before they hit the market now. Unreal! I promise to explain soon...

Thanks so much for my 30 second family commercial.
lisa

Robin has responded...still needs our help

2008-02-10T14:25:00.000-08:00

If you haven't read this post, please do so before reading this thread.

I just wanted to let you all know that Robin has responded to your comments with her email address. As you can see, she's still not doing well. If you feel like you have some time to let her know that family isn't always those who are related to us biologically, I'd appreciate it.

We've all been in Robin's shoes and perhaps we had someone who guided us out of that black hole and now we have the opportunity to return the favor. For me, it was my mother, who has been through being a young widow before (my dad died when I was 6 and she raised four of us; I was the youngest). She knew what I was going through and she told me that my kids needed to know that life went on. That was enough for me. It was my catalyst that I needed to make the kids realize their life wasn't over. Of course that meant putting my life on hold so I could take care of them and do what needed to be done. At times, it stunk...at times, I realized that I did the right thing. I got out of bed and took care of them.

For those without children, I know that it might be a little harder, but perhaps you'll find the reason to get out of bed is you. Would your husband or wife be happy seeing you this way? My mom told me that too and I realized Jeff would be devastated if I collapsed. He knew I was a strong person and knew that I could get through anything. I knew that I could get through this. It didn't make it easier, but I kept those thoughts inside -- what would he want me to do? He would want me to be happy.

Right now, Robin isn't at that place of being happy. I just want her to know she's not alone. She doesn't need to suffer thinking that she doesn't have a 'family.' Yes, it's one person. But help one person and it just continues...

Robin, you might be young, but you're not alone. We're here.
Until next time,
Lisa

Weekends are rough...

2008-02-08T05:02:00.001-08:00

One thing I know many of us have in common is how rough the weekends are. Married couples are off doing "couple" things and families are doing "the family thing" while singles are hitting the singles circuit -- something you might not be ready for. Where does that leave us? With phones that don't ring and plans that aren't made, waiting for Monday to come so you can interact.

I totally understand. Even years later, I'm still not completely fond of weekends and I don't know many widows who are. Granted, I've had to work hard to change how I handle them -- making my own plans, inviting friends/family to do things with me instead of waiting for them to call and planning things with my kids -- but when I don't make plans on my own it's pretty hard to handle a quiet phone and then hear on Monday about how this one and that one got together and had dinner. It can be frustrating and lonely.

So while you face another weekend, please -- if you're ready -- take time out to do something for you. Go to a movie (you knew I would say that right? LOL), an art museum, get a pedicure/manicure or massage, see a basketball game or get on the phone and ask someone to do something. Sometimes people don't ask us to do things because they don't know if a) we are ready or b) we might feel like a fifth wheel at an event where the couples went out. It's awkward for them too.

I try to do more lately and that has actually surprised my friends -- they thought I was just sitting home, taking care of the kids. But now when we talk and I say (thanks to my Meetup group or making my own plans), "Did you see that movie? I went out "with a bunch of friends" and had a blast." or "The kids and I took a drive to such-and-such place." they are surprised. Of course, this isn't easy. It takes a lot of work and not all plans work out, but start with YOU. Plan something for YOU to do this weekend -- start with dinner out, a movie and perhaps a little shopping or a massage. Don't look at it as lonely stuff -- look at is as getting out and doing something. Say hi to ONE person. It's a start.

Come back on Monday (or before) and share with me how your weekend was and what you did, even if it was just stay in and look at photos, cry, whatever. You'll get there one step at a time. I've been there. I know.

Over Her Dead Body

2008-02-05T12:18:00.000-08:00

This past weekend, we saw Over Her Dead Body, starring Eva Longoria Parker. This is the premise of the movie, according to Movies.com: Ashley (Lake Bell) is an actual psychic who falls in love with a total skeptic, Henry (Paul Rudd). However, Henry comes with some baggage, chiefly his dead fiancée, Kate (Eva Longoria), who will stop at nothing to keep Henry single.

I went into the movie expecting nothing because I didn't think it would be amusing. I was wrong. Funny, funny movie, but like many movies that focus on what people from the beyond can see or hear, like Ghost with Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore, I also left this one thinking about my own believes about what Jeff can see and hear.

I'm the type of person who believes that Jeff is with me all the time. I believe he can see and hear us when he chooses to. I believe in signs. One day when I was very down early after Jeff had died, I told him at night that I hoped he knew I loved him. I got up from the bed to get a drink and find a perfect shadow of a heart on the window. The catch? It was windy that night (which was why I couldn't sleep) and there was nothing that could've made that shadow. I didn't get up 'looking' for a sign, but it stopped me in my tracks. I knew it was from him.

When Sami was almost three-years-old, we were coming home from a birthday party about three months after Jeff died. As I'm putting her in her car seat, she starts laughing and pointing out the window. I turn and look thinking someone is behind me and she says, "Daddy." Nothing was behind me and it was pitch black out because it was nighttime. Sami repeated it about three times. She saw something or someone and I knew it was Jeff. Why wouldn't it be? Before Jeff died his grandmother died. One day, Sami was giggling as she was playing on the floor and she went to hand someone something, but we weren't there. Jeff and I looked at each other from across the room and we both 'felt' like it was his grandmother, who never met Sami before she died.

I also love John Edward. I've seen him live and while some might think what he does is a trick, not me. I believe in angels. I believe that one day I'll see Jeff again.

Now for the movie, it took it to the extremes for sure, but don't you wonder what they can see? hear? change? In the movie, Eva Longoria's character had 'something to accomplish' before she moved onto heaven (but she talked too much and wasn't told what it was! LOL) and she took a guess that it was to protect her fiance from the psychic.

When Jeff first died, I started talking out loud because I felt like he was there and could hear me. Now, I talk to him in my head and in my heart, asking for guidance or just venting, because I know he's there.

What do you believe?

Thank you and by George I think I got it!

2008-01-31T10:11:00.000-08:00

First, thanks so much for so many of you posting to Robin, who needed to know she isn't alone. It was heartwarming to see how much people care.

So I'm reading this book, Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, a story about a divorced woman who goes on a trip to find herself or, as she calls it, One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia.

I absolutely loved the section on Italy (being Italian myself and loving Italian food) and I was a little concerned that I really wasn't going to get into the trip on India (it moves a little slower), but last night Elizabeth hit on the big one for me. I recognized myself in various parts of her book...someone who, at times, wanted to run away from her current existence, someone who was looking for answers, someone who didn't recognize herself sometimes. I was, and at times still am, that woman. I would say that going through this journey really forces me to think, at times when I don't even want to. I have had to think about why, when I finally got everything I really wanted in my life -- a husband who cares about me, kids, and finally my freelance career (I had been freelancing, but I was finally at the point where I could go at it fulltime instead of part time), things had to change.

I know many of you wonder this too. In the beginning, I swear I was never one of those people who said, "why me?" I never (really never) thought this happened to me, it happened to my husband. He was the one who got things taken away from him, especially the children. He was the one who didn't have his life anymore. He was the one who couldn't touch or see (from what I know about life right now) the way we could before. Yes, I lost my spouse and my husband, but I'm still here with my kids, the number one treasures in his life and I felt like that wasn't fair and it wasn't fair what happened to him. I even remember when he died, turning to my mother and saying, "I want to talk to him. I want to tell him what just happened to him." That made no sense whatsoever, but I said it because this was about him, not me. I knew he would lead me to carry on, but who was he leading? I felt lost...

I have never been the same. I still have my same sense of humor, still have my same caring, loving (I think anyway) sense about me, but I'm different. There's a hole in my heart the size of the universe that no one will ever fill. Yes, I date and as a matter of fact, I have had very strong feelings for someone else (no, it didn't work out, sorry!), but that hole will always be there. I just learn how to live with it.

So back to Eat, Pray, Love. I'm reading this part about how, when she's in India, she realizes that she doesn't like change and when she was about to turn 10 years old it really bothered her that she was turning double digits (haha, it bothered me too!) and that it means from that point on, everything will eventually die. Her high school sister will die. Her parents will die. Everything will end. She'll get old and die. It just hit her. And she said that she wished at that time that she could have a stop button, like the one on the trains, that she could hit and everything just froze and that she could have time to understand it all.

And I got it. That's what's been bothering me. I've had no STOP button in my life. As soon as Jeff died, life went on. I had diapers to change and babies to feed and work to do and things to accomplish and crying to do and plans to make and people to talk to and food to eat and not eat and blah blah blah blah blah...STOP!

What the hell just happened? I just want to stop and say that. I felt gyped (jipped?). I felt like the times I was supposed to have with my kids were supposed to be fun, and while many were, I went into this robotic phase where I just DID to survive.

Now they are growing up. TWO of them are as tall, or taller, than I am. One is in high school, one in junior high heading to high school and my baby refuses to let me push her down and keep her a baby (LOL, that's a joke).

For those of you who are going through this you'll understand what I mean...you want to scream for the world to stop and for you to be able to understand or deal with everything before it continues. For those of you farther along, you know that can't happen.

So life has become learning how to cope with today -- no stop buttons, no do overs...no repeats. I have learned many things from Elizabeth, but this one was a biggie. I KNEW it, but I had to have it hit me. THAT'S what I felt all those years. Like I wanted my own stop button. But like Elizabeth, I'm figuring out that I need to enjoy the here and now -- even the little things -- because once I put them to bed at night, that night won't come again and I want to make every day the best I can.

It might sound like I had an epiphany and that's not the case, but when you realize that what you've been going through is normal, that everyone wants the world to stop every once in a while but it can't, it might be alittle easier to deal with what comes next. I've already tried to make lists of what i want my life to be -- what's important and not important, what do I really want to accomplish and what is just not worth fighting about. Life is short. We know that better than most. And Elizabeth has slowly started to show me that life is good and that I can be happy. I've known it and the last few years I'm trying to figure out how and thanks to her (and my great friend Meg!) I'm beginning to realize how I can make it happen. Jeff would be proud!

I can't wait for the section on Indonesia! Time to go back and start highlighting and underlining the parts that meant so much to me!

Has anyone else read the book?

Until next time,
Lisa